Saturday, December 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
okay, I've been having weird dreams - with a capital CRAZY! All last week i was worn out because i was dreaming weird stuff and it was waking me up in the middle of the night. I can't really remember those, except one was about Richard, one was about Terry (i woke myself up laughing), and another i was talking in my sleep about tamales (have i mentioned i love Mexican food?!?).
Well tonight i was taking a nap before work and was awakened by my co-worker calling because i had set the alarm for am, not pm (oops!). This is the dream i was having: I had to go out to the country where we used to live (in dreamland, not real life). Problem was, the car (or van?) wouldn't go forward, only backwards, and i felt pressured by traffic. So i did what any one would do - i drove in reverse! i was quickly in the country and up to 55 or 60 mph, and then there was construction, so the the road made a slight detour off pavement onto clay. I kept going at the same rate of speed - still in reverse. At some point it became dark. I can't explain the headlights, but i could see. I guess my son was with me, cuz when we got there he went in with me to check his stuff. He came back upset cuz one of his Thomas characters was missing. i explained i had taken it home, so it was OK (why i took one of 50-ish, i don't know. and why he cared at 14yo, who knows?). Then my son got a call from an ICU nurse (Robbie) friend of mine and she was sorry he couldn't go to the zoo with the group, but she was determined to describe the big cat exhibit in detail. (???) Then i was outside calling my mom and trying to tell her where we were so she could come pick us up (like she wouldn't know where we used to live). i was looking at mail box numbers and i couldn't see ours or remember it but the neighbors were 636 (?) and then i saw ours was something like 4643 (a big jump in numbers!). Then she was there and we got in her van which was a big work type of van and i was sitting on the floor in the back thinking about how the thin rubber mat didn't cushion as well as the mat in my vehicle. I was looking out the left side wondering why they designed it with the transmission in the middle on the side, requiring a big bulge out of the body of the van. Then my phone rang. Pretty much, the most significant part to me was the driving backwards at a high rate of speed. Do i feel like I'm regressing in life? Well, with my depression lately, i certainly feel like a bit of a failure. It's prob also significant that i was going back to a place we used to live. In real life, i do miss my old town that we moved from last year.
Thoughts, anyone? Hellooooooo?!?
Friday, August 14, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Here's the deal, pickle (get it . . .it sounds like dill pickle . . .) Sorry. Really.
Anyway, let me just say that i have issues with depression. I have fought it for years. I'll be okay and then have a bad bout. At this point in my life, though, i strongly believe that a person's mind has a lot of power. I can usually tell when I'm heading that direction and i will stop doing the activity that is triggering it, or i will distract myself with something. If I'm on a crying jag, i might give myself 15 minutes for a pity party (btw, I used to actually set a timer and would not allow to cry after it went off). In a few minutes, hours or (rarely) days, I'll be okay. The point is that if i can head it off, i can prevent myself from going into a bout of deep depression. If i don't pull myself out, i can become suicidal for no apparent reason. I've never tried anything, i always realize it is not a good solution to anything and it is terribly unfair to the people left behind. It does scare me, though, and i really try to prevent going in that direction.
I used to become so debilitated - I would lay in the bed for days, cry, stress eat, escape with reading, shopping or driving back roads, etc. I was in counseling for a while, and decided to see the staff psychiatrist to get an antidepressant for my depression which was believed to be clinical (read into that 'situational' - in other words, a lot of stuff was happening in my life and i had good reason to be depressed.) When i went to the psychiatrist i wasn't in a severe depression at the time, but just my average low. We just all thought it would be good to change the chemistry and get me up out of depression to help me function better and stay up on my own (often your body gets used to the chemical changes that take place in depression and make that your new normal, thereby staying depressed). So i tried an antidepressant - the same my mother had used and done well with. Well, i did NOT do well, to say the least. It threw me into a deep bout of severe depression in which i felt like life was totally hopeless and i was, frankly, suicidal. The saving grace was that i realized the only thing that had changed was the medication. I stopped immediately and went back to normal depression. I have since been too scared to try another medication.
Having said all that to say this. . . I've been heading off a bout of depression lately. However, i was only half trying. I continued in the activity that was depressing me because of a morbid curiosity. And it was a new method for an old depression. I'm new on facebook and i had depleted all my old friends and i started looking up old boyfriends. As a i found how many had stayed with the loser girl and and now look all-American with the wife and kids, i became more depressed. And here i am, a single mom, turning 37, no prospects of any good relationship, etc. I thought i was doing OK on looking but not getting depressed. But the final blow was Friday at work.
This was going to be my full time job, but at the last minute i decided to stay with my old job 130 miles away (i only drive there once a week) This new one is my fill in job, and I'm the new girl who kept the job in the 'big city' (read: they think i must feel too good to work in the new little town). My boss has repeatedly told me that the complaints i have gotten have been because I'm new and the people are nasty tempered and they'll be better when they get someone else new to pick on. He's has told me to just wait it out.
Well, Friday he called me into the office and told me that one of the problem people (nurse) had gotten her boss (main ER doctor) stirred up about me and he went to administration. Long story short, they put me on 6 months probation to appease the doctor. If i make one mistake or have one complaint, it's automatic termination. (and no, it doesn't matter if there are analyzer problems, power outage, alien landing, etc. There is actually a rule in place to help prevent these problems because everyone makes the mistake that i made) Here's the part that makes me feel hopeless. These complaints only happen when i work alone (no witnesses from my own department to take up for me). The shift i usually work leaves me alone for the last hour and a half of my shift. BUT, the next four shifts I'm scheduled to work are nights for 12 hrs each. Basically, I'm doomed. I asked my boss to reschedule and not let me work alone until this all blows over, but he said if i can't work when he needs me then I'm of no use. At the same time, he says he really doesn't want to lose me because I'm a good worker. He also said if he has to choose me or him, he's keeping his job. duh. His best suggestion is to work and don't make a mistake. For six months. Needless to say, i feel quite helpless concerning this job.
And I'd like to point out that i have worked my other job for 4 years without being reprimanded once. In fact, I've gotten three awards for outstanding performance.
Well, the friday work incident was the straw that broke the depressed camel's back. The facebook, my mother being esp obnoxious for several weeks, and now the job - i took a dive head first into depression. Mainly about how much of a loser i am. I cried Friday when i left work and could not stop - literally. Every time my mind wandered, i teared up. My eyes were swollen half shut by Friday night. It was not pretty. I hate to tell what pulled me out, but here goes. My mom started picking on my son and pulling the crap she did to me (guilt trips, crying, hatefulness, etc) it made me so mad i at her i couldn't feel sorry for myself, i felt protective of my son. I also had a co-worker who really stepped up as a friend.
Now i was out of the serious depression but still felt like i needed to sort stuff out. I was gonna blog about everything, but i was embarrassed about my pity party, and i really hated to write about depression after being so up about spiritual stuff. (When will we learn that Christians are people, too? We have to battle human trials like everyone else, we just have a Hope - which leads me to the next part.)
We were supposed to go to Wisconsin this weekend for my cousin's wedding. We've been planning for months, but i suddenly had to back out because of my mother's antics. I just could not see my son and i traveling by car for 900+ miles with her. so we cancelled (due to money (wink, wink). Then i started trying to get back some of my shifts at my full time job. I got back the 3 night shifts, but did not pursue the day shifts. i thought it would be a mini vacation (and it has been wonderful!).
I decided while i was off work for a rare Sunday, i should go to church (we've got the right flavor across the street from the hospital). I got off from the night shift and went to bed. I had THE hardest time getting up. I started to stay in bed, but decided i really needed to go, esp with my recent depression. I am so glad i did.
Here's what i got from church. . .
I'm going through it, not to it. ( i know, cheesy, but it's easy to remember)
This situation, even my life, is not a snap shot of what's happening right now, but one frame in a long video.
And there was a third thing, but i keep saving this forever long post and coming back . . .
Anyway, between an unexpected friend being there for me, and esp church, i feel much better.
And i would like to add, I am Soooo thankful i didn't quit my other job for this one! Whew!
That's all. Thank you, see ya later.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
So this past Sunday was the day my hair was desperate (with a capital "ugh") to be washed. I was sooooo tired, but i was hungry, too. Someone had mentioned fish and I've been meaning to go to Captain D's. I've been meaning to go on account of the fact that i heard that they are one of the big chains likely to go under and i didn't want to spend the rest of my life wishing i could eat there one last time. (yes, I'm fat) And if my $4 for a meal (wow, great deal) could help them stay open, even better. But i think they need more than that.
Anyway, I decided that i would go there first before i went back to my room to shower in case it was greasy in there. You know, sometimes fast food chains are really greasy and your hair smells like the place until you wash it again, and that really annoys me. So, i go in (i was the only person there at the time) and order. The cook gives me a little smile and nod. I was NOT in the mood to have some random guy flirt with me, so i ignored him. Let's review my 'condition' at the time. My hair was three days oily, i had on clown scrubs that are two sizes to big, i have the huge tick bit on my neck (OMG, did i mention that the test came back as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever!), I've worked my second 16 hr shift in two days AND i have cramps - so DO YOU MIND? Then I get my food and he's hanging around my table and talking to me, and hanging close by talking to the other employee, etc. I'm starting to feel a little guilty because i have not been friendly (it's a southern thing) and so I'm trying to be polite, but not leading. By polite, i mean answering his questions instead of just yes/no grunts. Of course, being single i start grading everything in terms of a potential mate. I have gleaned from his conversation that his mother is 75yo (so he must be around 35 to 40) +, he has started going to church +, he had a ticket -, he didn't pay it -, his license was suspended when he got said ticket--, and his ex girlfriend has a LOT of tattoos - . So the total -'s clearly outway the +'s. Now I'm finished eating, so he makes sure he's the one there when i get my refill to go and hands me his phone number. Aaagh!
So many things are going through my mind, in no particular order of importance. If he is attracted to someone that looks like this and is just under hostile to him, AND he manages to pass off his phone number, then he will go after anything! Wonder what he got his license suspended for, and what was the ticket for? Why is the paper with his number dirty? Why did he write his first name, middle initial, and last name on the paper? Why is his number written with such large numbers and so oddly spaced?
But here's the part I'm ashamed of - really. I never realized i was such a snob. I actually wonder why he is 35-40 yo and working as a cook at Captain D's. I will be the first to tell you that all work is honorable, and you gotta do what you gotta do. But i can't help but wonder.
I pray for God to send me someone, and this is the only bite I've gotten in however long? Unless you count the married guy. . . But the bad part is, maybe he's nice (Captain D guy, not married guy), but i just don't want to call him.
And I'm afraid it's because I'm a shallow snob.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Anyway, I have some spiritual things to share. Three to be exact. But it could turn into more. There are no guarantees. . . And let me just say, I'm an ordinary person. I'm NOT Ms Spirituality. In fact, if any of my co-workers read this post, they would prob be shocked. But I will say this: God has been dealing with me a lot, esp in the last six months. And i think a lot of it is due to my son. He has always been a very spiritually minded person, even as a little kid before we went to church or took him. He reads his Bible twice a day (am and pm) and prays and really means it. I have a feeling he's been praying for his momu (sounds like mama). It's not that i haven't believed, it's that I've been complacent. And if you're not going forward, you're go backward. Anyway. . . .
First i would like to say that God is an awesome God. Can you believe that with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that we no longer have to go through a priest to talk and commune with God?!? When Christ died and the curtain in the temple was ripped from top to bottom, God Himself made a way for us to come directly into His presence. That is amazing that God wants a relationship with an ordinary sinful person like me and He has invited me into His presence! WOW!
This really hit home when we went to Eureka Springs, AR, to the Passion Play. It wasn't actually the Passion Play that made the impression but the 'Tour Through the Holy Land', which we were late for - more on that in a minute. We had a very limited amount of time for the tour and we were told that the temple was a 'must see'. So we got there and they had an actual temple built to the best possible scale and replication and a person in period clothing acting as a rabbi, i think. Anyway, he took us to the alter and explained about the sacrifices that were brought and how they had to meet such rigorous standards and all the cleansing processes. And to see it in person and imagine the fire coming down and consuming that sacrifice - really amazing.
But the most amazing part was seeing the holy of holies. They had a room prepared with a Plexiglas wall so we could see in. And the man talked about the ritual washings and prayers that the priest would have to go through before he could go into the presence of God. And if he was not thorough or honest or truly repentant he would die - have to be drug out by a rope around his ankle (i guarantee you the next guy was careful!). And when Christ died for our sins he became that pure and blameless sacrifice that could cleanse us, and the curtain was torn so that we could go freely into the presence of God.
And yes, i cried right there in the middle of that crowd of people because I'm so unworthy, but he knew that and did it anyway. . .
OK, that wasn't one of things i wanted to share, but there's your bonus. And if you get a chance, you should really listen to the words of the song "Redeemer" by Nicole C. Mullin. I was listening to that on the drive home last night and crying.
I am a bit weepy lately, but it is still amazing. . .
And related to all that is one of the things i wanted to share. A woman i work with is really sweet and good hearted, but not a christian. However, she has always sent her youngest child to a religious daycare (catholic or episcopal). She has been disillusioned with people who profess Christianity and live like the devil - can't blame her. But a while back, maybe 6 months, she was going through a lot with her teenage daughter and she said, 'Pray. Please pray for me." I thought, that is my chance - she has a hunger or desire somewhere in there or she wouldn't have asked. Almost daily I have prayed for her to be drawn to God and for Him to show me how i can be used. Well, a few weeks ago we were talking about our kids and their 'inborn' spirituality (unfortunately, not the teenage daughter) She told me that her son had brought a book home from preschool that was an intro to the Bible, but she said about the time she was really hooked into it, the passage would be over. Well, it so happens (insert that God had already prepared the situation) that i had purchased a Bible on sale, but had decided that i didn't really need it and i should return it. I had even tried once, but it was too soon after the check had been written, so i had taken it back home and kept forgetting to bring it to town. When she said she had been interested in learning more, i immediately thought of the Bible. The cool thing is, it is a Quest NIV for people that want answers to everyday questions about the Bible! As you read, there are questions in the margin about the passage you are reading and the scholars opinion and where to look for supporting verses. So I cautiously told her i had a Bible that i had gotten on sale dirt cheap but planned to return and would she be okay with me offering it to her. She said that was fine, she would like it. And she wanted moisturizer from me, too. (ha ha) Long story short, i had her name engraved on the Bible (so she couldn't give it away easily) and I gave it to her yesterday. She said how beautiful it was, and then she opened the box and talked about how it had her name on it and she had never had a Bible engraved with her name! and look at the gold pages! and the leather smells so good! and it's so beautiful. . . now she wants to go to church! WOW! I'm so excited for her and I'm so humbled that God used me to bring her closer to Him. I know he used a donkey, but that donkey hadn't sinned and lived a human life that is not always (rarely?) a good example of Christianity.
The next thing i wanted to share was that i have a friend from college that is in a constant state of depression. I think it is primarily a habit and to a certain extent how she was raised. The frustrating part is how she is constantly saying how nobody cares about her, then you have to reaffirm your feelings of care and friendship. It is very draining, to say the least. I was particularly at a limit with her the other day, and i called to vent to my friend Anna, that doesn't know this girl. Anna called me back the next day and said she had awakened thinking about the girl and wanted me to think about telling her this thought. Before i share, let me tell you that by the time i talked to Anna, the message was as much for me as the girl, if not more. I had a terrible day at work with a constant underlying harassment from a c0-worker. It really bothered me, in spite of my best efforts to let it roll off my back. And here is what Anna told me, which i believe was really from the Holy Spirit: She said, "You know, Job had nobody. No friends or family. Even his wife had turned her back on him. But he had a right relationship with God. And it is our relationship with God that matters - NOT OTHERS!" How awesome is that? As long as i act right, who cares if that woman is hateful or degrading, as long as i know my relationship with God is in good standing? (and if my relationship with God is right, then i will be acting right).
And Anna thought she was giving me advice for the other girl. . . ;-)
The third and final thing i had planned to share was this. I recently had laproscopic gall bladder surgery. After they had given me the initial sedatives and asked me a gazillion questions, they left me alone and i lay there and thought about the fact that i could die, even though this is a fairly routine operation. I started to pray (prob not an uncommon event in the O.R. holding area) and i esp prayed for my son in the event that i died during or as a result of the operation. I thanked God for him, and prayed that he would continue to bring him up in a love for the Lord. Then, of course, i prayed for forgiveness (I'm no dummy, ya know!). As i lay there and thought about if i was really ready to die, i realized that if i did die, i would be in heaven that very day! Now i have always been skeptical of people that say that they are ready to go now, and seem enthusiastic about it, even. But I honestly got a shiver from the excitement about the fact that i had prayed, my business was taken care of, my son would be fine, and i could see Jesus in heaven that day! It was such a feeling, that i am still in awe that i was excited and not worried about the prospect. Now, granted, I am very, VERY glad i made it and didn't die (though i felt like i might that first day), but it is just so odd to me that i was not only okay with it, but excited. Wow, i really am saved! :-D
Now, back to why we were late to the 'Holy Land'. We were in Eureka Springs, AR, for a church trip. I went with the youth group as a chaperon (ie, person who gets a 'vacation' without sleep) and we were in the church bus. All the smart people, uh, i mean, other adults, were in a separate vehicle. Anyway, the youth pastor and I decided we would take the kids to see some sights, including Thorncrown Chapel. Thorncrown chapel is a chapel built on the side of the mountain and is completely made of glass. The interior has a stone floor and the rock walls are about two feet high, otherwise glass, save the beams. And those trees you see are not a reflection, they are on the other side of the chapel - you're looking through the glass.
So, for those of you that don't know, Eureka Springs is in the Ozark mountains. The Ozarks are not a huge or grand mountain range, but they're still mountains. Esp when you're driving without a guard rail, not even a shoulder on the road, only a few inches where they built up the road with flimsy gravel because you're on the side of a freakin' mountain and there's a drop that is straight down, and it's on your side and your sitting in a church van which is higher than most vehicles which means that you have even further to fall if the very young, inexperienced youth pastor/driver wobbles three inches to the right while he's talking to the kids and messing with radio and "could you please slow down a little, you're making me nervous and my only son is on board, sorry, thank you" and 'dear God, please forgive me of all me sins and I forgive everyone else, too (cause you gotta do that to get yours to work, and this could be the last minutes of my life, and surgery is an easier way to die, but i hadn't even had the surgery yet, so i didn't know i was excited, so work with me) and my GOSH, it is a loooooong way down there. And then it happened. We had a tire 'issue' on one of the back tires. Which is to say, there was suddenly a loud noise, slapping rubber and great concern. But immediately there was a road that was fairly level to the side, no traffic and we turned. And let me tell you, there are never roads to he side - you're on a mountain after all. And we stopped and the youth pastor got out and then he saw some fluid and yells, "everybody, out of the van!" So we did like half of a chinese fire drill and ran for the very nice large rock embankment in case it was gasoline and the van blew up. It turns out that the back tires on our 'new' used church van were retreads and the entire tread had come off, except for maybe six inches. When it did, it cut a line under the van, which turned out to happily not be fuel or brakes, but a line for the heater fluid. Here's a pic and you might be able to tell by the marks that the tread (laid out on the ground behind the tire) spun around against the side of the van and was so long, it went above the bottom edge of the windows.
Anyway, you can not understand how amazing it is that we did not go off the side of the mountain, and that there was a such a safe place for us to wait and work on the van. I have never seen this road before and i could not believe how amazingly God provided for us. I am so thankful.
OK, here's one final pic. It is called the Christ of the Ozarks. It is five stories tall, and you can see it from all the different surrounding mountains. It mostly has sentimental value, because i remember my grandaddy being excited to see it from distances.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
This, my friends, is my growing list of things to do with my tax refund (the part that won't be used to pay off credit cards).
Rusty - gelded (son's 3 1/2 yo colt/stallion - oops!)
Macon - groomed (son's standard poodle)
Tithe (yes, it's number three - please don't judge)
~insert son's name~ (yes, i owe my child money)
Orange Cream Slush (no, i do not have to wait for a tax refund to buy one - apparently that was on my mind when i was rewriting the list)
Saddle (for my son. He said, 'great, for a horse that's not even rideable' - meaning Rusty)
Gate Panels (for the dog kennels)
porch? (for the front entrance that we can't use at all right now)
aquarium (as in pump and fish)
Wheaten Puppy (that we can raise ourselves)
Direct TV/Internet (my internet is soooooooo ssss-llll-oooooooo-wwwww!!!!)
There you go. I guess they all needed an explanation after all.
Is anyone there?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
But I took pictures on the drive home yesterday. I always take my camera and then I'm usually in a hurry or late or it's dark. But yesterday i was driving in the late afternoon and evening, no hurry and i took a different route home. Let me say, I used to drive this way every week and was so bored, but when you've been gone a while, you see 'new" things again.
First there were some wild flowers that i am sure I've never seen before. I suspect that they are invasive old home site plants.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Problem is, I don't necessarily want people to know who i am, esp when they learn all my gory details. (maybe by 'people', i mean my family. . . ?) I want it to be totally anonymous so i can write about any and everything. But funny thing is, i have this fear that no one will ever read it. And while i don't want my mother to read it, i still want her to. For like an approval thing. At 36. How sad. . .
So then i had to think of a name. Would it be the street i grew up on (Saxony) Would it be my first pets name (Sweet Pea), or - you guessed it - my 'p*rn star name' (Saxony Sweet Pea). See, already i don't want my mother reading this. ;-) (it was a joke, with a long story - later!) I figured everything witty was taken. Plus, I'm not very creative. so, my blog has been lingering in my mind for several months now. Then it happened.
I had a dream. . .
ok, not that big. . . but really.
I was dreaming this morning on my one morning to get to sleep in. I was in the middle of quite a symbolic dream when my boss called and told me HR approved the raise i requested (small, inside little dance). When i hung up, i started thinking about this dream and i thought, "if i had a blog i would post this and get it out of my system, 'cause mark my words. . . " "Hey, that would be a good blog name. Someone's prob got that. I could check." Well, by the time i made it to my computer i was already thinking about my life and, oh my word, so i checked and here i am with an even more emphatic variation.
So , here's my dream. . .
A bunch of people, including my mother, were at the hospital where i work. It was a break time so we got in my car (my old Cutlass Supreme - loved that car!) and went down to the creek that adjoins the property. It was myself, my mother and two people she knew. We were all on the front row and i was in the middle - next to the end on the right. In other words, i wasn't driving my own car. In the front it was these 2 people, then me and then my mother.
We were watching the creek and talking and one of them asked if they could smoke and my mother told them it was okay! She doesn't even smoke, and it wasn't her car, and she said ok - but very sheepishly, almost like my ds was there - but he wasn't. (i added that part, cause don't people bore you with the details of their dream? but it's my dream, my blog, so there you go.) BTW, the creek did this sudden rise because it had been raining quite a bit on the other side of the hospital. Like that was enough for a rush of water. . .
Anyway, then this creep of a guy that works EVS (for real, and he is creepy) came up and my mother was encouraging him and i was trying to get her to let him go, leave him alone so he would leave and she totally blew me off and kept talking to him. I tried to explain that he creeps me out, but she ignored it.
Then we had to go back to the hospital and were driving over (again not me - i think it was her) and she started talking about going to Wisconsin to see this man she,s been talking to, and i asked what car she was taking, because she never drives her own (she's working that system good) She said she was planning on taking mine and i said i don't think so. She said she would ask grandaddy (he bought it) and i reminded her that he gave me the full title and it was my car and she wasn't taking it under any circumstances. Then we looked up (we were driving all this time) and we come to a wide drive/entrance to a parking lot and there's someone standing in the middle directing traffic. It was grandmother, in her present condition (86, and a bit stooped and wobbly). She was wearing her little denim pants set with the red medallion shirt and doing all the hand signal for the traffic (now if that's not symbolic, i don't know what is!)
About that time my boss called and woke me up. Aren't you glad?
There was more about the interaction with the creepy guy, but i can't remember now. Again, aren't you glad?
Any comments, however long after the post, would be much appreciated. Dream analysis fascinates me. I know we've already got my mom backseat driving (from the passengers side, and later blatantly driving), and totally disregarding my values (the smoking, the creep). We've got my grandmother directing things, even though she's frail. (and how odd that she was in her pants set, she always wears a dress. ohh, maybe she had the more masculine pants because grandaddy's gone and now she's directing things. . . )
See, i really love it. Write me so i know someone is reading this.