The One That Got Away

Did you ever have "the one that got away?" It doesn't have to be a fish in your tall tale.  But everyone has one, don't they?  One weird example was the t-shirt that i really wanted to buy at the Carman concert when i was about 13.  My mother had given me the money, but she had also, over time, impressed upon me the fact that we had NO extra money.  I had the t-shirt in my hand, and i put it back.  I have never forgotten that moment, or the shirt.  That's why i tell Matthew that no matter how "broke" we are, that he should get something if he really wants it, cuz we'll still be broke even if he doesn't spend the money, so he may as well have something he enjoys.  But enough about my stellar parenting. . . ;)

My biggie that got away was Scott.  Scotty.  I was 19, he 22.  He was only the third person i had ever been out with on a date, and my second boyfriend.  I was in love, and not just a little.  With my mother's "help,' I stood up my grandparents for Christmas and we spent it with Scott's family.  He gave me a gold coin bracelet.  I was moved beyond words.  When we left that evening, i remember crying - bawling - because i was so overwhelmed with my love for him.  On Valentine's Day he proposed to me in his living room with his mom there.  Of course, i said yes. 

But things started getting weird. One evening in April we took a break from moving him to a new apartment.  He asked what i wanted to do, and thinking that he meant for the rest of the evening, i replied that i didn't care.  He suggested that he call me in a couple of weeks.  I was stunned.  I sarcastically asked if he wanted his ring back and he said yes.  I left in a daze.  I made it 2 blocks before i pulled over and sobbed.  As the days and weeks went by, i wanted to kill myself.  I became obsessed with cemeteries, and where I should be buried.  Why this didn't concern my mother, i have no idea.

The events of the night have permanently stained my perspective. I still rack my brain to figure out what i did wrong, what signal i missed, how i couldve been more clear about my feelings.  Anything.  I beat myself up, convinced that something is inherently wrong with me.  And it carries over to my dating, even today.  I've had 2 more people just leave for no apparent reason.  I feel immense stress about not pressuring someone, trying to be myself, all the while look for clues.

So why do i mention all this now? Because he is back in my life.  And believe it or not, i love him just as much 22 years later as I did on that Christmas night.  I still have to catch my breath when i think of him.  I'm not saying that I've never loved anyone else, but I am saying that I've never loved anyone like i love him.  And I'm so scared that history will repeat itself - again.

He says he loves me, that his feelings have never changed. I eventually (3rd visit) asked what happened way back then.  He seemed very sad.  He said his parents were very controlling (don't i understand!), and pressured him to end the relationship.  so what can possible go wrong?  I'll tell you - he's married.

He says he has already been planning for about 5 years how to leave her.  She has lied to him and ruined them financially.  I believe him.

I feel like such a hypocrite.  HE"S MARRIED.  IVE KISSED HIM.  I'm so conflicted. Not confused, conflicted.  This is what I've wanted for 22 years.  And yet, i don't really have him.  And I'm scared to death.  Scared he won't really leave her.  Scared that when he does, he'll like his freedom and not follow through on marrying me.  Scared I'll get so depressed that i cant function.  I don't think i can live through it a second time.  I know that sounds so melodramatic, but it's really how i feel.

Suddenly Sundays are bad.  He calls me everyday, except Sunday.  And Sunday i barely hear from him.  Is he just busy with church?  Is his family around more? Do they have family time, and is it good?  ugh.  i disgust myself.  And yet, I still want it.

He says he needs to wait a year.  I don't know if i can wait a year.  On the other hand, I've waited 22 years, whats one  more?

Will write more later. . .

              

3 for 1

As the title implies, this will be three posts at once.  I don't like the idea of doing that, but I have a lot to get off my chest.

The Ring

About two weeks ago i received a Facebook message from my buddy mr raines.  He told me that Rick had a web site set up and that I was on it, and I should check it out.  Of course, I did so immediately.  There were several links to various legal battles, including one titled, "The Ring."  That's actually kinda funny cuz that's how we refer to the case.  well, now that i mention it, and with I'm about to tell, maybe that's not so funny, after all.  

First, he had his version of the break-up.  He got major points and time lines wrong.  While i wasn't happy that he posted this online, I took some comfort in the fact that the whole thing was the ranting of an obviously troubled man.  However, the one thing that was really flat-out wrong was that he said i was having sex with Ron while Rick and I were engaged.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I will see about taking legal action to have that removed from the Internet.  So is this what I'm upset about?  NO.

With each court case, Rick posted photocopies of evidence he used, or tried to use.  On my case, it included receipts, canceled checks, love notes (???), etc.  Then the very last item posted was a letter from my mother.  Oh, yes, you read that correctly.  My mother!

My mother had written an email to an advice/counseling site about me.  apparently when Rick decided to sue me, she printed the letter out and gave it to him.  The photocopy he has is from a printout from her personal email, complete with the staple showing.  In other words, he didn't find this on the Internet, he had to be given a copy. I even went to the website, and you have to have an acct set up, and use the same email.

I know i shouldn't have been surprised, and i guess i wasn't, but i was deeply hurt again.  It was just a reminder of some of the terrible things she did during that time.  And i was mad at myself, because i never take myself seriously or trust my instincts.  I say that because at the time i suspected that she and rick were working together.  We went to walmart once, but shopped separately.  I came around the corner and she was talking with Rick.  I saw them a split second before they saw me.  He turned and left quickly, and she acted all indignant.  She told me that he wanted her help against me, but why would he think she would help him? She was very convincing.  Plus, you want to believe that your mother wouldn't try to help your ex.  It's not like there were children involved, or some other moral/ethical reason.  She just betrayed me cuz she could.

Along the same vein, I've been cleaning out the office.  I keep finding notes and paperwork related to that time in my life.  The whole thing is very troubling all over again.  If i had written this 2 weeks ago there would have been much more ranting and anger, but I've buried it again.  its the only way i can survive having to live next to her and interact on a daily basis.

I just feel so beat down by life, which leads me to my next topic.

The Pill

The little green pill.  My solution?  I certainly hope so.

Brace yourself for whining.  Life sucks. My life sucks.  I'm depressed, and with good reason.(here's the whining).

My mother and i lived together.  By now anyone should understand how distressing that is.
I got my own trailer, but it wasn't in great shape. And i had to put in my grandmothers backyard - next to my mother!
The trailer has something wrong with it all the time - electrical, plumbing, etc
My best friend, Terry, moved 12 hrs away.
I had to quit a job i really liked cuz it was now too far away and didn't pay quite as much as my PRN job.
I dated an a**hole.
In May, the a**hole got married, i quit the afore mentioned job, i had cosmetic surgery (for a birth defect) that didn't turn out right, I passed my certification but the new job didn't give me the raise they promised, and . . . Yeah, May sucked. 
The a/c kept going out in the house and i didn't have money to fix it.  Memo said she would, but never did.
And last, but not least, I'm reminded again of how much my mother truly dislikes me. And shouldn't your mother be the one that like you when nobody else does???

So yeah, I'm depressed. It's something I've struggled with it for years.  I've gotten pretty good at ignoring it and distracting myself so that i don't fall into a deep suicidal depression, but it's always there.  I'm lonely, I'm tired, I want to quit life.  I'm trapped.  I want to escape.  All i think about is escape.  Riding the horse in the woods.  Riding the horse at a dead gallop and never turning back.  I fantasize about what I'll do and where I'll go when Matthew leaves home.  And that's depressing cuz i really don't want him to leave. But I'm tired of being tied down to Monticello - and I'm only in Monticello for him.  And I'm so tired of being a single parent.  If it gets done, it's because i thought of it and either did it myself, or hounded him till he did it.  When will he be more responsible?  I feel like giving up there, too.  If he doesn't want to do something, at nearly 18, why bother making him do it? I'm just so tired.  All i want to do is leave.  I just want to leave.  I don't particularly like my job here.  For a small hospital, its good.  Its just a small hospital and not interesting and exciting.  I've got burn out, i think.  I would like a job that challenges my skills, at a place where they care about quality (but they're not stupid, either). 

So last week i had my annual evaluation.  I got written up.  Twice.  My turn around time is too long.  And i deserved to be written up.  There are times that i know there is a test in there and i procrastinate on doing it.  That's not me - i totally deserved to be written up and it was a good wake-up call.  However, i think the problem is bigger than me, or burn out or boredom.  I'm depressed, and have been for a long time.

So, last week i went to the doctor and asked for an antidepressant.  He put me on Zoloft.  The only difference i can tell so far is that my sleep is very disturbed.  Excellent.  :-/

I have my hopes that an antidepressant can help me.  At the end of August i hurt my hip.  The Dr put me on a Prednisone dose pack.  I was like a woman possessed!  I cleaned house 20 hrs a day, no kidding.  It was unreal.  Also, i quit obsessing about food.  It was wonderful. But at the same time, I'm scared that it was a manic phase and that I'm unknowingly bi-polar.  I don't know.  But i have been more depressed since that time, which Ive read is a side effect of steroids.  So, i don't know, but i hope the Zoloft helps. 

(2 days later)

I'm pretty disappointed in my little green pill so far.

Ive tried to stay upbeat, but I'm still depressed.  I know its only been 6 days, but still, i thought i would feel better.  I can certainly tell physical differences, so why cant mental outlook/differences follow suit just as quickly? 

Part of what's depressing is the physical side effects.  At the top of the list is insomnia.  Right now I'm averaging 2.5 hrs of sleep a day.  I started it when i had 3 more nights off work.  I've gotten less and less sleep, despite the fact that I'm staying up all night at work without even a cat nap. Like i said, i get off work, go home and lay in bed.  when i finally fall asleep, it's not very restful.  i wake up feeling  like I've tossed and turned for hrs, and it will only be 2.5 hrs, and I'm wide awake.  Its miserable.

Last night i noticed that my hands were shaky and jittery.  I felt like i need to yawn and stretch, but no stretch was big enough.

Tonight, my heart feels funny.  it could be from exhaustion, or it could be a direct side effect.

Before i started the Zoloft, i was thinking about suicide - not personally considering it, just thinking in general.  I never had a theory as to why somebody would do something so drastic.  Rick said it was because they lost hope.  i thought about it, and that seemed a reasonable explanation.  But last week i realized that there was a bigger reason, one more motivating.  It's an escaped.  the ultimate escape.  No problems with family, work, etc.  no more bills, no more responsibility.  No more lonely, no more fighting depression.  The best escape.  That makes sense.  At least it does to me right now.

Before anyone gets worked up, as if anybody reads this, i am NOT suicidal.  I'm just saying that i can see a bigger picture.

Then tonight i was thinking about how the Zoloft is supposed to be a wonder drug, and all I've gotten is to wonder what side effect will be next.  I thought, "I guess I'll be depressed forever."  That was depressing.  That's when i realized that Rick is right, too.  I thought, "no wonder people kill themselves, they cant bear the idea of living like this the rest of their lives - there's no hope."

Well, geez!  Now *i* wonder if I'm suicidal!  I'm just kidding, and I'll prove it with the 3rd topic - men!

Men

First of all, I've always liked older men.

Secondly, I'm terribly lonely (read post where best friend moved).

You see where I'm going with this.

I'll try to start at the beginning.  We (Matthew and I) started taking horseback riding lessons a couple of months ago.  When i told my mother who the instructor is, she said she was in 1st grade with him  Seriously.  When we got out there, he was a flirt, but I didn't take it seriously, cuz he's too old, right?  But the longer i was around him, the more i grew to like him. He has a funny sense of humor - smart ass, corny, sarcastic and just a touch of slapstick.  He's handsome - silver hair and piercing blue eyes.  He's not wrinkled a bit - i don't know how he pulled that off! And he seeps confidence.  And testosterone.  He's a  manly man.  He's short, but i never notice now because of the way he carries himself.  He's smart - and not just about horses.  He's a well-rounded individual.  I agree with all of his political views.  He has already gone out of his way to help me with the tractor - helpful and generous.  And he's a great kisser.

Yeah, you read that right.  He kissed me last week (only 1 week ago?!?)

It doesn't take a genius reading the above paragraph to realize I'm fighting off a crush - and not doing a very good job.  I really like him.  He's bothered by the age difference, though.  He said he felt like he was kissing a kid.  He didn't mean that as an insult - he has a daughter a year older and a daughter a year younger.  So i put it out of mind.  Then he kissed me again a  few days later. Now I really like him.  And I don't think it's all in my head.  He usually calls at least once a day and talks for 30 min.  He's been out to help with the tractor several times.  Yesterday he was in town when i was talking to him on the way home.  After i hung up, i sent a text asking if the feed store was open. He said yes.  After i got there, i turned around and he was getting gas next to my car.  We talked for a few min.  I really like him.


And I've wanted desperately for him to really like me.  When i first met him, he was casually dating someone.  She moved and it was couple weeks later that he kissed me.  But i was jealous of her every time i saw her car.  And I'm jealous even now that she was closer to him than i am.  How silly is that?!?  And I'm not even a jealous type.  But i guess it makes sense - I've always said jealousy comes from insecurity.  And obviously this "relationship" is tentative, at best.

Here's the problem: Is it because he's the only single male i know?  Is it a father issue?  I've wondered before if i like older men cuz of issues with my father. (btw, my father contacted me last February  I'm thinking of responding. Yes, 9 months later). At some point this past week, i realized i really want my father's acceptance and approval.  Maybe I'm looking for that with these older men.  Maybe i shouldn't consider an older man until after I've contacted my father?

I was telling Terry about him.  She didn't flat out say that he's too old, but she feels pretty strongly about it, i can tell.  I countered her points by saying that it's not like we're gonna get married and have kids.  She said, "why not?" I started crying.  My response was that I'm too old, and that's what i tell myself.  The truth is, i want desperately to be pregnant and have a child and be happy about the whole process!  But on the other hand, i do feel that i'm too old in many ways.  Matthew is almost 18 and i'm dying to stretch my wings! So basically, at some level I'm settling, but how?  Is it in regards to this older man?  Or is in regards to the fact that I'd rather have companionship now than wait for a potential father type?  I think if i were honest i would have to say that there's some of both - and more. (And i haven't even mentioned the adoption side road!)

After Rick, i said that i would not date someone significantly older than me.  But this man is so athletic and youthful.  That's the word Matthew used - "youthful.'

I wonder if i even want to get married.  I think I do, but it scares the crap out of me.  I think i want to ease into a long term comfortable realtionship.  I really want companionship.  I want someone to care about me.  I want to be able to take care of someone and have them enjoy it.  I want someone to enjoy my company.  I want someone to hold me.  I would like to be able to say, "I'm tired - can you take care of this for me?" And in turn, I want to spoil someone. 

I think this man can do all of that.  I like that he has his own life and wouldn't be smothering me.  The only thing i cant reconcile is sex.  I think it's wrong outside of marriage, but i want it and any man is gonna want it.  Cant we just have a committed relationship without marriage?  I don't even like the sound of that.  If you like it, put a ring on it, right?  But if we got married - he has these kids and a nice place.  Would i have to sign a prenup?  Would he do like Rick and leave me nothing cuz I'm not "blood?"  It's a trust issue - if I get married, I want the whole package.

So many questions. 

PS  I have not really proofed this, cuz i'm anxious to post while it's still current.  :)

Too little, too late

I should have written weeks ago. Somehow, even though this is a private diary, it's kinda de-motivating that nobody reads it. Ever.

Anyway, Terry had moved. She left town on Friday, July 23rd, 2010, in spite of my half-kidding requests to please stay. In spite of my denial. In spite of the fact that i had not written the letters to her that desperately needed to be put on paper. She left anyway. Everything was put in motion and couldn't be stopped, no matter what.

And now she's 800 miles away. And i'm afraid. I have a huge selfish fear that i will never see her, that our relationship will suffer and wither because of the miles. That not only will it not be the same, but it won't be as good.

Here's the deal. I know that she is married. I know her husband got a job last August that is 800 miles away. I know it's really best for her and the kids to be with their husband/father. And I know that in the big picture that best friends don't really count when it comes to life decisions. But it sucks and it doesn't keep me from being alone, afraid, sad, etc

*sobbing*

And she thinks that she has done nothing for me, that she's the only one that had benefited from this friendship?!?

*sobbing*

I miss her so much! I know this whole thing sounds corny, but it's how i feel. She taught, is teaching, me how to love through the good and bad. She has been my most successful relationship that was non-family. Actually, except for my son, she has been my most successful relationship, period. It's been 8 yrs. We've seen the good, the bad and the ugly. I almost destroyed our friendship because of my inability to deal with any turmoil in a relationship. She once told me that our friendship would be like a marriage, that we would be together through thick and thin. And SHE is the one that made that happen. She has been the only person that has loved me and been loyal to me, even thought she didn't have to. Even when i pushed her away. Even when her husband resented the time she gave me. I didn't realize that it was at those times that she chipped away and worked herself into my heart. And i feel so undeserving and that i gave her so little in return.

She has been confidant, supporter, loving critic, cheerleader, voice of reason, stability, other mother to my son, mother to my sons best friend, stability to my son (and my son), acceptance, provider of nieces and nephews, LAA (love, acceptance and approval), non-judgemental listener, great christian example, light to me in my darkness, honest opinion, generosity personified, role model, etc, etc. And i'm not over-exaggerating - i can give examples. She has showed me what is good and how to be daughter, mother, friend, wife, citizen. I wish i could have toldher in person, but i didn't have the fortitude.

I love you, Terry.

Poor Pitifull Me turned into Shame On Me

This is a very different post than it would have been a few hours ago. Yeah, really, a few hours.

Here's the deal, pickle (get it . . .it sounds like dill pickle . . .) Sorry. Really.

Anyway, let me just say that i have issues with depression. I have fought it for years. I'll be okay and then have a bad bout. At this point in my life, though, i strongly believe that a person's mind has a lot of power. I can usually tell when I'm heading that direction and i will stop doing the activity that is triggering it, or i will distract myself with something. If I'm on a crying jag, i might give myself 15 minutes for a pity party (btw, I used to actually set a timer and would not allow to cry after it went off). In a few minutes, hours or (rarely) days, I'll be okay. The point is that if i can head it off, i can prevent myself from going into a bout of deep depression. If i don't pull myself out, i can become suicidal for no apparent reason. I've never tried anything, i always realize it is not a good solution to anything and it is terribly unfair to the people left behind. It does scare me, though, and i really try to prevent going in that direction.

I used to become so debilitated - I would lay in the bed for days, cry, stress eat, escape with reading, shopping or driving back roads, etc. I was in counseling for a while, and decided to see the staff psychiatrist to get an antidepressant for my depression which was believed to be clinical (read into that 'situational' - in other words, a lot of stuff was happening in my life and i had good reason to be depressed.) When i went to the psychiatrist i wasn't in a severe depression at the time, but just my average low. We just all thought it would be good to change the chemistry and get me up out of depression to help me function better and stay up on my own (often your body gets used to the chemical changes that take place in depression and make that your new normal, thereby staying depressed). So i tried an antidepressant - the same my mother had used and done well with. Well, i did NOT do well, to say the least. It threw me into a deep bout of severe depression in which i felt like life was totally hopeless and i was, frankly, suicidal. The saving grace was that i realized the only thing that had changed was the medication. I stopped immediately and went back to normal depression. I have since been too scared to try another medication.

Having said all that to say this. . . I've been heading off a bout of depression lately. However, i was only half trying. I continued in the activity that was depressing me because of a morbid curiosity. And it was a new method for an old depression. I'm new on facebook and i had depleted all my old friends and i started looking up old boyfriends. As a i found how many had stayed with the loser girl and and now look all-American with the wife and kids, i became more depressed. And here i am, a single mom, turning 37, no prospects of any good relationship, etc. I thought i was doing OK on looking but not getting depressed. But the final blow was Friday at work.

This was going to be my full time job, but at the last minute i decided to stay with my old job 130 miles away (i only drive there once a week) This new one is my fill in job, and I'm the new girl who kept the job in the 'big city' (read: they think i must feel too good to work in the new little town). My boss has repeatedly told me that the complaints i have gotten have been because I'm new and the people are nasty tempered and they'll be better when they get someone else new to pick on. He's has told me to just wait it out.

Well, Friday he called me into the office and told me that one of the problem people (nurse) had gotten her boss (main ER doctor) stirred up about me and he went to administration. Long story short, they put me on 6 months probation to appease the doctor. If i make one mistake or have one complaint, it's automatic termination. (and no, it doesn't matter if there are analyzer problems, power outage, alien landing, etc. There is actually a rule in place to help prevent these problems because everyone makes the mistake that i made) Here's the part that makes me feel hopeless. These complaints only happen when i work alone (no witnesses from my own department to take up for me). The shift i usually work leaves me alone for the last hour and a half of my shift. BUT, the next four shifts I'm scheduled to work are nights for 12 hrs each. Basically, I'm doomed. I asked my boss to reschedule and not let me work alone until this all blows over, but he said if i can't work when he needs me then I'm of no use. At the same time, he says he really doesn't want to lose me because I'm a good worker. He also said if he has to choose me or him, he's keeping his job. duh. His best suggestion is to work and don't make a mistake. For six months. Needless to say, i feel quite helpless concerning this job.

And I'd like to point out that i have worked my other job for 4 years without being reprimanded once. In fact, I've gotten three awards for outstanding performance.

Well, the friday work incident was the straw that broke the depressed camel's back. The facebook, my mother being esp obnoxious for several weeks, and now the job - i took a dive head first into depression. Mainly about how much of a loser i am. I cried Friday when i left work and could not stop - literally. Every time my mind wandered, i teared up. My eyes were swollen half shut by Friday night. It was not pretty. I hate to tell what pulled me out, but here goes. My mom started picking on my son and pulling the crap she did to me (guilt trips, crying, hatefulness, etc) it made me so mad i at her i couldn't feel sorry for myself, i felt protective of my son. I also had a co-worker who really stepped up as a friend.

Now i was out of the serious depression but still felt like i needed to sort stuff out. I was gonna blog about everything, but i was embarrassed about my pity party, and i really hated to write about depression after being so up about spiritual stuff. (When will we learn that Christians are people, too? We have to battle human trials like everyone else, we just have a Hope - which leads me to the next part.)

We were supposed to go to Wisconsin this weekend for my cousin's wedding. We've been planning for months, but i suddenly had to back out because of my mother's antics. I just could not see my son and i traveling by car for 900+ miles with her. so we cancelled (due to money (wink, wink). Then i started trying to get back some of my shifts at my full time job. I got back the 3 night shifts, but did not pursue the day shifts. i thought it would be a mini vacation (and it has been wonderful!).

I decided while i was off work for a rare Sunday, i should go to church (we've got the right flavor across the street from the hospital). I got off from the night shift and went to bed. I had THE hardest time getting up. I started to stay in bed, but decided i really needed to go, esp with my recent depression. I am so glad i did.

Here's what i got from church. . .

I'm going through it, not to it. ( i know, cheesy, but it's easy to remember)
This situation, even my life, is not a snap shot of what's happening right now, but one frame in a long video.
And there was a third thing, but i keep saving this forever long post and coming back . . .

Anyway, between an unexpected friend being there for me, and esp church, i feel much better.

And i would like to add, I am Soooo thankful i didn't quit my other job for this one! Whew!

That's all. Thank you, see ya later.

The 'Not So Spiritual, In Fact, Quite Shallow' Post

OK, Here's life. I work 40 hrs on the weekend. This is so that i can be home with my son the rest of the week. We've tried other things, but short of being independently wealthy, this seems to work the best. But I'll tell you, at some point my personal hygiene usually suffers. I'm not proud of that, I'm just telling ya. . . (which is an unexpected advantage to an anonymous blog).

So this past Sunday was the day my hair was desperate (with a capital "ugh") to be washed. I was sooooo tired, but i was hungry, too. Someone had mentioned fish and I've been meaning to go to Captain D's. I've been meaning to go on account of the fact that i heard that they are one of the big chains likely to go under and i didn't want to spend the rest of my life wishing i could eat there one last time. (yes, I'm fat) And if my $4 for a meal (wow, great deal) could help them stay open, even better. But i think they need more than that.

Anyway, I decided that i would go there first before i went back to my room to shower in case it was greasy in there. You know, sometimes fast food chains are really greasy and your hair smells like the place until you wash it again, and that really annoys me. So, i go in (i was the only person there at the time) and order. The cook gives me a little smile and nod. I was NOT in the mood to have some random guy flirt with me, so i ignored him. Let's review my 'condition' at the time. My hair was three days oily, i had on clown scrubs that are two sizes to big, i have the huge tick bit on my neck (OMG, did i mention that the test came back as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever!), I've worked my second 16 hr shift in two days AND i have cramps - so DO YOU MIND? Then I get my food and he's hanging around my table and talking to me, and hanging close by talking to the other employee, etc. I'm starting to feel a little guilty because i have not been friendly (it's a southern thing) and so I'm trying to be polite, but not leading. By polite, i mean answering his questions instead of just yes/no grunts. Of course, being single i start grading everything in terms of a potential mate. I have gleaned from his conversation that his mother is 75yo (so he must be around 35 to 40) +, he has started going to church +, he had a ticket -, he didn't pay it -, his license was suspended when he got said ticket--, and his ex girlfriend has a LOT of tattoos - . So the total -'s clearly outway the +'s. Now I'm finished eating, so he makes sure he's the one there when i get my refill to go and hands me his phone number. Aaagh!

So many things are going through my mind, in no particular order of importance. If he is attracted to someone that looks like this and is just under hostile to him, AND he manages to pass off his phone number, then he will go after anything! Wonder what he got his license suspended for, and what was the ticket for? Why is the paper with his number dirty? Why did he write his first name, middle initial, and last name on the paper? Why is his number written with such large numbers and so oddly spaced?

But here's the part I'm ashamed of - really. I never realized i was such a snob. I actually wonder why he is 35-40 yo and working as a cook at Captain D's. I will be the first to tell you that all work is honorable, and you gotta do what you gotta do. But i can't help but wonder.

I pray for God to send me someone, and this is the only bite I've gotten in however long? Unless you count the married guy. . . But the bad part is, maybe he's nice (Captain D guy, not married guy), but i just don't want to call him.

And I'm afraid it's because I'm a shallow snob.