Friday, November 23, 2012

10 Years Later

Today is the day after Thanksgiving.  We did not celebrate Thanksgiving yesterday because i worked the night before and I came home and slept, thus the dressing did not get made.  Which wouldn't have been possible because my mother didn't make the cornbread ahead of time like she said she would.  But whatever.  We are having Thanksgiving today, which is just as good, in my opinion.  Actually, I really don't care and I'm only going to the effort for Matthew and Memo.

Having said all that to say this - I just woke up from a disturbing dream.  Everything was in real time, in the present.

We were all at Memo's house.  The Wisconsin Family was here, too.  (In real life, they will be here tomorrow.)  My mother was making cornbread and i was in there just generally waiting and helping.  My mother had some little papers - from notepads and scraps and napkins.  I was curious because she was guarding them so closely, keeping them with her as she moved around the kitchen.

She had her computer set up in the corner of the kitchen, which was unusual, but you never know about her.  A tall black guy came in, a dumb jock type that she must'vemet at the college.  Apparently we knew him because it didn't seem all that unusual.  He came and sat down on a stool in front of her computer.  She handed him one of the little papers and he started typing what was written.  I went over and sat beside him and he sort of tried to hide the paper and what he was typing. He was slow mentally, and he didnt hide either well.  He could hardly type, and it was all he could do to keep up with where he was on the paper. I finally got a good look.  It was all about me and the turmoil we went thru in 2003 when i moved out with Matthew.  She was still trying to build a case against me, and she was having him type part of it as a witness statement.  I looked at him and leaned in and said, "did you know this is about me?" He nodded his head.  I said, "This is from 10 yrs ago.  You know this isn't right, don't you?" And again, he nodded.  Then he continued trying to type.

I didn't know what to do.  She was staying close and never moving.  When he left she had the papers with her at all times again.  About that time i looked out the kitchen window and i could see all four horses in the north pasture.  Matthew was right, they had gotten out.  I told her and she started getting kitchen stuff where she could go out and help us put them up.  I went back to get Matthew out of the bathroom.  I went to the front bathroom and knocked.  No answer. I knocked again.  I could hear someone in there, but no answer.  I said something to the effect of needing Matthew cuz the horses were out.  I heard a whisper.  Aunt Bunny said she thought it was Susan.  I knocked again, A louder whisper.  Then i went to the back bathroom and Matthew was back there.  I told him we had to get out and get the horses.  We headed thru the house and i realized that mother had gone out just ahead and left her papers on the counter.  I grabbed them and tried to take a picture.  I was frantic to hurry before she remembered and came inside.  I couldn't get the camera app to open.  Then i was worried i wouldn't have enough space.  I couldn't hold the phone still.  I went into the dining room and laid the papers out, and started taking pics.  Then i trashed the ones i had taken and doubled up the pics so  I could be more likely to get all of them.  I wanted to show in court her hand-written notes that coincided with the typed notes from the black guy and whomever else she was using.  I think that's when i woke up.

So what does it all mean?

Obviously, there are unresolved issues between us about that time period.  But that's no news flash, considering i just found where she was helping Rick against me.  I think to me, it shows that it's new and fresh - almost as if it's happening currently.  I'm sure that is contributing to my depression.  Also, i think when the horses got out, and Matthew was right, it was a nod to the fact that i feel i have no control over my life.  When whomever in the bathroom wouldn't answer me, i think that was indicative of me asking for help and support, and not getting any.

That was such a hard time in my life.  I don't think I will ever get over it.  My mother betrayed me.  She betrayed me in the worst possible way - trying to have my child taken from me.  It would have killed me, literally.  Matthew is the only lasting thing in my life - he keeps me grounded.  He's the only successful long-term relationship I've ever had.  He's my purpose for trying to do better and be better.  And she tried to take that from me out of selfish spite.  Frankly, it was traumatic. And the worst slap in the face?  She denies her role in the whole mess.

While i was proof reading and spell checking, i think i realized someing else.  I said in the dream that I needed Matthew to help me with the horses (life out of control), and then later I stated how he is so important to me, for my survival.  In the dream I acknowledged that by saying I needed him to help me with the horses.  Even in the dream, i pointed out that they arent running, they're just grazing.  So in other words, I didn't really physically need him, just emotionally.  Interesting.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

3 for 1

As the title implies, this will be three posts at once.  I don't like the idea of doing that, but I have a lot to get off my chest.

The Ring

About two weeks ago i received a Facebook message from my buddy mr raines.  He told me that Rick had a web site set up and that I was on it, and I should check it out.  Of course, I did so immediately.  There were several links to various legal battles, including one titled, "The Ring."  That's actually kinda funny cuz that's how we refer to the case.  well, now that i mention it, and with I'm about to tell, maybe that's not so funny, after all.  

First, he had his version of the break-up.  He got major points and time lines wrong.  While i wasn't happy that he posted this online, I took some comfort in the fact that the whole thing was the ranting of an obviously troubled man.  However, the one thing that was really flat-out wrong was that he said i was having sex with Ron while Rick and I were engaged.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I will see about taking legal action to have that removed from the Internet.  So is this what I'm upset about?  NO.

With each court case, Rick posted photocopies of evidence he used, or tried to use.  On my case, it included receipts, canceled checks, love notes (???), etc.  Then the very last item posted was a letter from my mother.  Oh, yes, you read that correctly.  My mother!

My mother had written an email to an advice/counseling site about me.  apparently when Rick decided to sue me, she printed the letter out and gave it to him.  The photocopy he has is from a printout from her personal email, complete with the staple showing.  In other words, he didn't find this on the Internet, he had to be given a copy. I even went to the website, and you have to have an acct set up, and use the same email.

I know i shouldn't have been surprised, and i guess i wasn't, but i was deeply hurt again.  It was just a reminder of some of the terrible things she did during that time.  And i was mad at myself, because i never take myself seriously or trust my instincts.  I say that because at the time i suspected that she and rick were working together.  We went to walmart once, but shopped separately.  I came around the corner and she was talking with Rick.  I saw them a split second before they saw me.  He turned and left quickly, and she acted all indignant.  She told me that he wanted her help against me, but why would he think she would help him? She was very convincing.  Plus, you want to believe that your mother wouldn't try to help your ex.  It's not like there were children involved, or some other moral/ethical reason.  She just betrayed me cuz she could.

Along the same vein, I've been cleaning out the office.  I keep finding notes and paperwork related to that time in my life.  The whole thing is very troubling all over again.  If i had written this 2 weeks ago there would have been much more ranting and anger, but I've buried it again.  its the only way i can survive having to live next to her and interact on a daily basis.

I just feel so beat down by life, which leads me to my next topic.

The Pill

The little green pill.  My solution?  I certainly hope so.

Brace yourself for whining.  Life sucks. My life sucks.  I'm depressed, and with good reason.(here's the whining).

My mother and i lived together.  By now anyone should understand how distressing that is.
I got my own trailer, but it wasn't in great shape. And i had to put in my grandmothers backyard - next to my mother!
The trailer has something wrong with it all the time - electrical, plumbing, etc
My best friend, Terry, moved 12 hrs away.
I had to quit a job i really liked cuz it was now too far away and didn't pay quite as much as my PRN job.
I dated an a**hole.
In May, the a**hole got married, i quit the afore mentioned job, i had cosmetic surgery (for a birth defect) that didn't turn out right, I passed my certification but the new job didn't give me the raise they promised, and . . . Yeah, May sucked. 
The a/c kept going out in the house and i didn't have money to fix it.  Memo said she would, but never did.
And last, but not least, I'm reminded again of how much my mother truly dislikes me. And shouldn't your mother be the one that like you when nobody else does???

So yeah, I'm depressed. It's something I've struggled with it for years.  I've gotten pretty good at ignoring it and distracting myself so that i don't fall into a deep suicidal depression, but it's always there.  I'm lonely, I'm tired, I want to quit life.  I'm trapped.  I want to escape.  All i think about is escape.  Riding the horse in the woods.  Riding the horse at a dead gallop and never turning back.  I fantasize about what I'll do and where I'll go when Matthew leaves home.  And that's depressing cuz i really don't want him to leave. But I'm tired of being tied down to Monticello - and I'm only in Monticello for him.  And I'm so tired of being a single parent.  If it gets done, it's because i thought of it and either did it myself, or hounded him till he did it.  When will he be more responsible?  I feel like giving up there, too.  If he doesn't want to do something, at nearly 18, why bother making him do it? I'm just so tired.  All i want to do is leave.  I just want to leave.  I don't particularly like my job here.  For a small hospital, its good.  Its just a small hospital and not interesting and exciting.  I've got burn out, i think.  I would like a job that challenges my skills, at a place where they care about quality (but they're not stupid, either). 

So last week i had my annual evaluation.  I got written up.  Twice.  My turn around time is too long.  And i deserved to be written up.  There are times that i know there is a test in there and i procrastinate on doing it.  That's not me - i totally deserved to be written up and it was a good wake-up call.  However, i think the problem is bigger than me, or burn out or boredom.  I'm depressed, and have been for a long time.

So, last week i went to the doctor and asked for an antidepressant.  He put me on Zoloft.  The only difference i can tell so far is that my sleep is very disturbed.  Excellent.  :-/

I have my hopes that an antidepressant can help me.  At the end of August i hurt my hip.  The Dr put me on a Prednisone dose pack.  I was like a woman possessed!  I cleaned house 20 hrs a day, no kidding.  It was unreal.  Also, i quit obsessing about food.  It was wonderful. But at the same time, I'm scared that it was a manic phase and that I'm unknowingly bi-polar.  I don't know.  But i have been more depressed since that time, which Ive read is a side effect of steroids.  So, i don't know, but i hope the Zoloft helps. 

(2 days later)

I'm pretty disappointed in my little green pill so far.

Ive tried to stay upbeat, but I'm still depressed.  I know its only been 6 days, but still, i thought i would feel better.  I can certainly tell physical differences, so why cant mental outlook/differences follow suit just as quickly? 

Part of what's depressing is the physical side effects.  At the top of the list is insomnia.  Right now I'm averaging 2.5 hrs of sleep a day.  I started it when i had 3 more nights off work.  I've gotten less and less sleep, despite the fact that I'm staying up all night at work without even a cat nap. Like i said, i get off work, go home and lay in bed.  when i finally fall asleep, it's not very restful.  i wake up feeling  like I've tossed and turned for hrs, and it will only be 2.5 hrs, and I'm wide awake.  Its miserable.

Last night i noticed that my hands were shaky and jittery.  I felt like i need to yawn and stretch, but no stretch was big enough.

Tonight, my heart feels funny.  it could be from exhaustion, or it could be a direct side effect.

Before i started the Zoloft, i was thinking about suicide - not personally considering it, just thinking in general.  I never had a theory as to why somebody would do something so drastic.  Rick said it was because they lost hope.  i thought about it, and that seemed a reasonable explanation.  But last week i realized that there was a bigger reason, one more motivating.  It's an escaped.  the ultimate escape.  No problems with family, work, etc.  no more bills, no more responsibility.  No more lonely, no more fighting depression.  The best escape.  That makes sense.  At least it does to me right now.

Before anyone gets worked up, as if anybody reads this, i am NOT suicidal.  I'm just saying that i can see a bigger picture.

Then tonight i was thinking about how the Zoloft is supposed to be a wonder drug, and all I've gotten is to wonder what side effect will be next.  I thought, "I guess I'll be depressed forever."  That was depressing.  That's when i realized that Rick is right, too.  I thought, "no wonder people kill themselves, they cant bear the idea of living like this the rest of their lives - there's no hope."

Well, geez!  Now *i* wonder if I'm suicidal!  I'm just kidding, and I'll prove it with the 3rd topic - men!


First of all, I've always liked older men.

Secondly, I'm terribly lonely (read post where best friend moved).

You see where I'm going with this.

I'll try to start at the beginning.  We (Matthew and I) started taking horseback riding lessons a couple of months ago.  When i told my mother who the instructor is, she said she was in 1st grade with him  Seriously.  When we got out there, he was a flirt, but I didn't take it seriously, cuz he's too old, right?  But the longer i was around him, the more i grew to like him. He has a funny sense of humor - smart ass, corny, sarcastic and just a touch of slapstick.  He's handsome - silver hair and piercing blue eyes.  He's not wrinkled a bit - i don't know how he pulled that off! And he seeps confidence.  And testosterone.  He's a  manly man.  He's short, but i never notice now because of the way he carries himself.  He's smart - and not just about horses.  He's a well-rounded individual.  I agree with all of his political views.  He has already gone out of his way to help me with the tractor - helpful and generous.  And he's a great kisser.

Yeah, you read that right.  He kissed me last week (only 1 week ago?!?)

It doesn't take a genius reading the above paragraph to realize I'm fighting off a crush - and not doing a very good job.  I really like him.  He's bothered by the age difference, though.  He said he felt like he was kissing a kid.  He didn't mean that as an insult - he has a daughter a year older and a daughter a year younger.  So i put it out of mind.  Then he kissed me again a  few days later. Now I really like him.  And I don't think it's all in my head.  He usually calls at least once a day and talks for 30 min.  He's been out to help with the tractor several times.  Yesterday he was in town when i was talking to him on the way home.  After i hung up, i sent a text asking if the feed store was open. He said yes.  After i got there, i turned around and he was getting gas next to my car.  We talked for a few min.  I really like him.

And I've wanted desperately for him to really like me.  When i first met him, he was casually dating someone.  She moved and it was couple weeks later that he kissed me.  But i was jealous of her every time i saw her car.  And I'm jealous even now that she was closer to him than i am.  How silly is that?!?  And I'm not even a jealous type.  But i guess it makes sense - I've always said jealousy comes from insecurity.  And obviously this "relationship" is tentative, at best.

Here's the problem: Is it because he's the only single male i know?  Is it a father issue?  I've wondered before if i like older men cuz of issues with my father. (btw, my father contacted me last February  I'm thinking of responding. Yes, 9 months later). At some point this past week, i realized i really want my father's acceptance and approval.  Maybe I'm looking for that with these older men.  Maybe i shouldn't consider an older man until after I've contacted my father?

I was telling Terry about him.  She didn't flat out say that he's too old, but she feels pretty strongly about it, i can tell.  I countered her points by saying that it's not like we're gonna get married and have kids.  She said, "why not?" I started crying.  My response was that I'm too old, and that's what i tell myself.  The truth is, i want desperately to be pregnant and have a child and be happy about the whole process!  But on the other hand, i do feel that i'm too old in many ways.  Matthew is almost 18 and i'm dying to stretch my wings! So basically, at some level I'm settling, but how?  Is it in regards to this older man?  Or is in regards to the fact that I'd rather have companionship now than wait for a potential father type?  I think if i were honest i would have to say that there's some of both - and more. (And i haven't even mentioned the adoption side road!)

After Rick, i said that i would not date someone significantly older than me.  But this man is so athletic and youthful.  That's the word Matthew used - "youthful.'

I wonder if i even want to get married.  I think I do, but it scares the crap out of me.  I think i want to ease into a long term comfortable realtionship.  I really want companionship.  I want someone to care about me.  I want to be able to take care of someone and have them enjoy it.  I want someone to enjoy my company.  I want someone to hold me.  I would like to be able to say, "I'm tired - can you take care of this for me?" And in turn, I want to spoil someone. 

I think this man can do all of that.  I like that he has his own life and wouldn't be smothering me.  The only thing i cant reconcile is sex.  I think it's wrong outside of marriage, but i want it and any man is gonna want it.  Cant we just have a committed relationship without marriage?  I don't even like the sound of that.  If you like it, put a ring on it, right?  But if we got married - he has these kids and a nice place.  Would i have to sign a prenup?  Would he do like Rick and leave me nothing cuz I'm not "blood?"  It's a trust issue - if I get married, I want the whole package.

So many questions. 

PS  I have not really proofed this, cuz i'm anxious to post while it's still current.  :)