Sunday, August 17, 2014

I'm Tired. I Don't Wanna Play Anymore.

I don't feel like writing anything.  In fact, I don't feel like doing anything.  But I know I need to write, and get it all out of my system.  And later, when i think, "was it really that bad?" I can look back and say, "wow, that was bad, and I made it through."

So where to start?

Scott - I just don't have the energy right now to be active and involved.  And besides, he's married and its wrong for me to be involved, even though we haven't done anything *wrong* I still feel guilty.  Do I love him? Yes.  At least I love the idea of him.  The problem is, I've put my wall up.  I'm on guard.  I don't really think hes going to actually leave his wife.  I don't really think we are going to actually get married.  And i don't really think that he'll seriously consider having a baby with me.  So I guess what I'm saying is that i have no faith in him, and its hard to play make believe with him.  Sad thing is, i don't want to say anything and mess it up if it really will happen.

Matt - Ugh.  That's all i can think to say.  I've avoided him because i didn't want to encourage him in this "relationship."  I finally worked up the nerve to tell him that we needed to have a frank discussion regarding our relationship, or lack thereof.  He agreed.  And he even added that no matter what we decide, his feelings for me won't change.  I took that as a good sign that we would have a friendly split.  Then we went to the James Taylor concert.  Afterwards, we ate dinner and talked.  I thought we came to an agreement that things that didn't have to change, but we would no longer refer to this as a dating relationship.  But what do you know, things have changed - towards a dating relationship.  I truly like him, care for him even, but this is never going to work and I'm back to being stuck again.  Ugh.

My Evil Mother - So much to tell, and I'm such a poor typist.  She had Memo's will changed on Thursday, July 31.  Memo started getting sick Friday and vomited nearly ever day.  Tuesday i insisted she go to the hospital.  She was having a complication from the pancreatic cancer.  I noticed in the middle of the week that my updates didn't make sense, and they were much less frequent.  Apparently, i was to be kept in the dark.  Memo finally accidentally told me a week later on August 14th. 

While she was in the hospital (Aug 5 - 7), I was stuck without a car.  I decided that instead of selling Memo's car to someone else, i would see about getting it fixed and buy it myself.  I had it towed in.  Repairs only came to $445 instead of $2,400.  My mother flipped when i she realized i might end up with transportation again.  She went to the sheriff and tried to imply that i stole the car.  She figured out which shop i had it in and while i was paying, she drove off.  She hid it at another garage in town (Herb Handly).  When i went to get the car registered in my name (Memo had signed the title so i could sell it), my  mother had requested a duplicate title, thereby rendering mine useless.  She's a bitch, but she's smart.  

Tuesday was my birthday.  I have to say, overall i had a good birthday experience, especially considering all the crap going on.  The Friday before i got to see James Taylor.  What an incredible concert.  I could so easily be a groupie!  :)  And the evening with Matt was very  nice.  He's a very good listener.  I worked the weekend, but it wasn't a bad weekend.  Sunday i got to go to church, and i met my FB friend Linda, and we went to lunch.  That was so good, too.  Tuesday, my actual birthday, i went for a consult with an attorney about my mother.  While that may not seem like a good birthday activity, it eased my mind a lot, so that was good.  Matthew and i went to lunch, and that was good.  Gawd I love that boy.  My mother made dinner - not impressed - and that was it. 

Oh, and a weird thing.  My mother wanted me to go target practice with her on July 4th.  We don't do that together.  Then i find out that she has purchased several new guns.  And now the weird part. . . for my birthday she is giving me a concealed carry class.  I DONT HAVE A GUN!!!  Why would I need a concealed carry class?!?  Honestly, i have concerns that she's trying to "accidentally" shoot me, or in the least,  try to make it look like I'm stealing one of her guns.  Theres something weird going on there.

Theres more, but i guess there always will be.  I do feel better.  I'm trying to fight off depression.  Robin Williams killed himself last Monday, the day before my birthday.  I was so saddened.  I think in a way because i saw it coming, and its sad that others didn't see it and try to save him.  And I wonder if could get too far gone in the despair and hopelessness.  I hope not, but it scares the daylights out of me.  It scares me for me, and it scares me for Matthew.