Tuesday, August 18, 2009

More Dreams, Anyone?

I tried to post this from e-mail on Aug 10th since i can't access the blog from one of my jobs. It didn't work.

okay, I've been having weird dreams - with a capital CRAZY! All last week i was worn out because i was dreaming weird stuff and it was waking me up in the middle of the night. I can't really remember those, except one was about Richard, one was about Terry (i woke myself up laughing), and another i was talking in my sleep about tamales (have i mentioned i love Mexican food?!?).

Well tonight i was taking a nap before work and was awakened by my co-worker calling because i had set the alarm for am, not pm (oops!). This is the dream i was having: I had to go out to the country where we used to live (in dreamland, not real life). Problem was, the car (or van?) wouldn't go forward, only backwards, and i felt pressured by traffic. So i did what any one would do - i drove in reverse! i was quickly in the country and up to 55 or 60 mph, and then there was construction, so the the road made a slight detour off pavement onto clay. I kept going at the same rate of speed - still in reverse. At some point it became dark. I can't explain the headlights, but i could see. I guess my son was with me, cuz when we got there he went in with me to check his stuff. He came back upset cuz one of his Thomas characters was missing. i explained i had taken it home, so it was OK (why i took one of 50-ish, i don't know. and why he cared at 14yo, who knows?). Then my son got a call from an ICU nurse (Robbie) friend of mine and she was sorry he couldn't go to the zoo with the group, but she was determined to describe the big cat exhibit in detail. (???) Then i was outside calling my mom and trying to tell her where we were so she could come pick us up (like she wouldn't know where we used to live). i was looking at mail box numbers and i couldn't see ours or remember it but the neighbors were 636 (?) and then i saw ours was something like 4643 (a big jump in numbers!). Then she was there and we got in her van which was a big work type of van and i was sitting on the floor in the back thinking about how the thin rubber mat didn't cushion as well as the mat in my vehicle. I was looking out the left side wondering why they designed it with the transmission in the middle on the side, requiring a big bulge out of the body of the van. Then my phone rang. Pretty much, the most significant part to me was the driving backwards at a high rate of speed. Do i feel like I'm regressing in life? Well, with my depression lately, i certainly feel like a bit of a failure. It's prob also significant that i was going back to a place we used to live. In real life, i do miss my old town that we moved from last year.

Thoughts, anyone? Hellooooooo?!?

Strange, really. . .

Isn't it odd how one's sense of worth can almost be tied with the quantity (or lack, thereof) of comments. Why is that validation so sought after?

I wanted an anonymous blog - i got one!


Friday, August 14, 2009

You Might be a Redneck . .

If you know how to run a bush hog, and you mow your front yard with one. ;-)

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Poor Pitifull Me turned into Shame On Me

This is a very different post than it would have been a few hours ago. Yeah, really, a few hours.

Here's the deal, pickle (get it . . .it sounds like dill pickle . . .) Sorry. Really.

Anyway, let me just say that i have issues with depression. I have fought it for years. I'll be okay and then have a bad bout. At this point in my life, though, i strongly believe that a person's mind has a lot of power. I can usually tell when I'm heading that direction and i will stop doing the activity that is triggering it, or i will distract myself with something. If I'm on a crying jag, i might give myself 15 minutes for a pity party (btw, I used to actually set a timer and would not allow to cry after it went off). In a few minutes, hours or (rarely) days, I'll be okay. The point is that if i can head it off, i can prevent myself from going into a bout of deep depression. If i don't pull myself out, i can become suicidal for no apparent reason. I've never tried anything, i always realize it is not a good solution to anything and it is terribly unfair to the people left behind. It does scare me, though, and i really try to prevent going in that direction.

I used to become so debilitated - I would lay in the bed for days, cry, stress eat, escape with reading, shopping or driving back roads, etc. I was in counseling for a while, and decided to see the staff psychiatrist to get an antidepressant for my depression which was believed to be clinical (read into that 'situational' - in other words, a lot of stuff was happening in my life and i had good reason to be depressed.) When i went to the psychiatrist i wasn't in a severe depression at the time, but just my average low. We just all thought it would be good to change the chemistry and get me up out of depression to help me function better and stay up on my own (often your body gets used to the chemical changes that take place in depression and make that your new normal, thereby staying depressed). So i tried an antidepressant - the same my mother had used and done well with. Well, i did NOT do well, to say the least. It threw me into a deep bout of severe depression in which i felt like life was totally hopeless and i was, frankly, suicidal. The saving grace was that i realized the only thing that had changed was the medication. I stopped immediately and went back to normal depression. I have since been too scared to try another medication.

Having said all that to say this. . . I've been heading off a bout of depression lately. However, i was only half trying. I continued in the activity that was depressing me because of a morbid curiosity. And it was a new method for an old depression. I'm new on facebook and i had depleted all my old friends and i started looking up old boyfriends. As a i found how many had stayed with the loser girl and and now look all-American with the wife and kids, i became more depressed. And here i am, a single mom, turning 37, no prospects of any good relationship, etc. I thought i was doing OK on looking but not getting depressed. But the final blow was Friday at work.

This was going to be my full time job, but at the last minute i decided to stay with my old job 130 miles away (i only drive there once a week) This new one is my fill in job, and I'm the new girl who kept the job in the 'big city' (read: they think i must feel too good to work in the new little town). My boss has repeatedly told me that the complaints i have gotten have been because I'm new and the people are nasty tempered and they'll be better when they get someone else new to pick on. He's has told me to just wait it out.

Well, Friday he called me into the office and told me that one of the problem people (nurse) had gotten her boss (main ER doctor) stirred up about me and he went to administration. Long story short, they put me on 6 months probation to appease the doctor. If i make one mistake or have one complaint, it's automatic termination. (and no, it doesn't matter if there are analyzer problems, power outage, alien landing, etc. There is actually a rule in place to help prevent these problems because everyone makes the mistake that i made) Here's the part that makes me feel hopeless. These complaints only happen when i work alone (no witnesses from my own department to take up for me). The shift i usually work leaves me alone for the last hour and a half of my shift. BUT, the next four shifts I'm scheduled to work are nights for 12 hrs each. Basically, I'm doomed. I asked my boss to reschedule and not let me work alone until this all blows over, but he said if i can't work when he needs me then I'm of no use. At the same time, he says he really doesn't want to lose me because I'm a good worker. He also said if he has to choose me or him, he's keeping his job. duh. His best suggestion is to work and don't make a mistake. For six months. Needless to say, i feel quite helpless concerning this job.

And I'd like to point out that i have worked my other job for 4 years without being reprimanded once. In fact, I've gotten three awards for outstanding performance.

Well, the friday work incident was the straw that broke the depressed camel's back. The facebook, my mother being esp obnoxious for several weeks, and now the job - i took a dive head first into depression. Mainly about how much of a loser i am. I cried Friday when i left work and could not stop - literally. Every time my mind wandered, i teared up. My eyes were swollen half shut by Friday night. It was not pretty. I hate to tell what pulled me out, but here goes. My mom started picking on my son and pulling the crap she did to me (guilt trips, crying, hatefulness, etc) it made me so mad i at her i couldn't feel sorry for myself, i felt protective of my son. I also had a co-worker who really stepped up as a friend.

Now i was out of the serious depression but still felt like i needed to sort stuff out. I was gonna blog about everything, but i was embarrassed about my pity party, and i really hated to write about depression after being so up about spiritual stuff. (When will we learn that Christians are people, too? We have to battle human trials like everyone else, we just have a Hope - which leads me to the next part.)

We were supposed to go to Wisconsin this weekend for my cousin's wedding. We've been planning for months, but i suddenly had to back out because of my mother's antics. I just could not see my son and i traveling by car for 900+ miles with her. so we cancelled (due to money (wink, wink). Then i started trying to get back some of my shifts at my full time job. I got back the 3 night shifts, but did not pursue the day shifts. i thought it would be a mini vacation (and it has been wonderful!).

I decided while i was off work for a rare Sunday, i should go to church (we've got the right flavor across the street from the hospital). I got off from the night shift and went to bed. I had THE hardest time getting up. I started to stay in bed, but decided i really needed to go, esp with my recent depression. I am so glad i did.

Here's what i got from church. . .

I'm going through it, not to it. ( i know, cheesy, but it's easy to remember)
This situation, even my life, is not a snap shot of what's happening right now, but one frame in a long video.
And there was a third thing, but i keep saving this forever long post and coming back . . .

Anyway, between an unexpected friend being there for me, and esp church, i feel much better.

And i would like to add, I am Soooo thankful i didn't quit my other job for this one! Whew!

That's all. Thank you, see ya later.