tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13543598041821334812024-03-22T00:28:34.660-05:00Oh, my word!Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-7303004352137621312015-04-24T05:02:00.002-05:002015-04-24T05:02:16.834-05:00No WordsI know this is stupid, and I shouldn't be this upset, but I am.<br />
<br />
Yesterday David and faye came out to look at the fencing problem. I was already embarrassed at the how trashy the place looks. But then they got here and Dixie had to potty. Matthew said they couldn't go in Memo's, and that his bathroom was too dirty to use, so they had to use mine. All I could do was have matthew take them in the front door, and I went in the back and closed the laundry room door so she wouldn't see the cat boxes. I wanted to die 1000 deaths. <br />
<br />
I'm humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed. As much as I need and want friends, and as much as I really like faye, I'm actually considering never talking to them again. I'm so embarrassed. Embarrassed isn't a strong enough word. There isn't a strong enough word. <br />
<br />
And i kinda feel betrayed. I asked matthew when I was drawing house plans if he wanted a private bathroom. He said no. He promised to keep his clean for public use. So why didn't I make him take them to his bathroom? I would say I'm angry at him, but I'm really not. I'm past that. I'm distraught that it happened at all. <br />
<br />
I have no words. I just cry. I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. This is a pit, and apparently I'm destined to be alone in my pit. Nobody will help me. Matthew makes a mess and wont help me. I make a mess and feel like there's no point. I want to sleep and escape my life. I hate my life. <br />
<br />
Matthew said he didn't realize it was that big a deal. How can he not? I plead with him to do his part. Am I just low level background noise? I feel like I don't matter to anyone. This stripped any last shred of dignity I had. I have no dignity or self esteem left. Even in the dark I want to hide my face.<br />
<br />
And the damned horse scratched my car. Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-22258112076689230902014-08-17T04:55:00.000-05:002014-08-17T04:55:26.982-05:00I'm Tired. I Don't Wanna Play Anymore.I don't feel like writing anything. In fact, I don't feel like doing anything. But I know I need to write, and get it all out of my system. And later, when i think, "was it really that bad?" I can look back and say, "wow, that was bad, and I made it through."<br />
<br />
So where to start?<br />
<br />
Scott - I just don't have the energy right now to be active and involved. And besides, he's married and its wrong for me to be involved, even though we haven't done anything *wrong* I still feel guilty. Do I love him? Yes. At least I love the idea of him. The problem is, I've put my wall up. I'm on guard. I don't really think hes going to actually leave his wife. I don't really think we are going to actually get married. And i don't really think that he'll seriously consider having a baby with me. So I guess what I'm saying is that i have no faith in him, and its hard to play make believe with him. Sad thing is, i don't want to say anything and mess it up if it really will happen.<br />
<br />
Matt - Ugh. That's all i can think to say. I've avoided him because i didn't want to encourage him in this "relationship." I finally worked up the nerve to tell him that we needed to have a frank discussion regarding our relationship, or lack thereof. He agreed. And he even added that no matter what we decide, his feelings for me won't change. I took that as a good sign that we would have a friendly split. Then we went to the James Taylor concert. Afterwards, we ate dinner and talked. I thought we came to an agreement that things that didn't have to change, but we would no longer refer to this as a dating relationship. But what do you know, things have changed - towards a dating relationship. I truly like him, care for him even, but this is never going to work and I'm back to being stuck again. Ugh.<br />
<br />
My Evil Mother - So much to tell, and I'm such a poor typist. She had Memo's will changed on Thursday, July 31. Memo started getting sick Friday and vomited nearly ever day. Tuesday i insisted she go to the hospital. She was having a complication from the pancreatic cancer. I noticed in the middle of the week that my updates didn't make sense, and they were much less frequent. Apparently, i was to be kept in the dark. Memo finally accidentally told me a week later on August 14th. <br />
<br />
While she was in the hospital (Aug 5 - 7), I was stuck without a car. I decided that instead of selling Memo's car to someone else, i would see about getting it fixed and buy it myself. I had it towed in. Repairs only came to $445 instead of $2,400. My mother flipped when i she realized i might end up with transportation again. She went to the sheriff and tried to imply that i stole the car. She figured out which shop i had it in and while i was paying, she drove off. She hid it at another garage in town (Herb Handly). When i went to get the car registered in my name (Memo had signed the title so i could sell it), my mother had requested a duplicate title, thereby rendering mine useless. She's a bitch, but she's smart. <br />
<br />
Tuesday was my birthday. I have to say, overall i had a good birthday experience, especially considering all the crap going on. The Friday before i got to see James Taylor. What an incredible concert. I could so easily be a groupie! :) And the evening with Matt was very nice. He's a very good listener. I worked the weekend, but it wasn't a bad weekend. Sunday i got to go to church, and i met my FB friend Linda, and we went to lunch. That was so good, too. Tuesday, my actual birthday, i went for a consult with an attorney about my mother. While that may not seem like a good birthday activity, it eased my mind a lot, so that was good. Matthew and i went to lunch, and that was good. Gawd I love that boy. My mother made dinner - not impressed - and that was it. <br />
<br />
Oh, and a weird thing. My mother wanted me to go target practice with her on July 4th. We don't do that together. Then i find out that she has purchased several new guns. And now the weird part. . . for my birthday she is giving me a concealed carry class. I DONT HAVE A GUN!!! Why would I need a concealed carry class?!? Honestly, i have concerns that she's trying to "accidentally" shoot me, or in the least, try to make it look like I'm stealing one of her guns. Theres something weird going on there.<br />
<br />
Theres more, but i guess there always will be. I do feel better. I'm trying to fight off depression. Robin Williams killed himself last Monday, the day before my birthday. I was so saddened. I think in a way because i saw it coming, and its sad that others didn't see it and try to save him. And I wonder if could get too far gone in the despair and hopelessness. I hope not, but it scares the daylights out of me. It scares me for me, and it scares me for Matthew. <br />
<br />
Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-22149014297146382212014-07-31T23:58:00.000-05:002014-07-31T23:58:36.315-05:00There's so much I could write about today. I can talk more about Scott. I could write about the new house, and the huge undertaking of moving out of the old house. I can write about the boyfriend, Matt, and how he's not really a boyfriend. I can even write about the first fight with my best friend, Connie, and how we didn't talk for 4 days. Sadly, what I have to write about is bigger than all of those things put together. Tonight I'm faced with the sad reality that my mother has betrayed my son, in much the same way that she has betrayed me repeatedly. Today, my mother met with Memo and her attorney and had Matthew's name taken off the land and house. And then she had the nerve to act like matthew should be happy because, "Matthew is now her sole heir!"<br />
<br />
Suddenly, I'm speechless at the gravity of the situation. And I'm so sad for Matthew.<br />
<br />Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-6377075846309543162014-06-30T05:11:00.001-05:002014-06-30T05:11:38.024-05:00The One That Got AwayDid you ever have "the one that got away?" It doesn't have to be a fish in your tall tale. But everyone has one, don't they? One weird example was the t-shirt that i really wanted to buy at the Carman concert when i was about 13. My mother had given me the money, but she had also, over time, impressed upon me the fact that we had NO extra money. I had the t-shirt in my hand, and i put it back. I have never forgotten that moment, or the shirt. That's why i tell Matthew that no matter how "broke" we are, that he should get something if he really wants it, cuz we'll still be broke even if he doesn't spend the money, so he may as well have something he enjoys. But enough about my stellar parenting. . . ;)<br />
<br />
My biggie that got away was Scott. Scotty. I was 19, he 22. He was only the third person i had ever been out with on a date, and my second boyfriend. I was in love, and not just a little. With my mother's "help,' I stood up my grandparents for Christmas and we spent it with Scott's family. He gave me a gold coin bracelet. I was moved beyond words. When we left that evening, i remember crying - bawling - because i was so overwhelmed with my love for him. On Valentine's Day he proposed to me in his living room with his mom there. Of course, i said yes. <br />
<br />
But things started getting weird. One evening in April we took a break from moving him to a new apartment. He asked what i wanted to do, and thinking that he meant for the rest of the evening, i replied that i didn't care. He suggested that he call me in a couple of weeks. I was stunned. I sarcastically asked if he wanted his ring back and he said yes. I left in a daze. I made it 2 blocks before i pulled over and sobbed. As the days and weeks went by, i wanted to kill myself. I became obsessed with cemeteries, and where I should be buried. Why this didn't concern my mother, i have no idea.<br />
<br />
The events of the night have permanently stained my perspective. I still rack my brain to figure out what i did wrong, what signal i missed, how i couldve been more clear about my feelings. Anything. I beat myself up, convinced that something is inherently wrong with me. And it carries over to my dating, even today. I've had 2 more people just leave for no apparent reason. I feel immense stress about not pressuring someone, trying to be myself, all the while look for clues.<br />
<br />
So why do i mention all this now? Because he is back in my life. And believe it or not, i love him just as much 22 years later as I did on that Christmas night. I still have to catch my breath when i think of him. I'm not saying that I've never loved anyone else, but I am saying that I've never loved anyone like i love him. And I'm so scared that history will repeat itself - again.<br />
<br />
He says he loves me, that his feelings have never changed. I eventually (3rd visit) asked what happened way back then. He seemed very sad. He said his parents were very controlling (don't i understand!), and pressured him to end the relationship. so what can possible go wrong? I'll tell you - he's married.<br />
<br />
He says he has already been planning for about 5 years how to leave her. She has lied to him and ruined them financially. I believe him.<br />
<br />
I feel like such a hypocrite. HE"S MARRIED. IVE KISSED HIM. I'm so conflicted. Not confused, conflicted. This is what I've wanted for 22 years. And yet, i don't really have him. And I'm scared to death. Scared he won't really leave her. Scared that when he does, he'll like his freedom and not follow through on marrying me. Scared I'll get so depressed that i cant function. I don't think i can live through it a second time. I know that sounds so melodramatic, but it's really how i feel.<br />
<br />
Suddenly Sundays are bad. He calls me everyday, except Sunday. And Sunday i barely hear from him. Is he just busy with church? Is his family around more? Do they have family time, and is it good? ugh. i disgust myself. And yet, I still want it.<br />
<br />
He says he needs to wait a year. I don't know if i can wait a year. On the other hand, I've waited 22 years, whats one more?<br />
<br />
Will write more later. . .<br />
<br />
Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-61770978044298409012012-11-23T09:03:00.000-06:002012-11-23T09:03:41.412-06:0010 Years LaterToday is the day after Thanksgiving. We did not celebrate Thanksgiving yesterday because i worked the night before and I came home and slept, thus the dressing did not get made. Which wouldn't have been possible because my mother didn't make the cornbread ahead of time like she said she would. But whatever. We are having Thanksgiving today, which is just as good, in my opinion. Actually, I really don't care and I'm only going to the effort for Matthew and Memo.<br />
<br />
Having said all that to say this - I just woke up from a disturbing dream. Everything was in real time, in the present. <br />
<br />
We were all at Memo's house. The Wisconsin Family was here, too. (In real life, they will be here tomorrow.) My mother was making cornbread and i was in there just generally waiting and helping. My mother had some little papers - from notepads and scraps and napkins. I was curious because she was guarding them so closely, keeping them with her as she moved around the kitchen. <br />
<br />
She had her computer set up in the corner of the kitchen, which was unusual, but you never know about her. A tall black guy came in, a dumb jock type that she must'vemet at the college. Apparently we knew him because it didn't seem all that unusual. He came and sat down on a stool in front of her computer. She handed him one of the little papers and he started typing what was written. I went over and sat beside him and he sort of tried to hide the paper and what he was typing. He was slow mentally, and he didnt hide either well. He could hardly type, and it was all he could do to keep up with where he was on the paper. I finally got a good look. It was all about me and the turmoil we went thru in 2003 when i moved out with Matthew. She was still trying to build a case against me, and she was having him type part of it as a witness statement. I looked at him and leaned in and said, "did you know this is about me?" He nodded his head. I said, "This is from 10 yrs ago. You know this isn't right, don't you?" And again, he nodded. Then he continued trying to type. <br />
<br />
I didn't know what to do. She was staying close and never moving. When he left she had the papers with her at all times again. About that time i looked out the kitchen window and i could see all four horses in the north pasture. Matthew was right, they had gotten out. I told her and she started getting kitchen stuff where she could go out and help us put them up. I went back to get Matthew out of the bathroom. I went to the front bathroom and knocked. No answer. I knocked again. I could hear someone in there, but no answer. I said something to the effect of needing Matthew cuz the horses were out. I heard a whisper. Aunt Bunny said she thought it was Susan. I knocked again, A louder whisper. Then i went to the back bathroom and Matthew was back there. I told him we had to get out and get the horses. We headed thru the house and i realized that mother had gone out just ahead and left her papers on the counter. I grabbed them and tried to take a picture. I was frantic to hurry before she remembered and came inside. I couldn't get the camera app to open. Then i was worried i wouldn't have enough space. I couldn't hold the phone still. I went into the dining room and laid the papers out, and started taking pics. Then i trashed the ones i had taken and doubled up the pics so I could be more likely to get all of them. I wanted to show in court her hand-written notes that coincided with the typed notes from the black guy and whomever else she was using. I think that's when i woke up.<br />
<br />
So what does it all mean?<br />
<br />
Obviously, there are unresolved issues between us about that time period. But that's no news flash, considering i just found where she was helping Rick against me. I think to me, it shows that it's new and fresh - almost as if it's happening currently. I'm sure that is contributing to my depression. Also, i think when the horses got out, and Matthew was right, it was a nod to the fact that i feel i have no control over my life. When whomever in the bathroom wouldn't answer me, i think that was indicative of me asking for help and support, and not getting any.<br />
<br />
That was such a hard time in my life. I don't think I will ever get over it. My mother betrayed me. She betrayed me in the worst possible way - trying to have my child taken from me. It would have killed me, literally. Matthew is the only lasting thing in my life - he keeps me grounded. He's the only successful long-term relationship I've ever had. He's my purpose for trying to do better and be better. And she tried to take that from me out of selfish spite. Frankly, it was traumatic. And the worst slap in the face? She denies her role in the whole mess. <br />
<br />
While i was proof reading and spell checking, i think i realized someing else. I said in the dream that I needed Matthew to help me with the horses (life out of control), and then later I stated how he is so important to me, for my survival. In the dream I acknowledged that by saying I needed him to help me with the horses. Even in the dream, i pointed out that they arent running, they're just grazing. So in other words, I didn't really physically need him, just emotionally. Interesting. Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-37028635893502889372012-11-22T07:39:00.001-06:002012-11-22T07:41:47.425-06:003 for 1<br />
As the title implies, this will be three posts at once. I don't like the idea of doing that, but I have a lot to get off my chest.<br />
<br />
<b>The Ring</b><br />
<br />
About two weeks ago i received a Facebook message from my buddy mr raines. He told me that Rick had a web site set up and that I was on it, and I should check it out. Of course, I did so immediately. There were several links to various legal battles, including one titled, "The Ring." That's actually kinda funny cuz that's how we refer to the case. well, now that i mention it, and with I'm about to tell, maybe that's not so funny, after all. <br />
<br />
First, he had his version of the break-up. He got major points and time lines wrong. While i wasn't happy that he posted this online, I took some comfort in the fact that the whole thing was the ranting of an obviously troubled man. However, the one thing that was really flat-out wrong was that he said i was having sex with Ron while Rick and I were engaged. Nothing could be further from the truth. I will see about taking legal action to have that removed from the Internet. So is this what I'm upset about? NO.<br />
<br />
With each court case, Rick posted photocopies of evidence he used, or tried to use. On my case, it included receipts, canceled checks, love notes (???), etc. Then the very last item posted was a letter from my mother. Oh, yes, you read that correctly. My mother!<br />
<br />
My mother had written an email to an advice/counseling site about me. apparently when Rick decided to sue me, she printed the letter out and gave it to him. The photocopy he has is from a printout from her personal email, complete with the staple showing. In other words, he didn't find this on the Internet, he had to be given a copy. I even went to the website, and you have to have an acct set up, and use the same email.<br />
<br />
I know i shouldn't have been surprised, and i guess i wasn't, but i was deeply hurt again. It was just a reminder of some of the terrible things she did during that time. And i was mad at myself, because i never take myself seriously or trust my instincts. I say that because at the time i suspected that she and rick were working together. We went to walmart once, but shopped separately. I came around the corner and she was talking with Rick. I saw them a split second before they saw me. He turned and left quickly, and she acted all indignant. She told me that he wanted her help against me, but why would he think she would help him? She was very convincing. Plus, you want to believe that your mother wouldn't try to help your ex. It's not like there were children involved, or some other moral/ethical reason. She just betrayed me cuz she could.<br />
<br />
Along the same vein, I've been cleaning out the office. I keep finding notes and paperwork related to that time in my life. The whole thing is very troubling all over again. If i had written this 2 weeks ago there would have been much more ranting and anger, but I've buried it again. its the only way i can survive having to live next to her and interact on a daily basis.<br />
<br />
I just feel so beat down by life, which leads me to my next topic.<br />
<br />
<b>The Pill</b><br />
<br />
The little green pill. My solution? I certainly hope so.<br />
<br />
Brace yourself for whining. Life sucks. My life sucks. I'm depressed, and with good reason.(here's the whining).<br />
<br />
My mother and i lived together. By now anyone should understand how distressing that is.<br />
I got my own trailer, but it wasn't in great shape. And i had to put in my grandmothers backyard - next to my mother!<br />
The trailer has something wrong with it all the time - electrical, plumbing, etc <br />
My best friend, Terry, moved 12 hrs away.<br />
I had to quit a job i really liked cuz it was now too far away and didn't pay quite as much as my PRN job.<br />
I dated an a**hole.<br />
In May, the a**hole got married, i quit the afore mentioned job, i had cosmetic surgery (for a birth defect) that didn't turn out right, I passed my certification but the new job didn't give me the raise they promised, and . . . Yeah, May sucked. <br />
The a/c kept going out in the house and i didn't have money to fix it. Memo said she would, but never did.<br />
And last, but not least, I'm reminded again of how much my mother truly dislikes me. And shouldn't your mother be the one that like you when nobody else does???<br />
<br />
So yeah, I'm depressed. It's something I've struggled with it for years. I've gotten pretty good at ignoring it and distracting myself so that i don't fall into a deep suicidal depression, but it's always there. I'm lonely, I'm tired, I want to quit life. I'm trapped. I want to escape. All i think about is escape. Riding the horse in the woods. Riding the horse at a dead gallop and never turning back. I fantasize about what I'll do and where I'll go when Matthew leaves home. And that's depressing cuz i really don't want him to leave. But I'm tired of being tied down to Monticello - and I'm only in Monticello for him. And I'm so tired of being a single parent. If it gets done, it's because i thought of it and either did it myself, or hounded him till he did it. When will he be more responsible? I feel like giving up there, too. If he doesn't want to do something, at nearly 18, why bother making him do it? I'm just so tired. All i want to do is leave. I just want to leave. I don't particularly like my job here. For a small hospital, its good. Its just a small hospital and not interesting and exciting. I've got burn out, i think. I would like a job that challenges my skills, at a place where they care about quality (but they're not stupid, either). <br />
<br />
So last week i had my annual evaluation. I got written up. Twice. My turn around time is too long. And i deserved to be written up. There are times that i know there is a test in there and i procrastinate on doing it. That's not me - i totally deserved to be written up and it was a good wake-up call. However, i think the problem is bigger than me, or burn out or boredom. I'm depressed, and have been for a long time.<br />
<br />
So, last week i went to the doctor and asked for an antidepressant. He put me on Zoloft. The only difference i can tell so far is that my sleep is very disturbed. Excellent. :-/<br />
<br />
I have my hopes that an antidepressant can help me. At the end of August i hurt my hip. The Dr put me on a Prednisone dose pack. I was like a woman possessed! I cleaned house 20 hrs a day, no kidding. It was unreal. Also, i quit obsessing about food. It was wonderful. But at the same time, I'm scared that it was a manic phase and that I'm unknowingly bi-polar. I don't know. But i have been more depressed since that time, which Ive read is a side effect of steroids. So, i don't know, but i hope the Zoloft helps. <br />
<br />
(2 days later)<br />
<br />
I'm pretty disappointed in my little green pill so far.<br />
<br />
Ive tried to stay upbeat, but I'm still depressed. I know its only been 6 days, but still, i thought i would feel better. I can certainly tell physical differences, so why cant mental outlook/differences follow suit just as quickly? <br />
<br />
Part of what's depressing is the physical side effects. At the top of the list is insomnia. Right now I'm averaging 2.5 hrs of sleep a day. I started it when i had 3 more nights off work. I've gotten less and less sleep, despite the fact that I'm staying up all night at work without even a cat nap. Like i said, i get off work, go home and lay in bed. when i finally fall asleep, it's not very restful. i wake up feeling like I've tossed and turned for hrs, and it will only be 2.5 hrs, and I'm wide awake. Its miserable.<br />
<br />
Last night i noticed that my hands were shaky and jittery. I felt like i need to yawn and stretch, but no stretch was big enough.<br />
<br />
Tonight, my heart feels funny. it could be from exhaustion, or it could be a direct side effect.<br />
<br />
Before i started the Zoloft, i was thinking about suicide - not personally considering it, just thinking in general. I never had a theory as to why somebody would do something so drastic. Rick said it was because they lost hope. i thought about it, and that seemed a reasonable explanation. But last week i realized that there was a bigger reason, one more motivating. It's an escaped. the ultimate escape. No problems with family, work, etc. no more bills, no more responsibility. No more lonely, no more fighting depression. The best escape. That makes sense. At least it does to me right now.<br />
<br />
Before anyone gets worked up, as if anybody reads this, i am NOT suicidal. I'm just saying that i can see a bigger picture.<br />
<br />
Then tonight i was thinking about how the Zoloft is supposed to be a wonder drug, and all I've gotten is to wonder what side effect will be next. I thought, "I guess I'll be depressed forever." That was depressing. That's when i realized that Rick is right, too. I thought, "no wonder people kill themselves, they cant bear the idea of living like this the rest of their lives - there's no hope."<br />
<br />
Well, geez! Now *i* wonder if I'm suicidal! I'm just kidding, and I'll prove it with the 3rd topic - men!<br />
<br />
<b>Men</b><br />
<br />
First of all, I've always liked older men.<br />
<br />
Secondly, I'm terribly lonely (read post where best friend moved). <br />
<br />
You see where I'm going with this.<br />
<br />
I'll try to start at the beginning. We (Matthew and I) started taking horseback riding lessons a couple of months ago. When i told my mother who the instructor is, she said she was in 1st grade with him Seriously. When we got out there, he was a flirt, but I didn't take it seriously, cuz he's too old, right? But the longer i was around him, the more i grew to like him. He has a funny sense of humor - smart ass, corny, sarcastic and just a touch of slapstick. He's handsome - silver hair and piercing blue eyes. He's not wrinkled a bit - i don't know how he pulled that off! And he seeps confidence. And testosterone. He's a manly man. He's short, but i never notice now because of the way he carries himself. He's smart - and not just about horses. He's a well-rounded individual. I agree with all of his political views. He has already gone out of his way to help me with the tractor - helpful and generous. And he's a great kisser.<br />
<br />
Yeah, you read that right. He kissed me last week (only 1 week ago?!?) <br />
<br />
It doesn't take a genius reading the above paragraph to realize I'm fighting off a crush - and not doing a very good job. I really like him. He's bothered by the age difference, though. He said he felt like he was kissing a kid. He didn't mean that as an insult - he has a daughter a year older and a daughter a year younger. So i put it out of mind. Then he kissed me again a few days later. Now I really like him. And I don't think it's all in my head. He usually calls at least once a day and talks for 30 min. He's been out to help with the tractor several times. Yesterday he was in town when i was talking to him on the way home. After i hung up, i sent a text asking if the feed store was open. He said yes. After i got there, i turned around and he was getting gas next to my car. We talked for a few min. I really like him.<br />
<br />
<br />
And I've wanted desperately for him to really like me. When i first met him, he was casually dating someone. She moved and it was couple weeks later that he kissed me. But i was jealous of her every time i saw her car. And I'm jealous even now that she was closer to him than i am. How silly is that?!? And I'm not even a jealous type. But i guess it makes sense - I've always said jealousy comes from insecurity. And obviously this "relationship" is tentative, at best.<br />
<br />
Here's the problem: Is it because he's the only single male i know? Is it a father issue? I've wondered before if i like older men cuz of issues with my father. (btw, my father contacted me last February I'm thinking of responding. Yes, 9 months later). At some point this past week, i realized i really want my father's acceptance and approval. Maybe I'm looking for that with these older men. Maybe i shouldn't consider an older man until after I've contacted my father?<br />
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I was telling Terry about him. She didn't flat out say that he's too old, but she feels pretty strongly about it, i can tell. I countered her points by saying that it's not like we're gonna get married and have kids. She said, "why not?" I started crying. My response was that I'm too old, and that's what i tell myself. The truth is, i want desperately to be pregnant and have a child and be happy about the whole process! But on the other hand, i do feel that i'm too old in many ways. Matthew is almost 18 and i'm dying to stretch my wings! So basically, at some level I'm settling, but how? Is it in regards to this older man? Or is in regards to the fact that I'd rather have companionship now than wait for a potential father type? I think if i were honest i would have to say that there's some of both - and more. (And i haven't even mentioned the adoption side road!)<br />
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After Rick, i said that i would not date someone significantly older than me. But this man is so athletic and youthful. That's the word Matthew used - "youthful.'<br />
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I wonder if i even want to get married. I think I do, but it scares the crap out of me. I think i want to ease into a long term comfortable realtionship. I really want companionship. I want someone to care about me. I want to be able to take care of someone and have them enjoy it. I want someone to enjoy my company. I want someone to hold me. I would like to be able to say, "I'm tired - can you take care of this for me?" And in turn, I want to spoil someone. <br />
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I think this man can do all of that. I like that he has his own life and wouldn't be smothering me. The only thing i cant reconcile is sex. I think it's wrong outside of marriage, but i want it and any man is gonna want it. Cant we just have a committed relationship without marriage? I don't even like the sound of that. If you like it, put a ring on it, right? But if we got married - he has these kids and a nice place. Would i have to sign a prenup? Would he do like Rick and leave me nothing cuz I'm not "blood?" It's a trust issue - if I get married, I want the whole package.<br />
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So many questions. <br />
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PS I have not really proofed this, cuz i'm anxious to post while it's still current. :)<br />
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<br />Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-31871758241161399382011-06-12T04:52:00.000-05:002011-06-12T04:55:15.577-05:00My Diet Story, short versionOne of my earliest memories regarding weight was when i was 11. I had injured my knee in a bicycle wreck and when i was telling my grandmother that it hurt she said it was because i was so fat and heavy, that my knees couldn't handle the strain. Later, as a grown woman, I saw a pic of myself from that time and i was skinny as a rail. I asked my grandmother why she had said that, and she said it was because she was worried I would gain weight in puberty. Her comment was to try to prevent that from happening. (we put the 'fun' in dysfunctional!)<br />I don't remember being particularly concerned about my weight until after I had my son at 22yo. Up until that point I had a general feeling that I was overweight, but that it wasn't really a problem and it wasn't worth any extra effort. I was about 155 lbs and a sz 10-12 in college, 175 lbs when i had my son.<br />After I had my son, i made many half-hearted attempts at dieting. My first really serious effort came in 2008, with my enrollment in Jenny Craig. That diet was working, though i see now it wouldn't have lasted long-term because of my mindset and lack of knowledge. That diet was cut short with an emergency hospital stay and diagnosis of Crohn's Disease. I feel the quantity of preservatives in the shelf-stable foods (I took the cheaper route on the Jenny Craig meals) led to the flare that hospitalized me. Needless to say, I did not resume the program when i got home. I promptly gained back the 20+ lbs I had lost.<br />By 2010 I was weighing around 200 lbs, I had resigned myself to being fat. I made fat jokes about myself, which further degraded my self esteem, not to mention it made people uncomfortable. <br />My best friend had been dieting in 2010, and perhaps that got me thinking about it. When she moved I was bored and depressed. Maybe for a distraction, or maybe because I was 'on my own' now, but i started seriously considering dieting. I decided I would start the day after my birthday - my own personal 'New Year'. I read all I could in the 3 weeks of waiting. Coincidentally, i got a new phone and discovered apps, and then Fat Secret.<br />I also decided that since i had always told myself that i shouldn't eat whatever, that while waiting for the start i would all I wanted of anything. The good side of that was that I realized that food didn't make me happy. In fact, I was disgusted with myself. The bad side of the plan was that I gained up to 207, so I had extra to lose. Oh, well!<br />So, on August 13th (a Friday!), i started my diet. I have counted calories, and unlike with Jenny Craig, I have exercised. My plan was to eat anything i wanted, but in moderation. I learned quickly that some foods aren't worth having because of the deprivation i will face later in the day. Along the same lines, some foods aren't worth the miles I would have to walk to burn the calories.<br />This has been very rewarding, but ironically i worry all the time that I will gain the weight back. I still think of myself as fat (my mom calls this ghost fat), and I wonder how long that will last.<br />Since I've almost reached my goal, mt next effort is to figure out how to increase my muscle mass and be really fit, not just smaller.Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-66462229152087957202011-05-02T01:27:00.008-05:002011-05-02T04:45:02.672-05:00. . . I Don't Know If I Can Do RightTracy Chapman's song reverberates in my mind. . .<br /><br />At this point in my life<br />I’ve done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right<br />If you put your trust in me I hope I won’t let you down<br />If you give me a chance I’ll try<br />You see it’s been a hard road the road I’m traveling on<br />And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin<br />I’ve had a hard life I’m just saying it so you’ll understand<br />That right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can<br /><br />At this point in my life<br />Although I’ve mostly walked in the shadows<br />I’m still searching for the light<br />Won’t you put your faith in me<br />We both know that’s what matters<br />If you give me a chance I’ll try<br />You see I’ve been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down<br />I’ve been reaching high but always losing ground<br />You see I’ve conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb<br />And right now right now I’m doing the best I can<br />At this point in my life<br /><br />Before we take a step<br />Before we walk down that path<br />Before I make any promises<br />Before you have regrets<br />Before we talk commitment<br />Let me tell you of my past<br />All I’ve seen and all I’ve done<br />The things I’d like to forget<br /><br />At this point in my life<br />I’d like to live as if only love mattered<br />As if redemption was in sight<br />As if the search to live honestly<br />Is all that anyone needs<br />No matter if you find it<br /><br />You see when I’ve touched the sky<br />The earth’s gravity has pulled me down<br />But now I’ve reconciled that in this world<br />Birds and angels get the wings to fly<br />If you can believe in this heart of mine<br />If you can give it a try<br />Then I’ll reach inside and find and give you<br />All the sweetness that I have<br />At this point in my life<br />At this point in my life<br /><br /><br />I just feel so sad. I don't know why, really. I know that I'm blessed, I don't deny that. It's just a pervasive sadness that's always in the background of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's worse because I'm exhausted.<br /><br />Last weekend co-workers Michael and Leigh were talking about their respective proposals and marriages. So, they were talking and reliving and comparing. Michael is even going to repropose because he doesn't think his wife had a good-enough proposal experience the first time.<br /><br />I always eagerly listen to these stories from people, per chance to find the magic formula that worked for them, and perhaps may work for me? I want details of how they met, how long they dated, when they knew this person was "The One" and how the details of the proposal went. I guess you could say that for that moment i live vicariously through them.<br /><br />Then the conversation is over and they walk away, and I'm right back in my lonely confused world. I was so sad. I ~am~ so sad. I'm sad every time (why do continue to torture myself?), but i was overwhelmingly sad last week. I had to get busy and distract myself, and yet, it was there - sadness. I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry. But why? To wallow in pity? To question God? To blame my mother? To hate myself? What's the point?<br /><br />I want to be child-like and beg God day and night for a wonderful husband and companion. And i want to point out that's it's not entirely selfish. I want to be a good wife to someone, no matter how hard it may be. But what if it's not God's plan for me? What if i beg and whine so he gives it to me? Will I be happy then?<br /><br />Or what if it ~is~ God's plan but I'm such a distrusting screw-up that I've passed him by? Do you get a second (or 22nd) chance?<br /><br />I really try not to think about it. Ever. And when I do, I'm trying to have an attitude of trust and faith. But does that mean I do nothing to pursue? I don't think so, but how far is too far for me to try to make it happen? Do I join an Internet dating site? If so, do I just have an ad, but never contact anyone, instead waiting for God to direct them to me? Or can I contact people? I don't have a great track record, so maybe I should just wait. On the other hand, I don't attract the best sort. . . All so confusing.<br /><br />I have no answers. And I don't think anyone does. And about that time that have my emotions tidied up something hits me out of the clear blue. Like Karen talking about a funeral, and who she knows that knows this person. And how the girl got pregnant. Then that reminds me of something related to my experience. And then i think about how i should have married Daniel. HE obviously has the ability to stay married, seemingly happy. I obviously have problems. And if i had married him, Matthew would have his daddy.<br /><br />And there it is - my overwhelming sadness.<br /><br />And I wouldn't have all these issues with my family in my face, b/c married people have someone in their corner. They get more respect, on an individual basis, and from society as a whole.<br /><br />Michael posted a quote for his wife on FB -<br /><br />The fundamental guarantee of marriage is the feeling that you are worthwhile, that you cannot be replaced, that your partner needs you, that you are acting well, you are a fellow human being and a true friend. But comrades must be equal, for when people are equal they will always find a way to settle their difficulties. - Alfred Adler.<br /><br />That's what's missing. I have nobody to take up for me, nobody that finds me irreplaceable. I don't feel that basic human validation of marriage that says I'm worth committing to and sacrificing for, that I'm worthwhile.<br /><br />I hate that I need it so desperately.<br /><br />Desperately.Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-38139086473844182102011-01-19T22:50:00.002-06:002011-01-19T22:57:04.261-06:00But Wait, There's More!As if my life weren't emotional and dramatic enough already. . .<br /><br />Tonight I finally told my son that his father and I were never married.Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-40516566841521047832011-01-19T15:53:00.002-06:002011-01-19T15:59:33.269-06:00speechless. . .I've cried and laughed and cried some more for 2 days. I may cry now.<br /><br /> Today is Wednesday. I found out Monday that my father loved me after all.<br /><br /> *crying*Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-48916499267090396372010-09-24T12:54:00.002-05:002010-09-25T17:30:20.092-05:00Diet, Week 6, No Loss, No GainBut here's my rant:<br /><br />OK. . . it SO annoys me when smokers tell me that i have it easy cuz i can cheat on my diet (effort) but they have to completely quit. REALLY?!? Consider this: Instead of quitting cold turkey you have to cut back drastically. You are required to smoke 3 times a day BUT you can only smoke 1/4 to 1/2 of a cigarette, you have to stop no matter how good it is to you. AND you must do this with all your friends and family while they chain smoke and blow it in your face. To further complicate matters, you can't just smoke any old cig, you have to smoke a little from a wide variety of brands and strengths and you must become an expert on all the different names for ingredients. Of course, this makes shopping take longer. And your friends and family are likely to be annoyed at some point because you delay the group smoke while you try to figure out what you can or can't have. What? You say that smoking is harder cuz it's an addiction? Welcome to my world, where food is an addiction, also. Except that I've been doing it my entire life to survive and you chose to smoke beginning at whatever age. So, please don't tell me how easy it should be for me to lose weight, cuz i"ll have to tell you how i wouldn't get hooked on smokes or have a problem quitting. Any questions?Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-83929094577257755352010-07-25T14:19:00.003-05:002010-07-25T15:11:20.712-05:00Too little, too lateI should have written weeks ago. Somehow, even though this is a private diary, it's kinda de-motivating that nobody reads it. Ever.<br /><br />Anyway, Terry had moved. She left town on Friday, July 23rd, 2010, in spite of my half-kidding requests to please stay. In spite of my denial. In spite of the fact that i had not written the letters to her that desperately needed to be put on paper. She left anyway. Everything was put in motion and couldn't be stopped, no matter what.<br /><br />And now she's 800 miles away. And i'm afraid. I have a huge selfish fear that i will never see her, that our relationship will suffer and wither because of the miles. That not only will it not be the same, but it won't be as good.<br /><br />Here's the deal. I know that she is married. I know her husband got a job last August that is 800 miles away. I know it's really best for her and the kids to be with their husband/father. And I know that in the big picture that best friends don't really count when it comes to life decisions. But it sucks and it doesn't keep me from being alone, afraid, sad, etc<br /><br />*sobbing*<br /><br />And she thinks that she has done nothing for me, that she's the only one that had benefited from this friendship?!?<br /><br />*sobbing*<br /><br />I miss her so much! I know this whole thing sounds corny, but it's how i feel. She taught, is teaching, me how to love through the good and bad. She has been my most successful relationship that was non-family. Actually, except for my son, she has been my most successful relationship, period. It's been 8 yrs. We've seen the good, the bad and the ugly. I almost destroyed our friendship because of my inability to deal with any turmoil in a relationship. She once told me that our friendship would be like a marriage, that we would be together through thick and thin. And SHE is the one that made that happen. She has been the only person that has loved me and been loyal to me, even thought she didn't have to. Even when i pushed her away. Even when her husband resented the time she gave me. I didn't realize that it was at those times that she chipped away and worked herself into my heart. And i feel so undeserving and that i gave her so little in return.<br /><br />She has been confidant, supporter, loving critic, cheerleader, voice of reason, stability, other mother to my son, mother to my sons best friend, stability to my son (and my son), acceptance, provider of nieces and nephews, LAA (love, acceptance and approval), non-judgemental listener, great christian example, light to me in my darkness, honest opinion, generosity personified, role model, etc, etc. And i'm not over-exaggerating - i can give examples. She has showed me what is good and how to be daughter, mother, friend, wife, citizen. I wish i could have toldher in person, but i didn't have the fortitude.<br /><br />I love you, Terry.Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-13379788744659774442010-07-04T06:42:00.003-05:002010-07-04T07:07:33.564-05:00ShakenOK, it's another dream. But i believe this one is a warning or prophetic - about the end times.<br /><br />I dreamt that i was in Washington, DC. At first i thought i was on a trip, but later in the dream it seemed i lived or worked there. I actually don't think that was important, except it gave me some background to reason out things later. Just for the sake of details, I'll add that we were on the Washington mall and battling a lot of traffic. i was with friends, but not sure who. I figured out a way to ride a walker or something, because there was some mass confusion and we had been put at out at the wrong stop and had to walk. <br /><br />At some point i was with the president, working in some capacity. Things were going wrong, like they were trying to overthrow him or there was chaos. But not obviously, or not enough to cause panic yet, like they were still trying to have a logical explanation. I can't remember.<br /><br />I went to my apartment and i had a couple of the dogs, i think the schipperkes and a large white poodle - Macon, maybe. I had this feeling that i had to get home (this must have been a place to stay while at work). I felt i had to bring the dogs home, which i would not have normally done. The Poodle was acting strange and so i went for food and i was almost out. The dog was frantic for every morsel of food. I got the dog food sack and there was hardly any in it. I remember it was the right brand, but i was a lavender bag - Lamb and Rice. I thought, "that's odd, i never buy Lamb and Rice."<br /><br />I started getting a panic and looked at the time on 'my' iPhone. It had been 45 minutes since the chaos started. I guess i still had not been sure until then. At that time my mom called and i said, "it's the end - it's started." She said that she had thought so and that's why she was calling. <br /><br />It seems like i got home and we were trying to figure out what to do about the dogs, as far as feeding them or turning them loose. We were def thinking in terms of survival off grid.<br /><br />OK, that's it. I know it doesn't sound like much, but i woke up in an absolute panic. I was thinking in terms of food and water for us and what to do about the animals. That i should sell the dogs and train the horses. I need ro have a plan for what to do if things break loose while i'm at work. I need to keep plenty of gas in my car at all times, when away from home, esp.<br /><br />The panic went away while i checked facebook, but now it's back, just as strong. I really feel that this is a warning to get everything prepared. And it scares me. But it does occur to me that if God would give me a warning, then he will surely take care of me.Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-11716899335784207222010-05-18T10:09:00.002-05:002010-05-18T10:42:18.953-05:00God is so good!Well, I haven't posted din a while. I have had personal situations with my mom that have been emotionally traumatic. I'm not one to be dramatic like that, but there really is no other word. <br /><br />The evolution of the past 6 months is amazing. I came to realize that my mother had betrayed me (again) but this time there was no extenuating circumstance that I could make somehow justify it in a backwards way. She was just outright conniving and cut-throat. It is very difficult to realize this about a loved one, but esp your mother. It's like the most basic instinct is to want your mother and to feel that no matter what may happen, your mother will always love you. In my case, i think it was magnified by the fact that i have sacrificed so much financially and emotionally to be there for her, even after the first time she betrayed me.<br /><br />I also came to realize that i have to forgive her or the anger will eat away at me. However, i don't have to be foolish and naive and let her have an opportunity to trample me again. So now, i can be civil most of the time and temporarily forget what all she has done. Big improvement!<br /><br />I've been quite lonely lately. I've managed to avoid a depression through sheer determination and distracting myself with other thoughts. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Facebook</span> doesn't help. I have a lot of friends (a lot for me - 160) but it seems so shallow. I was, once again, looking up old flames. I found one - actually ran into him Taco Bell a few months back but didn't answer his phone call. I'm not sure why, but i think i was embarrassed. We didn't really date, but spent a lot of time together and on the phone. There was point where we had one physical encounter and then we basically never spoke again. Now, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">i've</span> found him on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">facebook</span> but i want to scream - "I'm not who i was!!!" The really good thing is it looks like he has found a meaningful relationship with God, as well. But that makes him seem even more attractive. And then I'm even more embarrassed. <br /><br />And this feeling is not just with him. Sometimes when i post a scripture, i wonder if all my college friends snicker and remember some of my behaviour. I have to keep in mind this is Satan try to steal, kill, and destroy what Gos is working in my life.<br /><br />Anyway, back to the point of this post. My Bible reading this morning was Lamentations 3. I found it generally depressing and so i was skimming the chapter. Then i felt bad about that, because every word in the Bible is important. So i started paying more attention. And this is what i found:<br /><br />Lamentations 3:19-21<br /><br />'I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore i have a hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">compassions</span> never fail.'<br /><br />How awesome is that?!? That is me exactly - i remember and my souls is downcast. But it doesn't have to be that way! I read Psalms 103 not to long ago and had written down verse 4but i like it with verse 2 even better:<br /><br />'Praise the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">benefits</span>. . .who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.'<br /><br />I just wanted to touch base and share, so that i would not forget. I hope this can help some one else, as well.<br /><br />Blessing to all.<br /><br />PS A quote from St Augustine: There is no saint without a past, and no sinner without a future.Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-69096031437359864592009-12-19T09:15:00.002-06:002009-12-19T09:38:51.831-06:00(Not So) Merry Christmas!I know Christians are supposed to be super happy around this time of year. And I really am so thankful that God sent his sent his on to me, for me. Just sometimes life gets so in the way, I'm just so sad. All I really want is love, is that so much to ask? It seems apparent that it is. And i know God loves me and this is not what He wants for my life - too feel this way. But my human nature wants a human to love me. I'm not even asking for unconditional, just really love me and take into acct my humanity. That i'm not perfect, but i will try my best to be. But it's just so hard when you feel like all that you've done for 37 yrs is try to be a good daughter and granddaughter, and it's rewarded by being alone and treated like the stepchild. When your own mother knocks you down and keeps you down, what can you expect from anyone else? My son is the truest love i've ever known. Of course, i can't burden him with my unhappiness. And he will be grown in a few years and leave, which is what he's supposed to do. But then i'll be really alone. I feel like i'm pushing him out the door, but it breaks my heart to do it. i just don't know how long i can keep going like this, physically and emotionally. Yesterday, i just wanted to let myself breakdown. i even thought it would be kinda nice to be checked in somewhere and not have to worry about life anymore. But that would be abandoning my son the same way my mother has done me. I'm determined that he always know how much i love him and that his mom is always there for him. it would help if i had someone to talk to. I tried to talk to Terry, but she didn't say anything and she's busy. I apologized for whining, and she said ok, so i guess to her i'm just whining. I called Richard and he's too busy to talk right now and he never called me back, so there you go. I called Tammy and her son was up and busy so she could only half listen, and when i apologized for complaining and taking her time she said, ok. I just want someone to say, "i would be upset, too." Everyone's too busy with the Christmas spirit to worry about someone that's upset. I kept thinking about the hank williams song, but i had the words wrong, but it described my feelings - "I'm so lonesome i I could die." I feel like i'm dying of loneliness. Is there anyone out there that can care for me?Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-84689570956724427722009-08-18T14:53:00.004-05:002009-08-18T15:03:34.258-05:00More Dreams, Anyone?I tried to post this from e-mail on Aug 10th since i can't access the blog from one of my jobs. It didn't work.<br /><br />okay, I've been having weird dreams - with a capital CRAZY! All last week i was worn out because i was dreaming weird stuff and it was waking me up in the middle of the night. I can't really remember those, except one was about Richard, one was about Terry (i woke myself up laughing), and another i was talking in my sleep about tamales (have i mentioned i love Mexican food?!?).<br /><br />Well tonight i was taking a nap before work and was awakened by my co-worker calling because i had set the alarm for am, not pm (oops!). This is the dream i was having: I had to go out to the country where we used to live (in dreamland, not real life). Problem was, the car (or van?) wouldn't go forward, only backwards, and i felt pressured by traffic. So i did what any one would do - i drove in reverse! i was quickly in the country and up to 55 or 60 mph, and then there was construction, so the the road made a slight detour off pavement onto clay. I kept going at the same rate of speed - still in reverse. At some point it became dark. I can't explain the headlights, but i could see. I guess my son was with me, cuz when we got there he went in with me to check his stuff. He came back upset cuz one of his Thomas characters was missing. i explained i had taken it home, so it was OK (why i took one of 50-ish, i don't know. and why he cared at 14yo, who knows?). Then my son got a call from an ICU nurse (Robbie) friend of mine and she was sorry he couldn't go to the zoo with the group, but she was determined to describe the big cat exhibit in detail. (???) Then i was outside calling my mom and trying to tell her where we were so she could come pick us up (like she wouldn't know where we used to live). i was looking at mail box numbers and i couldn't see ours or remember it but the neighbors were 636 (?) and then i saw ours was something like 4643 (a big jump in numbers!). Then she was there and we got in her van which was a big work type of van and i was sitting on the floor in the back thinking about how the thin rubber mat didn't cushion as well as the mat in my vehicle. I was looking out the left side wondering why they designed it with the transmission in the middle on the side, requiring a big bulge out of the body of the van. Then my phone rang. Pretty much, the most significant part to me was the driving backwards at a high rate of speed. Do i feel like I'm regressing in life? Well, with my depression lately, i certainly feel like a bit of a failure. It's prob also significant that i was going back to a place we used to live. In real life, i do miss my old town that we moved from last year.<br /><br />Thoughts, anyone? Hellooooooo?!?Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-56484604662221763892009-08-18T09:54:00.002-05:002009-08-18T09:57:29.435-05:00Strange, really. . .Isn't it odd how one's sense of worth can almost be tied with the quantity (or lack, thereof) of comments. Why is that validation so sought after?<br /><br />I wanted an anonymous blog - i got one!<br /><br />;-)Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-20853326920491032452009-08-14T03:10:00.001-05:002009-08-14T03:12:10.721-05:00You Might be a Redneck . .If you know how to run a bush hog, and you mow your front yard with one. ;-)Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-32010994197384798252009-08-09T16:05:00.009-05:002009-08-13T05:01:28.958-05:00Poor Pitifull Me turned into Shame On MeThis is a very different post than it would have been a few hours ago. Yeah, really, a few hours.<br /><br />Here's the deal, pickle (get it . . .it sounds like dill pickle . . .) Sorry. Really.<br /><br />Anyway, let me just say that i have issues with depression. I have fought it for years. I'll be okay and then have a bad bout. At this point in my life, though, i strongly believe that a person's mind has a lot of power. I can usually tell when I'm heading that direction and i will stop doing the activity that is triggering it, or i will distract myself with something. If I'm on a crying jag, i might give myself 15 minutes for a pity party (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">btw</span>, I used to actually set a timer and would not allow to cry after it went off). In a few minutes, hours or (rarely) days, I'll be okay. The point is that if i can head it off, i can prevent myself from going into a bout of deep depression. If i don't pull myself out, i can become suicidal for no apparent reason. I've never tried anything, i always realize it is not a good solution to anything and it is terribly unfair to the people left behind. It does scare me, though, and i really try to prevent going in that direction.<br /><br />I used to become so debilitated - I would lay in the bed for days, cry, stress eat, escape with reading, shopping or driving back roads, etc. I was in counseling for a while, and decided to see the staff psychiatrist to get an antidepressant for my depression which was believed to be clinical (read into that 'situational' - in other words, a lot of stuff was happening in my life and i had good reason to be depressed.) When i went to the psychiatrist i wasn't in a severe depression at the time, but just my average low. We just all thought it would be good to change the chemistry and get me up out of depression to help me function better and stay up on my own (often your body gets used to the chemical changes that take place in depression and make that your new normal, thereby staying depressed). So i tried an antidepressant - the same my mother had used and done well with. Well, i did NOT do well, to say the least. It threw me into a deep bout of severe depression in which i felt like life was totally hopeless and i was, frankly, suicidal. The saving grace was that i realized the only thing that had changed was the medication. I stopped immediately and went back to normal depression. I have since been too scared to try another medication.<br /><br />Having said all that to say this. . . I've been heading off a bout of depression lately. However, i was only half trying. I continued in the activity that was depressing me because of a morbid curiosity. And it was a new method for an old depression. I'm new on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">facebook</span> and i had depleted all my old friends and i started looking up old boyfriends. As a i found how many had stayed with the loser girl and and now look all-American with the wife and kids, i became more depressed. And here i am, a single mom, turning 37, no prospects of any good relationship, etc. I thought i was doing OK on looking but not getting depressed. But the final blow was Friday at work.<br /><br />This was going to be my full time job, but at the last minute i decided to stay with my old job 130 miles away (i only drive there once a week) This new one is my fill in job, and I'm the new girl who kept the job in the 'big city' (read: they think i must feel too good to work in the new little town). My boss has repeatedly told me that the complaints i have gotten have been because I'm new and the people are nasty tempered and they'll be better when they get someone else new to pick on. He's has told me to just wait it out.<br /><br />Well, Friday he called me into the office and told me that one of the problem people (nurse) had gotten her boss (main ER doctor) stirred up about me and he went to administration. Long story short, they put me on 6 months probation to appease the doctor. If i make one mistake or have one complaint, it's automatic termination. (and no, it doesn't matter if there are analyzer problems, power outage, alien landing, etc. There is actually a rule in place to help prevent these problems because everyone makes the mistake that i made) Here's the part that makes me feel hopeless. These complaints only happen when i work alone (no witnesses from my own department to take up for me). The shift i usually work leaves me alone for the last hour and a half of my shift. BUT, the next <em>four</em> shifts <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">I'm</span> scheduled to work are nights for 12 hrs each. Basically, I'm doomed. I asked my boss to reschedule and not let me work alone until this all blows over, but he said if i can't work when he needs me then I'm of no use. At the same time, he says he really doesn't want to lose me because I'm a good worker. He also said if he has to choose me or him, he's keeping his job. duh. His best suggestion is to work and don't make a mistake. For six months. Needless to say, i feel quite helpless concerning this job.<br /><br />And <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">I'd</span> like to point out that i have worked my other job for 4 years without being reprimanded once. In fact, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">I've</span> gotten three awards for outstanding <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">performance</span>.<br /><br />Well, the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">friday</span> work incident was the straw that broke the depressed camel's back. The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">facebook</span>, my mother being esp obnoxious for several weeks, and now the job - i took a dive head first into depression. Mainly about how much of a loser i am. I cried Friday when i left work and could not stop - literally. Every time my mind wandered, i teared up. My eyes were swollen half shut by Friday night. It was not pretty. I hate to tell what pulled me out, but here goes. My mom started picking on my son and pulling the crap she did to me (guilt trips, crying, hatefulness, etc) it made me so mad i at her i couldn't feel sorry for myself, i felt protective of my son. I also had a co-worker who really stepped up as a friend.<br /><br />Now i was out of the serious depression but still felt like i needed to sort stuff out. I was gonna blog about everything, but i was embarrassed about my pity party, and i really hated to write about depression after being so up about spiritual stuff. (When will we learn that Christians are people, too? We have to battle human trials like everyone else, we just have a Hope - which leads me to the next part.)<br /><br />We were supposed to go to Wisconsin this weekend for my cousin's wedding. We've been planning for months, but i suddenly had to back out because of my mother's antics. I just could not see my son and i traveling by car for 900+ miles with her. so we cancelled (due to money (wink, wink). Then i started trying to get back some of my shifts at my full time job. I got back the 3 night shifts, but did not pursue the day shifts. i thought it would be a mini vacation (and it has been wonderful!).<br /><br />I decided while i was off work for a rare Sunday, i should go to church (we've got the right flavor across the street from the hospital). I got off from the night shift and went to bed. I had THE hardest time <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">getting</span> up. I started to stay in bed, but decided i really needed to go, esp with my recent depression. I am so glad i did.<br /><br />Here's what i got from church. . .<br /><br />I'm going <em>through</em> it, not <em>to</em> it. ( i know, cheesy, but it's easy to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">remember</span>)<br />This situation, even my life, is not a snap shot of what's happening right now, but one frame in a long video.<br />And there was a third thing, but i keep saving this forever long post and coming back . . .<br /><br />Anyway, between an unexpected friend being there for me, and esp church, i feel much better.<br /><br />And i would like to add, I am <em><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Soooo</span></em> thankful i didn't quit my other job for this one! Whew!<br /><br />That's all. Thank you, see ya later.Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-78912472608627645862009-07-14T20:10:00.005-05:002009-07-14T20:45:58.857-05:00The 'Not So Spiritual, In Fact, Quite Shallow' PostOK, Here's life. I work 40 hrs on the weekend. This is so that i can be home with my son the rest of the week. We've tried other things, but short of being independently wealthy, this seems to work the best. But I'll tell you, at some point my personal hygiene usually suffers. I'm not proud of that, I'm just telling ya. . . (which is an unexpected advantage to an anonymous blog).<br /><br />So this past Sunday was the day my hair was desperate (with a capital "ugh") to be washed. I was sooooo tired, but i was hungry, too. Someone had mentioned fish and I've been meaning to go to Captain D's. I've been meaning to go on account of the fact that i heard that they are one of the big chains likely to go under and i didn't want to spend the rest of my life wishing i could eat there one last time. (yes, I'm fat) And if my $4 for a meal (wow, great deal) could help them stay open, even better. But i think they need more than that.<br /><br />Anyway, I decided that i would go there first before i went back to my room to shower in case it was greasy in there. You know, sometimes fast food chains are really greasy and your hair smells like the place until you wash it again, and that really annoys me. So, i go in (i was the only person there at the time) and order. The cook gives me a little smile and nod. I was NOT in the mood to have some random guy flirt with me, so i ignored him. Let's review my 'condition' at the time. My hair was three days oily, i had on clown scrubs that are two sizes to big, i have the huge tick bit on my neck (OMG, did i mention that the test came back as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever!), I've worked my second 16 hr shift in two days AND i have cramps - so <em>DO YOU MIND? </em>Then I get my food and he's hanging around my table and talking to me, and hanging close by talking to the other employee, etc. I'm starting to feel a little guilty because i have not been friendly (it's a southern thing) and so I'm trying to be polite, but not leading. By polite, i mean answering his questions instead of just yes/no grunts. Of course, being single i start grading everything in terms of a potential mate. I have gleaned from his conversation that his mother is 75yo (so he must be around 35 to 40) +, he has started going to church +, he had a ticket -, he didn't pay it -, his license was suspended when he got said ticket--, and his ex girlfriend has a LOT of tattoos - . So the total -'s clearly outway the +'s. Now I'm finished eating, so he makes sure he's the one there when i get my refill to go and hands me his phone number. Aaagh!<br /><br />So many things are going through my mind, in no particular order of importance. If he is attracted to someone that looks like this and is just under hostile to him, AND he manages to pass off his phone number, then he will go after anything! Wonder what he got his license suspended for, and what was the ticket for? Why is the paper with his number dirty? Why did he write his first name, middle initial, and last name on the paper? Why is his number written with such large numbers and so oddly spaced?<br /><br />But here's the part I'm ashamed of - really. I never realized i was such a snob. I actually wonder why he is 35-40 yo and working as a cook at Captain D's. I will be the first to tell you that all work is honorable, and you gotta do what you gotta do. But i can't help but wonder.<br /><br />I pray for God to send me someone, and this is the only bite I've gotten in however long? Unless you count the married guy. . . But the bad part is, maybe he's nice (Captain D guy, not married guy), but i just don't want to call him.<br /><br />And I'm afraid it's because I'm a shallow snob.Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-76583433654547221762009-07-07T08:18:00.019-05:002009-07-08T07:55:25.444-05:00Here's Some 'Church' for Ya. . .First, I'm sorry I haven't posted. That's not so much an apology, as the fact that I'm actually regretful that i haven't posted. It's like when i was in college and i would put off writing a paper until the last minute because of the dread of writing and because I'm a perfectionist. I don't want this blog to be about the dread of writing, I've just been so busy and it can be a big deal to sit down and write (perfectionism). But i have made some notes to myself and created 'drafts' so i wouldn't forget. That's a bright spot, right?<br /><br />Anyway, I have some spiritual things to share. Three to be exact. But it could turn into more. There are no guarantees. . . And let me just say, I'm an ordinary person. I'm NOT Ms Spirituality. In fact, if any of my co-workers read this post, they would prob be shocked. But I will say this: God has been dealing with me a lot, esp in the last six months. And i think a lot of it is due to my son. He has always been a very spiritually minded person, even as a little kid before we went to church or took him. He reads his Bible twice a day (am and pm) and prays and really means it. I have a feeling he's been praying for his momu (sounds like mama). It's not that i haven't believed, it's that I've been complacent. And if you're not going forward, you're go backward. Anyway. . . .<br /><br />First i would like to say that God is an awesome God. Can you believe that with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that we no longer have to go through a priest to talk and commune with God?!? When Christ died and the curtain in the temple was ripped from top to bottom, God Himself made a way for us to come directly into His presence. That is amazing that God wants a relationship with an ordinary sinful person like me and He has invited me into His presence! WOW!<br /><br />This really hit home when we went to Eureka Springs, AR, to the Passion Play. It wasn't actually the Passion Play that made the impression but the 'Tour Through the Holy Land', which we were late for - more on that in a minute. We had a very limited amount of time for the tour and we were told that the temple was a 'must see'. So we got there and they had an actual temple built to the best possible scale and replication and a person in period clothing acting as a rabbi, i think. Anyway, he took us to the alter and explained about the sacrifices that were brought and how they had to meet such rigorous standards and all the cleansing processes. And to see it in person and imagine the fire coming down and consuming that sacrifice - really amazing.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW3cm8kknvJKHUuFl8GLzH_gE7R77zyVDgsrxR-fzELE7rMdZ4O_x40XvXb9P9ce19wjhvu6SuNfiDNmMnfZLOVKyLjTqeAuMrhTAWAlpu7g42xaTXZ0Sq7ZVaGi2dWNYG6e8ERyDpBCpR/s1600-h/DSC03421.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5355718308968608770" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW3cm8kknvJKHUuFl8GLzH_gE7R77zyVDgsrxR-fzELE7rMdZ4O_x40XvXb9P9ce19wjhvu6SuNfiDNmMnfZLOVKyLjTqeAuMrhTAWAlpu7g42xaTXZ0Sq7ZVaGi2dWNYG6e8ERyDpBCpR/s320/DSC03421.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br />But the most amazing part was seeing the holy of holies. They had a room prepared with a Plexiglas wall so we could see in. And the man talked about the ritual washings and prayers that the priest would have to go through before he could go into the presence of God. And if he was not thorough or honest or truly repentant he would die - have to be drug out by a rope around his ankle (i guarantee you the next guy was careful!). And when Christ died for our sins he became that pure and blameless sacrifice that could cleanse us, and the curtain was torn so that we could go freely into the presence of God.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEAxCBpjEkFjCoshu7fOff7iz69mj0FoDLLMcmN_-I4tuqO50yHpKV6ddy2x_KY9G-x-BlQKoiyy2VLSEnBRpWveDikY7guCodad8ddYC9daLx27FhvAV0p-cnDUwTX1VKoXohY3kV2Z0Z/s1600-h/DSC03419.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5355719502299185938" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEAxCBpjEkFjCoshu7fOff7iz69mj0FoDLLMcmN_-I4tuqO50yHpKV6ddy2x_KY9G-x-BlQKoiyy2VLSEnBRpWveDikY7guCodad8ddYC9daLx27FhvAV0p-cnDUwTX1VKoXohY3kV2Z0Z/s320/DSC03419.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxfQ_UTaXlK7N99udQkoFwTHTeGxBo44qdqqDWo5ePaMEdTKVCSSX5JZdlmkpPmDy1GSSu1DzT5_bdsYZafh9Zbuzk4BGRqlvSoIVr9-wfQR1w39T9ZqjEg5a4STa_0l67p_80oX1V3z1a/s1600-h/DSC03420-1_edited-1.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356071675410919618" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 298px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxfQ_UTaXlK7N99udQkoFwTHTeGxBo44qdqqDWo5ePaMEdTKVCSSX5JZdlmkpPmDy1GSSu1DzT5_bdsYZafh9Zbuzk4BGRqlvSoIVr9-wfQR1w39T9ZqjEg5a4STa_0l67p_80oX1V3z1a/s320/DSC03420-1_edited-1.JPG" border="0" /></a><br />And yes, i cried right there in the middle of that crowd of people because I'm so unworthy, but he knew that and did it anyway. . .<br /><br />OK, that wasn't one of things i wanted to share, but there's your bonus. And if you get a chance, you should really listen to the words of the song "Redeemer" by Nicole C. Mullin. I was listening to that on the drive home last night and crying.<br /><br />I am a bit weepy lately, but it is still amazing. . .<br /><br />And related to all that is one of the things i wanted to share. A woman i work with is really sweet and good hearted, but not a christian. However, she has always sent her youngest child to a religious daycare (catholic or episcopal). She has been disillusioned with people who profess Christianity and live like the devil - can't blame her. But a while back, maybe 6 months, she was going through a lot with her teenage daughter and she said, 'Pray. Please pray for me." I thought, that is my chance - she has a hunger or desire somewhere in there or she wouldn't have asked. Almost daily I have prayed for her to be drawn to God and for Him to show me how i can be used. Well, a few weeks ago we were talking about our kids and their 'inborn' spirituality (unfortunately, not the teenage daughter) She told me that her son had brought a book home from preschool that was an intro to the Bible, but she said about the time she was really hooked into it, the passage would be over. Well, it so happens (insert that God had already prepared the situation) that i had purchased a Bible on sale, but had decided that i didn't <em>really</em> need it and i should return it. I had even tried once, but it was too soon after the check had been written, so i had taken it back home and kept forgetting to bring it to town. When she said she had been interested in learning more, i immediately thought of the Bible. The cool thing is, it is a Quest NIV for people that want answers to everyday questions about the Bible! As you read, there are questions in the margin about the passage you are reading and the scholars opinion and where to look for supporting verses. So I cautiously told her i had a Bible that i had gotten on sale dirt cheap but planned to return and would she be okay with me offering it to her. She said that was fine, she would like it. And she wanted moisturizer from me, too. (ha ha) Long story short, i had her name engraved on the Bible (so she couldn't give it away easily) and I gave it to her yesterday. She said how beautiful it was, and then she opened the box and talked about how it had her name on it and she had never had a Bible engraved with her name! and look at the gold pages! and the leather smells so good! and it's so beautiful. . . now she wants to go to church! WOW! I'm so excited for her and I'm so humbled that God used me to bring her closer to Him. I know he used a donkey, but that donkey hadn't sinned and lived a human life that is not always (rarely?) a good example of Christianity.<br /><br />The next thing i wanted to share was that i have a friend from college that is in a constant state of depression. I think it is primarily a habit and to a certain extent how she was raised. The frustrating part is how she is constantly saying how nobody cares about her, then you have to reaffirm your feelings of care and friendship. It is very draining, to say the least. I was particularly at a limit with her the other day, and i called to vent to my friend Anna, that doesn't know this girl. Anna called me back the next day and said she had awakened thinking about the girl and wanted me to think about telling her this thought. Before i share, let me tell you that by the time i talked to Anna, the message was as much for me as the girl, if not more. I had a terrible day at work with a constant underlying harassment from a c0-worker. It really bothered me, in spite of my best efforts to let it roll off my back. And here is what Anna told me, which i believe was really from the Holy Spirit: She said, "You know, Job had nobody. No friends or family. Even his wife had turned her back on him. But he had a right relationship with God. And it is our relationship with <em>God</em> that matters - NOT OTHERS!" How awesome is that? As long as i act right, who cares if that woman is hateful or degrading, as long as i know my relationship with God is in good standing? (and if my relationship with God is right, then i <em>will</em> be acting right).<br /><br />And Anna thought she was giving me advice for the other girl. . . ;-)<br /><br />The third and final thing i had planned to share was this. I recently had laproscopic gall bladder surgery. After they had given me the initial sedatives and asked me a gazillion questions, they left me alone and i lay there and thought about the fact that i could die, even though this is a fairly routine operation. I started to pray (prob not an uncommon event in the O.R. holding area) and i esp prayed for my son in the event that i died during or as a result of the operation. I thanked God for him, and prayed that he would continue to bring him up in a love for the Lord. Then, of course, i prayed for forgiveness (I'm no dummy, ya know!). As i lay there and thought about if i was really ready to die, i realized that if i did die, i would be in heaven that <em>very day! </em>Now i have always been skeptical of people that say that they are ready to go now, and seem enthusiastic about it, even. But I honestly got a shiver from the excitement about the fact that i had prayed, my business was taken care of, my son would be fine, and i could see <em>Jesus</em> in heaven <em>that</em> day! It was such a feeling, that i am still in awe that i was excited and not worried about the prospect. Now, granted, I am very, VERY glad i made it and didn't die (though i felt like i might that first day), but it is just so odd to me that i was not only okay with it, but excited. Wow, i really am saved! :-D<br /><br />Now, back to why we were late to the 'Holy Land'. We were in Eureka Springs, AR, for a church trip. I went with the youth group as a chaperon (ie, person who gets a 'vacation' without sleep) and we were in the church bus. All the smart people, uh, i mean, other adults, were in a separate vehicle. Anyway, the youth pastor and I decided we would take the kids to see some sights, including Thorncrown Chapel. Thorncrown chapel is a chapel built on the side of the mountain and is completely made of glass. The interior has a stone floor and the rock walls are about two feet high, otherwise glass, save the beams. And those trees you see are not a reflection, they are on the other side of the chapel - you're looking through the glass.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSBPlyInDW5uDYHSPhnDvoBYo76gsa2sEfn7X-Ww1j5e9jafrp4rsWrtKyKlngM9IHtgARtjvtX-ONI0J5cqyJns1c-W2dLGi9FzgiUFjicKUylyTi49SwCqO9X0ROSvkokBeuMZCwaswe/s1600-h/DSC03412.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356062142637014338" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSBPlyInDW5uDYHSPhnDvoBYo76gsa2sEfn7X-Ww1j5e9jafrp4rsWrtKyKlngM9IHtgARtjvtX-ONI0J5cqyJns1c-W2dLGi9FzgiUFjicKUylyTi49SwCqO9X0ROSvkokBeuMZCwaswe/s320/DSC03412.jpg" border="0" /></a> So, for those of you that don't know, Eureka Springs is in the Ozark mountains. The Ozarks are not a huge or grand mountain range, but they're still mountains. Esp when you're driving without a guard rail, not even a shoulder on the road, only a few inches where they built up the road with flimsy gravel because you're on the side of a freakin' mountain and there's a drop that is straight down, and it's on your side and your sitting in a church van which is higher than most vehicles which means that you have even further to fall if the very young, inexperienced youth pastor/driver wobbles three inches to the right while he's talking to the kids and messing with radio and "could you please slow down a little, you're making me nervous and my only son is on board, sorry, thank you" and 'dear God, please forgive me of all me sins and I forgive everyone else, too (cause you gotta do that to get yours to work, and this could be the last minutes of my life, and surgery is an easier way to die, but i hadn't even had the surgery yet, so i didn't know i was excited, so work with me) and my GOSH, it is a loooooong way down there. And then it happened. We had a tire 'issue' on one of the back tires. Which is to say, there was suddenly a loud noise, slapping rubber and great concern. But immediately there was a road that was fairly level to the side, no traffic and we turned. And let me tell you, there are never roads to he side - you're on a mountain after all. And we stopped and the youth pastor got out and then he saw some fluid and yells, "everybody, out of the van!" So we did like half of a chinese fire drill and ran for the very nice large rock embankment in case it was gasoline and the van blew up. It turns out that the back tires on our 'new' used church van were retreads and the entire tread had come off, except for maybe six inches. When it did, it cut a line under the van, which turned out to happily not be fuel or brakes, but a line for the heater fluid. Here's a pic and you might be able to tell by the marks that the tread (laid out on the ground behind the tire) spun around against the side of the van and was so long, it went above the bottom edge of the windows.<br /><br /><br /><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil1PWl0m70O3AO_5JVlV2RjrPrlMiif52CZMwa-KRCGPxnwV66v99cFpcIAvgqkRqG5zqTn8gwEVT8vvKzhqqsZb61fpu31Kj_c3cSqH0ZldGCQEVfTLrUXJxtv39AUThgmy5iRIHGyYrN/s1600-h/DSC03418-1.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356066385369636002" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil1PWl0m70O3AO_5JVlV2RjrPrlMiif52CZMwa-KRCGPxnwV66v99cFpcIAvgqkRqG5zqTn8gwEVT8vvKzhqqsZb61fpu31Kj_c3cSqH0ZldGCQEVfTLrUXJxtv39AUThgmy5iRIHGyYrN/s320/DSC03418-1.JPG" border="0" /></a> And do you like the tool box with hand painted flowers? It came with the van. That shoulda been a sign. . .</p><br /><p>Anyway, you can not understand how amazing it is that we did not go off the side of the mountain, and that there was a such a safe place for us to wait and work on the van. I have never seen this road before and i could not believe how amazingly God provided for us. I am so thankful. </p><br /><p>OK, here's one final pic. It is called the Christ of the Ozarks. It is five stories tall, and you can see it from all the different surrounding mountains. It mostly has sentimental value, because i remember my grandaddy being excited to see it from distances. </p><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGlSlhV3A52LVRghFdcGPxrPTzCfOueksR2osK2ZHe-xSF5WG9cCd__aLs3oHNxbazo5OUsruCbIUz8Gtand3hKTcqEaIS6Sis4q2D7ouvalbQ9TxdGDRvuEMzqAZAclWUkftd0X-Tg9Sx/s1600-h/DSC03432-1.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356068313499727538" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGlSlhV3A52LVRghFdcGPxrPTzCfOueksR2osK2ZHe-xSF5WG9cCd__aLs3oHNxbazo5OUsruCbIUz8Gtand3hKTcqEaIS6Sis4q2D7ouvalbQ9TxdGDRvuEMzqAZAclWUkftd0X-Tg9Sx/s320/DSC03432-1.JPG" border="0" /></a>Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-5206747686748792952009-04-23T21:54:00.003-05:002009-04-23T22:10:19.486-05:00Scary, but True!I think this next post will speak for it's self, without commentary (though i will add an explanation as needed).<br /><br />This, my friends, is my growing list of things to do with my tax refund (the part that won't be used to pay off credit cards). <br /><br />Rusty - gelded (son's 3 1/2 yo colt/stallion - oops!)<br />Macon - groomed (son's standard poodle)<br />Tithe (yes, it's number three - please don't judge)<br />~insert son's name~ (yes, i owe my child money)<br />Orange Cream Slush (no, i do not have to wait for a tax refund to buy one - apparently that was on my mind when i was rewriting the list)<br />Saddle (for my son. He said, 'great, for a horse that's not even rideable' - meaning Rusty)<br />Gate Panels (for the dog kennels)<br />porch? (for the front entrance that we can't use at all right now)<br />aquarium (as in pump and fish)<br />Wheaten Puppy (that we can raise ourselves)<br />Direct TV/Internet (my internet is soooooooo ssss-llll-oooooooo-wwwww!!!!)<br /><br />There you go. I guess they all needed an explanation after all.<br /><br />Is anyone there?<br /><br />(more crickets)Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-2770216503778186532009-04-21T11:04:00.014-05:002009-04-21T20:06:42.484-05:00A Quick ShareI have a lot that rambles through my mind - usually when I'm at work and doing the monotonous but necessary tasks, such as QC. I can run on autopilot and my mind wanders. Then when i have time to post . . . nothing.<br /><br />But I took pictures on the drive home yesterday. I always take my camera and then I'm usually in a hurry or late or it's dark. But yesterday i was driving in the late afternoon and evening, no hurry and i took a different route home. Let me say, I used to drive this way every week and was so bored, but when you've been gone a while, you see 'new" things again.<br /><br />First there were some wild flowers that i am sure I've never seen before. I suspect that they are invasive old home site plants.<br /><br /><br /><div><div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327185868830920098" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmx0pzPS8KTuHjZEDI2ktbiDC9MhQ2MH1hOQMs2cZrBJhIAJ0f2cd9P1l3_Va1IqPfY252iKqmkfionIufw88Ih3VzKDA1Pd9-3hgW0A70fhAQNUyvDV0JTeBrywqyvugEdluPG27pv45Q/s320/DSC03257.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327185895484311362" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlwloM5R-CcOQFFUKyEL2GJzW5iNqLlMdAENfix0XTqnIWicR27To-KhMjHRp6MaBuqHyfAey-imdATzWbbo4h6frjbRZHIaFBDJBTxc21Enb1nT4ZeobHtBzps8zLxCzE-d_9iQOYjYZ_/s320/DSC03256.jpg" border="0" /> </div><div><br /></div><div></div><div>Their feel is almost like a succulent (that rubbery feel), and the flowers remind me of several - snap dragon, wisteria, etc. There were scores of plants, so i pulls up two plants. The first just broke off and I realized they must have an extensive root system, so i looked in the car (SUV) and found a hoof pick - don't ask - and dug the earth away from around the second and tried to get under it. I got several large roots, but there were a lot and they ran deep. If anyone knows what this is, please tell me. </div><div><br /></div><div>And who knew that salvia grew wild here?</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327185898826071522" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXF0NbMNPvoODyccoWmDoSjGc3ag-6Zb5p-35mEeb6DqZx52nLyV-kHFSuNc06Onc0IgVvoemRzSEGYQdcP-SrYBeYwWbKgIlFgmfPd_k-lKpJ5-hqB83juPwB7j_TP3Izz6d8nTZIdox1/s320/DSC03261_edited-1.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div>I've been meaning to take a pic of this little shack for a while. </div><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327185900569461026" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 229px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNCPoYrwczo1ehwfGG65Vb5c5WhQNc19rs94Q_KZESxw6fSQN9molPEwSy90wBLF5bY6XGFd0nBhjO9_DdfSjDh58HurF3cyXZwNRtJBEV7HGXARQBO5xQ3TuH2ZUWEvcl7ylt9MyD9Dj-/s320/DSC03264_edited-2.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div>I love, <em>love</em>, little shacks, old buildings, old barns, etc. I mean, I like these old shacks, but I like old barns even better. I like to imagine what all happened there - the daily grind, the joys (was there a baby born here?) the sadness inevitable, and who was the last person to leave? Did they know when they left that nobody would live there again? </div><br /><div></div><div></div><div>Barns really make me reflect. I think about the animals that lived there, the bond between the animals and people, the people that constructed this shelter - the shelter the animals came to at night after serving their purpose. The ingenuity in some of the structures that i sometimes think is now missing. And again, the last time it served its intended purpose.<br /></div><div></div><div></div><br /><div><br /></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327194598191499042" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEwSTjhpEasBTWJnkIs2SPrj6OdC29OK_4YXdW-CvSDxQDGIgDPM70Zb3DVOhb2lyTbOrsVsm8FHtyI5F2Ueaop1ccjE3H22bz4nD0vuSyK9ogguGMTErdYdkS1aH9cRGywszO6E_oy_p2/s320/DSC03147-1.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327185907819900962" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbFXG9JgbE2bO5A4yfYAwgSdiIJ16mxdmeiUU_LAbylzdsOQhtyCwmSVHRapBFuFO-cJYsO6B09AZoYbulCXmb20aQ_p4gLFGIN0FsBFBZsQ4Cc3dgpONX3hv3zvv2LasHMNNwYnXc8CcR/s320/DSC03148.JPG" border="0" /><br /><div>Time stands still here, but it doesn't. Two structures that come to mind immediately. I was going to take a picture the next time, but the next time they were gone. One was an old barn, and the <em>next</em> day, it had collapsed. Another was an old lumber kiln, that had rails running thru it. It was fascinating, but they bulldozed it to clear the area. The last symbol of that era - gone. I guess in a way, it makes our troubles (maybe even our lives?) seem insignificant. Because tomorrow (whenever tomorrow is) it won't matter.</div><br /><div></div><div>I didn't intend for this turn into a melancholly post. </div><div><br /></div><div></div><div>On a brighter note. . . </div><div></div></div><div></div><div><div></div><div> </div><div>I got my exam back today. I made the highest grade in the class! 100 out of 102 pts. I would have made 100% but i got a little dislexic - on a matching portion i marked out "J" and put "J" again, instead of "G". And why does that bug me? Oh, well. . . 98% !!!!<br /></div><div>And this is what i <em>really</em> noticed in the south pasture as i drove up to the house.<br /></div><div></div><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327203456934734034" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQayoh4aP68x9P88IR6AOwOxZTR28kFpIgBb_oJT_02b7PrvOuvMmx6Y8FHyIR0jYqbl6ttgf58kcEdh1phPyOq01rpm_m_Y2FDESTdpKVlCYDt4fC032eBZWkCPIp4U3qx2dpbbUgtcc4/s320/DSC03291.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327203442939988546" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTPRAsN1uCp-MVZXi3n_ai87wGK4pQKEIAObMvvNb7hrTUD1fsNEQnM0nyl5Hr3stcVYqJkDmFsI1CK9i7fYG0Z0PLmDy57xiWE2K8HFdyCK86Klp29p9Mj3lTiiTMvmCl0Q2cITwzlggh/s320/DSC03285.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327203452791448370" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdbXRt8aq9of8wnHQOmJFhq75PIsg-wMFqQf344fzF6crfAoF5rCU0jGbWheEfyr5XzNRG89bj7HebWSruvqGvYw5wty0wp_6ZGJw5pW6nM9E13E3pyOPhTHBDVQdZV_upEOQIL82PBXrO/s320/DSC03277.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div><div></div><div></div><div>I picked some for Memo and took them to her. She was delighted. She said that Ida had planted those flowers. (I've never heard of Ida. She lived/worked here, with her husband Troy, for my great-grandfather. I think Memo said Troy was a 'Daniel'. </div><div></div><div></div><div> </div><div>I'm calling this 'series' of photos 'Ida's Delight'. Corny, but again, my blog ;-). </div><div></div><div> </div><div>Ooh, that reminds me. . . </div><div></div><div></div><div> </div><div>At least one person has read my blog, and commented! I was sooo excited, and it was none other than Bush Babe (bushbabe.blogspot.com) ! </div><div></div><div></div><div>THANK YOU!!! Thanks for reading and for such a nice comment. I truly enjoy your blog - it helps get me through the weekend.</div><div></div><div></div><div> </div><div>Well, that's it, folks. </div><div><br /></div><div>Y'all have a good day now, ya hear?!?</div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>where did that come from . . . ?</div><div></div><div></div><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327203447817700274" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkFQ3-Z5LskKtyBL8yCXn8Q3NKCATMhwaRCBeA5ZswaRPKF8vUUUV59zPx0SUksdKpQ79e-pZ2thOhh2beKlGxRy2RBe1dcSORgibOXu4SOcXzEOwtmsY3eS2RhUX7TV369phTWFmg4nv7/s320/DSC03282.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br /><div></div></div></div></div>Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-69822523444345535142009-04-19T04:32:00.003-05:002009-04-19T04:35:06.866-05:00Just Thinking. . .You know, KFC's brown gravy is not really <em>good</em>, just strangely compelling.<br /><br />*burp!*<br /><br />excuse meOh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1354359804182133481.post-88665702060128238862009-04-17T08:40:00.000-05:002009-04-17T12:26:11.287-05:00What a Start!I've been wanting to start a blog and put my story out there.<br /><br />Problem is, I don't necessarily want people to know who i am, esp when they learn all my gory details. (maybe by 'people', i mean my family. . . ?) I want it to be totally anonymous so i can write about any and everything. But funny thing is, i have this fear that no one will ever read it. And while i don't want my mother to read it, i still want her to. For like an approval thing. At 36. How sad. . .<br /><br />So then i had to think of a name. Would it be the street i grew up on (Saxony) Would it be my first pets name (Sweet Pea), or - you guessed it - my 'p*rn star name' (Saxony Sweet Pea). See, already i don't want my mother reading this. ;-) (<em>it was a joke, with a long story - later!) </em>I figured everything witty was taken. Plus, I'm not very creative. so, my blog has been lingering in my mind for several months now. Then it happened.<br /><br />I had a dream. . .<br /><br />ok, not that big. . . but really.<br /><br />I was dreaming this morning on my one morning to get to sleep in. I was in the middle of quite a symbolic dream when my boss called and told me HR approved the raise i requested (small, inside little dance). When i hung up, i started thinking about this dream and i thought, "if i had a blog i would post this and get it out of my system, 'cause mark my words. . . " "Hey, that would be a good blog name. Someone's prob got that. I could check." Well, by the time i made it to my computer i was already thinking about my life and, oh my word, so i checked and here i am with an even more emphatic variation.<br /><br />So , here's my dream. . .<br /><br />A bunch of people, including my mother, were at the hospital where i work. It was a break time so we got in my car (my old Cutlass Supreme - <em>loved</em> that car!) and went down to the creek that adjoins the property. It was myself, my mother and two people she knew. We were all on the front row and i was in the middle - next to the end on the right. In other words, i wasn't driving my own car. In the front it was these 2 people, then me and then my mother.<br /><br />We were watching the creek and talking and one of them asked if they could smoke and my mother told them it was okay! She doesn't even smoke, and it wasn't her car, and she said ok - but very sheepishly, almost like my ds was there - but he wasn't. (i added that part, cause don't people bore you with the details of their dream? but it's my dream, my blog, so there you go.) BTW, the creek did this sudden rise because it had been raining quite a bit on the other side of the hospital. Like that was enough for a rush of water. . .<br /><br />Anyway, then this creep of a guy that works EVS (for real, and he is creepy) came up and my mother was encouraging him and i was trying to get her to let him go, leave him alone so he would leave and she totally blew me off and kept talking to him. I tried to explain that he creeps me out, but she ignored it.<br /><br />Then we had to go back to the hospital and were driving over (again not me - i think it was her) and she started talking about going to Wisconsin to see this man she,s been talking to, and i asked what car she was taking, because she never drives her own (she's working that system good) She said she was planning on taking mine and i said i don't think so. She said she would ask grandaddy (he bought it) and i reminded her that he gave me the full title and it was my car and she wasn't taking it under any circumstances. Then we looked up (we were driving all this time) and we come to a wide drive/entrance to a parking lot and there's someone standing in the middle directing traffic. It was grandmother, in her present condition (86, and a bit stooped and wobbly). She was wearing her little denim pants set with the red medallion shirt and doing all the hand signal for the traffic (now if that's not symbolic, i don't know what is!)<br /><br />About that time my boss called and woke me up. Aren't you glad?<br /><br />There was more about the interaction with the creepy guy, but i can't remember now. Again, aren't you glad?<br /><br />Any comments, however long after the post, would be much appreciated. Dream analysis fascinates me. I know we've already got my mom backseat driving (from the passengers side, and later blatantly driving), and totally disregarding my values (the smoking, the creep). We've got my grandmother directing things, even though she's frail. (and how odd that she was in her pants set, she always wears a dress. ohh, maybe she had the more masculine pants because grandaddy's gone and now she's directing things. . . )<br /><br />See, i really love it. Write me so i know someone is reading this.<br /><br /><br />(crickets chirping)<br /><br />mmBye-bye<br /><br /><br /><em></em><br /><br /><em></em>Oh My Wordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01068576508582890575noreply@blogger.com1