No Words

I know this is stupid, and I shouldn't be this upset, but I am.

Yesterday David and faye came out to look at the fencing problem.  I was already embarrassed at the how trashy the place looks.  But then they got here and Dixie had to potty.  Matthew said they couldn't go in Memo's, and that his bathroom was too dirty to use, so they had to use mine.  All I could do was have matthew take them in the front door,  and I went in the back and closed the laundry room door so she wouldn't see the cat boxes.  I wanted to die 1000 deaths.

I'm humiliated,  embarrassed, and ashamed.   As much as I need and want friends, and as much as I really like faye, I'm actually considering never talking to them again.  I'm so embarrassed.   Embarrassed isn't a strong enough word.  There isn't a strong enough word.

And i kinda feel betrayed.  I asked matthew when I was drawing house plans if he wanted a private bathroom.  He said no.  He promised to keep his clean for public use.  So why didn't I make him take them to his bathroom? I would say I'm angry at him, but I'm really not.  I'm past that. I'm distraught that it happened at all.

I have no words.  I just cry.  I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out.    This is a pit, and apparently I'm destined to be alone in my pit.  Nobody will help me.  Matthew makes a mess and wont help me.  I make a mess and feel like there's no point.  I want to sleep and escape my life.  I hate my life.

Matthew said he didn't realize it was that big a deal.  How can he not?  I plead with him to do his part.  Am I just low level background noise?  I feel like I don't matter to anyone.  This stripped any last shred of dignity I had.  I have no dignity or self esteem left.  Even in the dark I want to hide my face.

And the damned horse scratched my car.