Sunday, August 17, 2014

I'm Tired. I Don't Wanna Play Anymore.

I don't feel like writing anything.  In fact, I don't feel like doing anything.  But I know I need to write, and get it all out of my system.  And later, when i think, "was it really that bad?" I can look back and say, "wow, that was bad, and I made it through."

So where to start?

Scott - I just don't have the energy right now to be active and involved.  And besides, he's married and its wrong for me to be involved, even though we haven't done anything *wrong* I still feel guilty.  Do I love him? Yes.  At least I love the idea of him.  The problem is, I've put my wall up.  I'm on guard.  I don't really think hes going to actually leave his wife.  I don't really think we are going to actually get married.  And i don't really think that he'll seriously consider having a baby with me.  So I guess what I'm saying is that i have no faith in him, and its hard to play make believe with him.  Sad thing is, i don't want to say anything and mess it up if it really will happen.

Matt - Ugh.  That's all i can think to say.  I've avoided him because i didn't want to encourage him in this "relationship."  I finally worked up the nerve to tell him that we needed to have a frank discussion regarding our relationship, or lack thereof.  He agreed.  And he even added that no matter what we decide, his feelings for me won't change.  I took that as a good sign that we would have a friendly split.  Then we went to the James Taylor concert.  Afterwards, we ate dinner and talked.  I thought we came to an agreement that things that didn't have to change, but we would no longer refer to this as a dating relationship.  But what do you know, things have changed - towards a dating relationship.  I truly like him, care for him even, but this is never going to work and I'm back to being stuck again.  Ugh.

My Evil Mother - So much to tell, and I'm such a poor typist.  She had Memo's will changed on Thursday, July 31.  Memo started getting sick Friday and vomited nearly ever day.  Tuesday i insisted she go to the hospital.  She was having a complication from the pancreatic cancer.  I noticed in the middle of the week that my updates didn't make sense, and they were much less frequent.  Apparently, i was to be kept in the dark.  Memo finally accidentally told me a week later on August 14th. 

While she was in the hospital (Aug 5 - 7), I was stuck without a car.  I decided that instead of selling Memo's car to someone else, i would see about getting it fixed and buy it myself.  I had it towed in.  Repairs only came to $445 instead of $2,400.  My mother flipped when i she realized i might end up with transportation again.  She went to the sheriff and tried to imply that i stole the car.  She figured out which shop i had it in and while i was paying, she drove off.  She hid it at another garage in town (Herb Handly).  When i went to get the car registered in my name (Memo had signed the title so i could sell it), my  mother had requested a duplicate title, thereby rendering mine useless.  She's a bitch, but she's smart.  

Tuesday was my birthday.  I have to say, overall i had a good birthday experience, especially considering all the crap going on.  The Friday before i got to see James Taylor.  What an incredible concert.  I could so easily be a groupie!  :)  And the evening with Matt was very  nice.  He's a very good listener.  I worked the weekend, but it wasn't a bad weekend.  Sunday i got to go to church, and i met my FB friend Linda, and we went to lunch.  That was so good, too.  Tuesday, my actual birthday, i went for a consult with an attorney about my mother.  While that may not seem like a good birthday activity, it eased my mind a lot, so that was good.  Matthew and i went to lunch, and that was good.  Gawd I love that boy.  My mother made dinner - not impressed - and that was it. 

Oh, and a weird thing.  My mother wanted me to go target practice with her on July 4th.  We don't do that together.  Then i find out that she has purchased several new guns.  And now the weird part. . . for my birthday she is giving me a concealed carry class.  I DONT HAVE A GUN!!!  Why would I need a concealed carry class?!?  Honestly, i have concerns that she's trying to "accidentally" shoot me, or in the least,  try to make it look like I'm stealing one of her guns.  Theres something weird going on there.

Theres more, but i guess there always will be.  I do feel better.  I'm trying to fight off depression.  Robin Williams killed himself last Monday, the day before my birthday.  I was so saddened.  I think in a way because i saw it coming, and its sad that others didn't see it and try to save him.  And I wonder if could get too far gone in the despair and hopelessness.  I hope not, but it scares the daylights out of me.  It scares me for me, and it scares me for Matthew. 


Thursday, July 31, 2014

There's so much I could write about today. I can talk more about Scott. I could write about the new house, and the huge undertaking of moving out of the old house. I can write about the boyfriend, Matt, and how he's not really a boyfriend. I can even write about the first fight with my best friend, Connie, and how we didn't talk for 4 days. Sadly, what I have to write about is bigger than all of those things put together. Tonight I'm faced with the sad reality that my mother has betrayed my son, in much the same way that she has betrayed me repeatedly. Today, my mother met with Memo and her attorney and had Matthew's name taken off the land and house.  And then she had the nerve to act like matthew should be happy because, "Matthew is now her sole heir!"

Suddenly, I'm speechless at the gravity of the situation. And I'm so sad for Matthew.

Monday, June 30, 2014

The One That Got Away

Did you ever have "the one that got away?" It doesn't have to be a fish in your tall tale.  But everyone has one, don't they?  One weird example was the t-shirt that i really wanted to buy at the Carman concert when i was about 13.  My mother had given me the money, but she had also, over time, impressed upon me the fact that we had NO extra money.  I had the t-shirt in my hand, and i put it back.  I have never forgotten that moment, or the shirt.  That's why i tell Matthew that no matter how "broke" we are, that he should get something if he really wants it, cuz we'll still be broke even if he doesn't spend the money, so he may as well have something he enjoys.  But enough about my stellar parenting. . . ;)

My biggie that got away was Scott.  Scotty.  I was 19, he 22.  He was only the third person i had ever been out with on a date, and my second boyfriend.  I was in love, and not just a little.  With my mother's "help,' I stood up my grandparents for Christmas and we spent it with Scott's family.  He gave me a gold coin bracelet.  I was moved beyond words.  When we left that evening, i remember crying - bawling - because i was so overwhelmed with my love for him.  On Valentine's Day he proposed to me in his living room with his mom there.  Of course, i said yes. 

But things started getting weird. One evening in April we took a break from moving him to a new apartment.  He asked what i wanted to do, and thinking that he meant for the rest of the evening, i replied that i didn't care.  He suggested that he call me in a couple of weeks.  I was stunned.  I sarcastically asked if he wanted his ring back and he said yes.  I left in a daze.  I made it 2 blocks before i pulled over and sobbed.  As the days and weeks went by, i wanted to kill myself.  I became obsessed with cemeteries, and where I should be buried.  Why this didn't concern my mother, i have no idea.

The events of the night have permanently stained my perspective. I still rack my brain to figure out what i did wrong, what signal i missed, how i couldve been more clear about my feelings.  Anything.  I beat myself up, convinced that something is inherently wrong with me.  And it carries over to my dating, even today.  I've had 2 more people just leave for no apparent reason.  I feel immense stress about not pressuring someone, trying to be myself, all the while look for clues.

So why do i mention all this now? Because he is back in my life.  And believe it or not, i love him just as much 22 years later as I did on that Christmas night.  I still have to catch my breath when i think of him.  I'm not saying that I've never loved anyone else, but I am saying that I've never loved anyone like i love him.  And I'm so scared that history will repeat itself - again.

He says he loves me, that his feelings have never changed. I eventually (3rd visit) asked what happened way back then.  He seemed very sad.  He said his parents were very controlling (don't i understand!), and pressured him to end the relationship.  so what can possible go wrong?  I'll tell you - he's married.

He says he has already been planning for about 5 years how to leave her.  She has lied to him and ruined them financially.  I believe him.

I feel like such a hypocrite.  HE"S MARRIED.  IVE KISSED HIM.  I'm so conflicted. Not confused, conflicted.  This is what I've wanted for 22 years.  And yet, i don't really have him.  And I'm scared to death.  Scared he won't really leave her.  Scared that when he does, he'll like his freedom and not follow through on marrying me.  Scared I'll get so depressed that i cant function.  I don't think i can live through it a second time.  I know that sounds so melodramatic, but it's really how i feel.

Suddenly Sundays are bad.  He calls me everyday, except Sunday.  And Sunday i barely hear from him.  Is he just busy with church?  Is his family around more? Do they have family time, and is it good?  ugh.  i disgust myself.  And yet, I still want it.

He says he needs to wait a year.  I don't know if i can wait a year.  On the other hand, I've waited 22 years, whats one  more?

Will write more later. . .