2 days ago
Saturday, December 19, 2009
I know Christians are supposed to be super happy around this time of year. And I really am so thankful that God sent his sent his on to me, for me. Just sometimes life gets so in the way, I'm just so sad. All I really want is love, is that so much to ask? It seems apparent that it is. And i know God loves me and this is not what He wants for my life - too feel this way. But my human nature wants a human to love me. I'm not even asking for unconditional, just really love me and take into acct my humanity. That i'm not perfect, but i will try my best to be. But it's just so hard when you feel like all that you've done for 37 yrs is try to be a good daughter and granddaughter, and it's rewarded by being alone and treated like the stepchild. When your own mother knocks you down and keeps you down, what can you expect from anyone else? My son is the truest love i've ever known. Of course, i can't burden him with my unhappiness. And he will be grown in a few years and leave, which is what he's supposed to do. But then i'll be really alone. I feel like i'm pushing him out the door, but it breaks my heart to do it. i just don't know how long i can keep going like this, physically and emotionally. Yesterday, i just wanted to let myself breakdown. i even thought it would be kinda nice to be checked in somewhere and not have to worry about life anymore. But that would be abandoning my son the same way my mother has done me. I'm determined that he always know how much i love him and that his mom is always there for him. it would help if i had someone to talk to. I tried to talk to Terry, but she didn't say anything and she's busy. I apologized for whining, and she said ok, so i guess to her i'm just whining. I called Richard and he's too busy to talk right now and he never called me back, so there you go. I called Tammy and her son was up and busy so she could only half listen, and when i apologized for complaining and taking her time she said, ok. I just want someone to say, "i would be upset, too." Everyone's too busy with the Christmas spirit to worry about someone that's upset. I kept thinking about the hank williams song, but i had the words wrong, but it described my feelings - "I'm so lonesome i I could die." I feel like i'm dying of loneliness. Is there anyone out there that can care for me?