Shaken

OK, it's another dream. But i believe this one is a warning or prophetic - about the end times.

I dreamt that i was in Washington, DC. At first i thought i was on a trip, but later in the dream it seemed i lived or worked there. I actually don't think that was important, except it gave me some background to reason out things later. Just for the sake of details, I'll add that we were on the Washington mall and battling a lot of traffic. i was with friends, but not sure who. I figured out a way to ride a walker or something, because there was some mass confusion and we had been put at out at the wrong stop and had to walk.

At some point i was with the president, working in some capacity. Things were going wrong, like they were trying to overthrow him or there was chaos. But not obviously, or not enough to cause panic yet, like they were still trying to have a logical explanation. I can't remember.

I went to my apartment and i had a couple of the dogs, i think the schipperkes and a large white poodle - Macon, maybe. I had this feeling that i had to get home (this must have been a place to stay while at work). I felt i had to bring the dogs home, which i would not have normally done. The Poodle was acting strange and so i went for food and i was almost out. The dog was frantic for every morsel of food. I got the dog food sack and there was hardly any in it. I remember it was the right brand, but i was a lavender bag - Lamb and Rice. I thought, "that's odd, i never buy Lamb and Rice."

I started getting a panic and looked at the time on 'my' iPhone. It had been 45 minutes since the chaos started. I guess i still had not been sure until then. At that time my mom called and i said, "it's the end - it's started." She said that she had thought so and that's why she was calling.

It seems like i got home and we were trying to figure out what to do about the dogs, as far as feeding them or turning them loose. We were def thinking in terms of survival off grid.

OK, that's it. I know it doesn't sound like much, but i woke up in an absolute panic. I was thinking in terms of food and water for us and what to do about the animals. That i should sell the dogs and train the horses. I need ro have a plan for what to do if things break loose while i'm at work. I need to keep plenty of gas in my car at all times, when away from home, esp.

The panic went away while i checked facebook, but now it's back, just as strong. I really feel that this is a warning to get everything prepared. And it scares me. But it does occur to me that if God would give me a warning, then he will surely take care of me.

God is so good!

Well, I haven't posted din a while. I have had personal situations with my mom that have been emotionally traumatic. I'm not one to be dramatic like that, but there really is no other word.

The evolution of the past 6 months is amazing. I came to realize that my mother had betrayed me (again) but this time there was no extenuating circumstance that I could make somehow justify it in a backwards way. She was just outright conniving and cut-throat. It is very difficult to realize this about a loved one, but esp your mother. It's like the most basic instinct is to want your mother and to feel that no matter what may happen, your mother will always love you. In my case, i think it was magnified by the fact that i have sacrificed so much financially and emotionally to be there for her, even after the first time she betrayed me.

I also came to realize that i have to forgive her or the anger will eat away at me. However, i don't have to be foolish and naive and let her have an opportunity to trample me again. So now, i can be civil most of the time and temporarily forget what all she has done. Big improvement!

I've been quite lonely lately. I've managed to avoid a depression through sheer determination and distracting myself with other thoughts. Facebook doesn't help. I have a lot of friends (a lot for me - 160) but it seems so shallow. I was, once again, looking up old flames. I found one - actually ran into him Taco Bell a few months back but didn't answer his phone call. I'm not sure why, but i think i was embarrassed. We didn't really date, but spent a lot of time together and on the phone. There was point where we had one physical encounter and then we basically never spoke again. Now, i've found him on facebook but i want to scream - "I'm not who i was!!!" The really good thing is it looks like he has found a meaningful relationship with God, as well. But that makes him seem even more attractive. And then I'm even more embarrassed.

And this feeling is not just with him. Sometimes when i post a scripture, i wonder if all my college friends snicker and remember some of my behaviour. I have to keep in mind this is Satan try to steal, kill, and destroy what Gos is working in my life.

Anyway, back to the point of this post. My Bible reading this morning was Lamentations 3. I found it generally depressing and so i was skimming the chapter. Then i felt bad about that, because every word in the Bible is important. So i started paying more attention. And this is what i found:

Lamentations 3:19-21

'I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore i have a hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.'

How awesome is that?!? That is me exactly - i remember and my souls is downcast. But it doesn't have to be that way! I read Psalms 103 not to long ago and had written down verse 4but i like it with verse 2 even better:

'Praise the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits. . .who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.'

I just wanted to touch base and share, so that i would not forget. I hope this can help some one else, as well.

Blessing to all.

PS A quote from St Augustine: There is no saint without a past, and no sinner without a future.

Poor Pitifull Me turned into Shame On Me

This is a very different post than it would have been a few hours ago. Yeah, really, a few hours.

Here's the deal, pickle (get it . . .it sounds like dill pickle . . .) Sorry. Really.

Anyway, let me just say that i have issues with depression. I have fought it for years. I'll be okay and then have a bad bout. At this point in my life, though, i strongly believe that a person's mind has a lot of power. I can usually tell when I'm heading that direction and i will stop doing the activity that is triggering it, or i will distract myself with something. If I'm on a crying jag, i might give myself 15 minutes for a pity party (btw, I used to actually set a timer and would not allow to cry after it went off). In a few minutes, hours or (rarely) days, I'll be okay. The point is that if i can head it off, i can prevent myself from going into a bout of deep depression. If i don't pull myself out, i can become suicidal for no apparent reason. I've never tried anything, i always realize it is not a good solution to anything and it is terribly unfair to the people left behind. It does scare me, though, and i really try to prevent going in that direction.

I used to become so debilitated - I would lay in the bed for days, cry, stress eat, escape with reading, shopping or driving back roads, etc. I was in counseling for a while, and decided to see the staff psychiatrist to get an antidepressant for my depression which was believed to be clinical (read into that 'situational' - in other words, a lot of stuff was happening in my life and i had good reason to be depressed.) When i went to the psychiatrist i wasn't in a severe depression at the time, but just my average low. We just all thought it would be good to change the chemistry and get me up out of depression to help me function better and stay up on my own (often your body gets used to the chemical changes that take place in depression and make that your new normal, thereby staying depressed). So i tried an antidepressant - the same my mother had used and done well with. Well, i did NOT do well, to say the least. It threw me into a deep bout of severe depression in which i felt like life was totally hopeless and i was, frankly, suicidal. The saving grace was that i realized the only thing that had changed was the medication. I stopped immediately and went back to normal depression. I have since been too scared to try another medication.

Having said all that to say this. . . I've been heading off a bout of depression lately. However, i was only half trying. I continued in the activity that was depressing me because of a morbid curiosity. And it was a new method for an old depression. I'm new on facebook and i had depleted all my old friends and i started looking up old boyfriends. As a i found how many had stayed with the loser girl and and now look all-American with the wife and kids, i became more depressed. And here i am, a single mom, turning 37, no prospects of any good relationship, etc. I thought i was doing OK on looking but not getting depressed. But the final blow was Friday at work.

This was going to be my full time job, but at the last minute i decided to stay with my old job 130 miles away (i only drive there once a week) This new one is my fill in job, and I'm the new girl who kept the job in the 'big city' (read: they think i must feel too good to work in the new little town). My boss has repeatedly told me that the complaints i have gotten have been because I'm new and the people are nasty tempered and they'll be better when they get someone else new to pick on. He's has told me to just wait it out.

Well, Friday he called me into the office and told me that one of the problem people (nurse) had gotten her boss (main ER doctor) stirred up about me and he went to administration. Long story short, they put me on 6 months probation to appease the doctor. If i make one mistake or have one complaint, it's automatic termination. (and no, it doesn't matter if there are analyzer problems, power outage, alien landing, etc. There is actually a rule in place to help prevent these problems because everyone makes the mistake that i made) Here's the part that makes me feel hopeless. These complaints only happen when i work alone (no witnesses from my own department to take up for me). The shift i usually work leaves me alone for the last hour and a half of my shift. BUT, the next four shifts I'm scheduled to work are nights for 12 hrs each. Basically, I'm doomed. I asked my boss to reschedule and not let me work alone until this all blows over, but he said if i can't work when he needs me then I'm of no use. At the same time, he says he really doesn't want to lose me because I'm a good worker. He also said if he has to choose me or him, he's keeping his job. duh. His best suggestion is to work and don't make a mistake. For six months. Needless to say, i feel quite helpless concerning this job.

And I'd like to point out that i have worked my other job for 4 years without being reprimanded once. In fact, I've gotten three awards for outstanding performance.

Well, the friday work incident was the straw that broke the depressed camel's back. The facebook, my mother being esp obnoxious for several weeks, and now the job - i took a dive head first into depression. Mainly about how much of a loser i am. I cried Friday when i left work and could not stop - literally. Every time my mind wandered, i teared up. My eyes were swollen half shut by Friday night. It was not pretty. I hate to tell what pulled me out, but here goes. My mom started picking on my son and pulling the crap she did to me (guilt trips, crying, hatefulness, etc) it made me so mad i at her i couldn't feel sorry for myself, i felt protective of my son. I also had a co-worker who really stepped up as a friend.

Now i was out of the serious depression but still felt like i needed to sort stuff out. I was gonna blog about everything, but i was embarrassed about my pity party, and i really hated to write about depression after being so up about spiritual stuff. (When will we learn that Christians are people, too? We have to battle human trials like everyone else, we just have a Hope - which leads me to the next part.)

We were supposed to go to Wisconsin this weekend for my cousin's wedding. We've been planning for months, but i suddenly had to back out because of my mother's antics. I just could not see my son and i traveling by car for 900+ miles with her. so we cancelled (due to money (wink, wink). Then i started trying to get back some of my shifts at my full time job. I got back the 3 night shifts, but did not pursue the day shifts. i thought it would be a mini vacation (and it has been wonderful!).

I decided while i was off work for a rare Sunday, i should go to church (we've got the right flavor across the street from the hospital). I got off from the night shift and went to bed. I had THE hardest time getting up. I started to stay in bed, but decided i really needed to go, esp with my recent depression. I am so glad i did.

Here's what i got from church. . .

I'm going through it, not to it. ( i know, cheesy, but it's easy to remember)
This situation, even my life, is not a snap shot of what's happening right now, but one frame in a long video.
And there was a third thing, but i keep saving this forever long post and coming back . . .

Anyway, between an unexpected friend being there for me, and esp church, i feel much better.

And i would like to add, I am Soooo thankful i didn't quit my other job for this one! Whew!

That's all. Thank you, see ya later.

Here's Some 'Church' for Ya. . .

First, I'm sorry I haven't posted. That's not so much an apology, as the fact that I'm actually regretful that i haven't posted. It's like when i was in college and i would put off writing a paper until the last minute because of the dread of writing and because I'm a perfectionist. I don't want this blog to be about the dread of writing, I've just been so busy and it can be a big deal to sit down and write (perfectionism). But i have made some notes to myself and created 'drafts' so i wouldn't forget. That's a bright spot, right?

Anyway, I have some spiritual things to share. Three to be exact. But it could turn into more. There are no guarantees. . . And let me just say, I'm an ordinary person. I'm NOT Ms Spirituality. In fact, if any of my co-workers read this post, they would prob be shocked. But I will say this: God has been dealing with me a lot, esp in the last six months. And i think a lot of it is due to my son. He has always been a very spiritually minded person, even as a little kid before we went to church or took him. He reads his Bible twice a day (am and pm) and prays and really means it. I have a feeling he's been praying for his momu (sounds like mama). It's not that i haven't believed, it's that I've been complacent. And if you're not going forward, you're go backward. Anyway. . . .

First i would like to say that God is an awesome God. Can you believe that with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that we no longer have to go through a priest to talk and commune with God?!? When Christ died and the curtain in the temple was ripped from top to bottom, God Himself made a way for us to come directly into His presence. That is amazing that God wants a relationship with an ordinary sinful person like me and He has invited me into His presence! WOW!

This really hit home when we went to Eureka Springs, AR, to the Passion Play. It wasn't actually the Passion Play that made the impression but the 'Tour Through the Holy Land', which we were late for - more on that in a minute. We had a very limited amount of time for the tour and we were told that the temple was a 'must see'. So we got there and they had an actual temple built to the best possible scale and replication and a person in period clothing acting as a rabbi, i think. Anyway, he took us to the alter and explained about the sacrifices that were brought and how they had to meet such rigorous standards and all the cleansing processes. And to see it in person and imagine the fire coming down and consuming that sacrifice - really amazing.



But the most amazing part was seeing the holy of holies. They had a room prepared with a Plexiglas wall so we could see in. And the man talked about the ritual washings and prayers that the priest would have to go through before he could go into the presence of God. And if he was not thorough or honest or truly repentant he would die - have to be drug out by a rope around his ankle (i guarantee you the next guy was careful!). And when Christ died for our sins he became that pure and blameless sacrifice that could cleanse us, and the curtain was torn so that we could go freely into the presence of God.




And yes, i cried right there in the middle of that crowd of people because I'm so unworthy, but he knew that and did it anyway. . .

OK, that wasn't one of things i wanted to share, but there's your bonus. And if you get a chance, you should really listen to the words of the song "Redeemer" by Nicole C. Mullin. I was listening to that on the drive home last night and crying.

I am a bit weepy lately, but it is still amazing. . .

And related to all that is one of the things i wanted to share. A woman i work with is really sweet and good hearted, but not a christian. However, she has always sent her youngest child to a religious daycare (catholic or episcopal). She has been disillusioned with people who profess Christianity and live like the devil - can't blame her. But a while back, maybe 6 months, she was going through a lot with her teenage daughter and she said, 'Pray. Please pray for me." I thought, that is my chance - she has a hunger or desire somewhere in there or she wouldn't have asked. Almost daily I have prayed for her to be drawn to God and for Him to show me how i can be used. Well, a few weeks ago we were talking about our kids and their 'inborn' spirituality (unfortunately, not the teenage daughter) She told me that her son had brought a book home from preschool that was an intro to the Bible, but she said about the time she was really hooked into it, the passage would be over. Well, it so happens (insert that God had already prepared the situation) that i had purchased a Bible on sale, but had decided that i didn't really need it and i should return it. I had even tried once, but it was too soon after the check had been written, so i had taken it back home and kept forgetting to bring it to town. When she said she had been interested in learning more, i immediately thought of the Bible. The cool thing is, it is a Quest NIV for people that want answers to everyday questions about the Bible! As you read, there are questions in the margin about the passage you are reading and the scholars opinion and where to look for supporting verses. So I cautiously told her i had a Bible that i had gotten on sale dirt cheap but planned to return and would she be okay with me offering it to her. She said that was fine, she would like it. And she wanted moisturizer from me, too. (ha ha) Long story short, i had her name engraved on the Bible (so she couldn't give it away easily) and I gave it to her yesterday. She said how beautiful it was, and then she opened the box and talked about how it had her name on it and she had never had a Bible engraved with her name! and look at the gold pages! and the leather smells so good! and it's so beautiful. . . now she wants to go to church! WOW! I'm so excited for her and I'm so humbled that God used me to bring her closer to Him. I know he used a donkey, but that donkey hadn't sinned and lived a human life that is not always (rarely?) a good example of Christianity.

The next thing i wanted to share was that i have a friend from college that is in a constant state of depression. I think it is primarily a habit and to a certain extent how she was raised. The frustrating part is how she is constantly saying how nobody cares about her, then you have to reaffirm your feelings of care and friendship. It is very draining, to say the least. I was particularly at a limit with her the other day, and i called to vent to my friend Anna, that doesn't know this girl. Anna called me back the next day and said she had awakened thinking about the girl and wanted me to think about telling her this thought. Before i share, let me tell you that by the time i talked to Anna, the message was as much for me as the girl, if not more. I had a terrible day at work with a constant underlying harassment from a c0-worker. It really bothered me, in spite of my best efforts to let it roll off my back. And here is what Anna told me, which i believe was really from the Holy Spirit: She said, "You know, Job had nobody. No friends or family. Even his wife had turned her back on him. But he had a right relationship with God. And it is our relationship with God that matters - NOT OTHERS!" How awesome is that? As long as i act right, who cares if that woman is hateful or degrading, as long as i know my relationship with God is in good standing? (and if my relationship with God is right, then i will be acting right).

And Anna thought she was giving me advice for the other girl. . . ;-)

The third and final thing i had planned to share was this. I recently had laproscopic gall bladder surgery. After they had given me the initial sedatives and asked me a gazillion questions, they left me alone and i lay there and thought about the fact that i could die, even though this is a fairly routine operation. I started to pray (prob not an uncommon event in the O.R. holding area) and i esp prayed for my son in the event that i died during or as a result of the operation. I thanked God for him, and prayed that he would continue to bring him up in a love for the Lord. Then, of course, i prayed for forgiveness (I'm no dummy, ya know!). As i lay there and thought about if i was really ready to die, i realized that if i did die, i would be in heaven that very day! Now i have always been skeptical of people that say that they are ready to go now, and seem enthusiastic about it, even. But I honestly got a shiver from the excitement about the fact that i had prayed, my business was taken care of, my son would be fine, and i could see Jesus in heaven that day! It was such a feeling, that i am still in awe that i was excited and not worried about the prospect. Now, granted, I am very, VERY glad i made it and didn't die (though i felt like i might that first day), but it is just so odd to me that i was not only okay with it, but excited. Wow, i really am saved! :-D

Now, back to why we were late to the 'Holy Land'. We were in Eureka Springs, AR, for a church trip. I went with the youth group as a chaperon (ie, person who gets a 'vacation' without sleep) and we were in the church bus. All the smart people, uh, i mean, other adults, were in a separate vehicle. Anyway, the youth pastor and I decided we would take the kids to see some sights, including Thorncrown Chapel. Thorncrown chapel is a chapel built on the side of the mountain and is completely made of glass. The interior has a stone floor and the rock walls are about two feet high, otherwise glass, save the beams. And those trees you see are not a reflection, they are on the other side of the chapel - you're looking through the glass.

So, for those of you that don't know, Eureka Springs is in the Ozark mountains. The Ozarks are not a huge or grand mountain range, but they're still mountains. Esp when you're driving without a guard rail, not even a shoulder on the road, only a few inches where they built up the road with flimsy gravel because you're on the side of a freakin' mountain and there's a drop that is straight down, and it's on your side and your sitting in a church van which is higher than most vehicles which means that you have even further to fall if the very young, inexperienced youth pastor/driver wobbles three inches to the right while he's talking to the kids and messing with radio and "could you please slow down a little, you're making me nervous and my only son is on board, sorry, thank you" and 'dear God, please forgive me of all me sins and I forgive everyone else, too (cause you gotta do that to get yours to work, and this could be the last minutes of my life, and surgery is an easier way to die, but i hadn't even had the surgery yet, so i didn't know i was excited, so work with me) and my GOSH, it is a loooooong way down there. And then it happened. We had a tire 'issue' on one of the back tires. Which is to say, there was suddenly a loud noise, slapping rubber and great concern. But immediately there was a road that was fairly level to the side, no traffic and we turned. And let me tell you, there are never roads to he side - you're on a mountain after all. And we stopped and the youth pastor got out and then he saw some fluid and yells, "everybody, out of the van!" So we did like half of a chinese fire drill and ran for the very nice large rock embankment in case it was gasoline and the van blew up. It turns out that the back tires on our 'new' used church van were retreads and the entire tread had come off, except for maybe six inches. When it did, it cut a line under the van, which turned out to happily not be fuel or brakes, but a line for the heater fluid. Here's a pic and you might be able to tell by the marks that the tread (laid out on the ground behind the tire) spun around against the side of the van and was so long, it went above the bottom edge of the windows.

And do you like the tool box with hand painted flowers? It came with the van. That shoulda been a sign. . .

Anyway, you can not understand how amazing it is that we did not go off the side of the mountain, and that there was a such a safe place for us to wait and work on the van. I have never seen this road before and i could not believe how amazingly God provided for us. I am so thankful.

OK, here's one final pic. It is called the Christ of the Ozarks. It is five stories tall, and you can see it from all the different surrounding mountains. It mostly has sentimental value, because i remember my grandaddy being excited to see it from distances.