Well, I haven't posted din a while. I have had personal situations with my mom that have been emotionally traumatic. I'm not one to be dramatic like that, but there really is no other word.
The evolution of the past 6 months is amazing. I came to realize that my mother had betrayed me (again) but this time there was no extenuating circumstance that I could make somehow justify it in a backwards way. She was just outright conniving and cut-throat. It is very difficult to realize this about a loved one, but esp your mother. It's like the most basic instinct is to want your mother and to feel that no matter what may happen, your mother will always love you. In my case, i think it was magnified by the fact that i have sacrificed so much financially and emotionally to be there for her, even after the first time she betrayed me.
I also came to realize that i have to forgive her or the anger will eat away at me. However, i don't have to be foolish and naive and let her have an opportunity to trample me again. So now, i can be civil most of the time and temporarily forget what all she has done. Big improvement!
I've been quite lonely lately. I've managed to avoid a depression through sheer determination and distracting myself with other thoughts. Facebook doesn't help. I have a lot of friends (a lot for me - 160) but it seems so shallow. I was, once again, looking up old flames. I found one - actually ran into him Taco Bell a few months back but didn't answer his phone call. I'm not sure why, but i think i was embarrassed. We didn't really date, but spent a lot of time together and on the phone. There was point where we had one physical encounter and then we basically never spoke again. Now, i've found him on facebook but i want to scream - "I'm not who i was!!!" The really good thing is it looks like he has found a meaningful relationship with God, as well. But that makes him seem even more attractive. And then I'm even more embarrassed.
And this feeling is not just with him. Sometimes when i post a scripture, i wonder if all my college friends snicker and remember some of my behaviour. I have to keep in mind this is Satan try to steal, kill, and destroy what Gos is working in my life.
Anyway, back to the point of this post. My Bible reading this morning was Lamentations 3. I found it generally depressing and so i was skimming the chapter. Then i felt bad about that, because every word in the Bible is important. So i started paying more attention. And this is what i found:
'I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore i have a hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.'
How awesome is that?!? That is me exactly - i remember and my souls is downcast. But it doesn't have to be that way! I read Psalms 103 not to long ago and had written down verse 4but i like it with verse 2 even better:
'Praise the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits. . .who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.'
I just wanted to touch base and share, so that i would not forget. I hope this can help some one else, as well.
Blessing to all.
PS A quote from St Augustine: There is no saint without a past, and no sinner without a future.
2 days ago