Today is the day after Thanksgiving. We did not celebrate Thanksgiving yesterday because i worked the night before and I came home and slept, thus the dressing did not get made. Which wouldn't have been possible because my mother didn't make the cornbread ahead of time like she said she would. But whatever. We are having Thanksgiving today, which is just as good, in my opinion. Actually, I really don't care and I'm only going to the effort for Matthew and Memo.
Having said all that to say this - I just woke up from a disturbing dream. Everything was in real time, in the present.
We were all at Memo's house. The Wisconsin Family was here, too. (In real life, they will be here tomorrow.) My mother was making cornbread and i was in there just generally waiting and helping. My mother had some little papers - from notepads and scraps and napkins. I was curious because she was guarding them so closely, keeping them with her as she moved around the kitchen.
She had her computer set up in the corner of the kitchen, which was unusual, but you never know about her. A tall black guy came in, a dumb jock type that she must'vemet at the college. Apparently we knew him because it didn't seem all that unusual. He came and sat down on a stool in front of her computer. She handed him one of the little papers and he started typing what was written. I went over and sat beside him and he sort of tried to hide the paper and what he was typing. He was slow mentally, and he didnt hide either well. He could hardly type, and it was all he could do to keep up with where he was on the paper. I finally got a good look. It was all about me and the turmoil we went thru in 2003 when i moved out with Matthew. She was still trying to build a case against me, and she was having him type part of it as a witness statement. I looked at him and leaned in and said, "did you know this is about me?" He nodded his head. I said, "This is from 10 yrs ago. You know this isn't right, don't you?" And again, he nodded. Then he continued trying to type.
I didn't know what to do. She was staying close and never moving. When he left she had the papers with her at all times again. About that time i looked out the kitchen window and i could see all four horses in the north pasture. Matthew was right, they had gotten out. I told her and she started getting kitchen stuff where she could go out and help us put them up. I went back to get Matthew out of the bathroom. I went to the front bathroom and knocked. No answer. I knocked again. I could hear someone in there, but no answer. I said something to the effect of needing Matthew cuz the horses were out. I heard a whisper. Aunt Bunny said she thought it was Susan. I knocked again, A louder whisper. Then i went to the back bathroom and Matthew was back there. I told him we had to get out and get the horses. We headed thru the house and i realized that mother had gone out just ahead and left her papers on the counter. I grabbed them and tried to take a picture. I was frantic to hurry before she remembered and came inside. I couldn't get the camera app to open. Then i was worried i wouldn't have enough space. I couldn't hold the phone still. I went into the dining room and laid the papers out, and started taking pics. Then i trashed the ones i had taken and doubled up the pics so I could be more likely to get all of them. I wanted to show in court her hand-written notes that coincided with the typed notes from the black guy and whomever else she was using. I think that's when i woke up.
So what does it all mean?
Obviously, there are unresolved issues between us about that time period. But that's no news flash, considering i just found where she was helping Rick against me. I think to me, it shows that it's new and fresh - almost as if it's happening currently. I'm sure that is contributing to my depression. Also, i think when the horses got out, and Matthew was right, it was a nod to the fact that i feel i have no control over my life. When whomever in the bathroom wouldn't answer me, i think that was indicative of me asking for help and support, and not getting any.
That was such a hard time in my life. I don't think I will ever get over it. My mother betrayed me. She betrayed me in the worst possible way - trying to have my child taken from me. It would have killed me, literally. Matthew is the only lasting thing in my life - he keeps me grounded. He's the only successful long-term relationship I've ever had. He's my purpose for trying to do better and be better. And she tried to take that from me out of selfish spite. Frankly, it was traumatic. And the worst slap in the face? She denies her role in the whole mess.
While i was proof reading and spell checking, i think i realized someing else. I said in the dream that I needed Matthew to help me with the horses (life out of control), and then later I stated how he is so important to me, for my survival. In the dream I acknowledged that by saying I needed him to help me with the horses. Even in the dream, i pointed out that they arent running, they're just grazing. So in other words, I didn't really physically need him, just emotionally. Interesting.
2 days ago