Diet, Week 6, No Loss, No Gain

But here's my rant:

OK. . . it SO annoys me when smokers tell me that i have it easy cuz i can cheat on my diet (effort) but they have to completely quit. REALLY?!? Consider this: Instead of quitting cold turkey you have to cut back drastically. You are required to smoke 3 times a day BUT you can only smoke 1/4 to 1/2 of a cigarette, you have to stop no matter how good it is to you. AND you must do this with all your friends and family while they chain smoke and blow it in your face. To further complicate matters, you can't just smoke any old cig, you have to smoke a little from a wide variety of brands and strengths and you must become an expert on all the different names for ingredients. Of course, this makes shopping take longer. And your friends and family are likely to be annoyed at some point because you delay the group smoke while you try to figure out what you can or can't have. What? You say that smoking is harder cuz it's an addiction? Welcome to my world, where food is an addiction, also. Except that I've been doing it my entire life to survive and you chose to smoke beginning at whatever age. So, please don't tell me how easy it should be for me to lose weight, cuz i"ll have to tell you how i wouldn't get hooked on smokes or have a problem quitting. Any questions?

Too little, too late

I should have written weeks ago. Somehow, even though this is a private diary, it's kinda de-motivating that nobody reads it. Ever.

Anyway, Terry had moved. She left town on Friday, July 23rd, 2010, in spite of my half-kidding requests to please stay. In spite of my denial. In spite of the fact that i had not written the letters to her that desperately needed to be put on paper. She left anyway. Everything was put in motion and couldn't be stopped, no matter what.

And now she's 800 miles away. And i'm afraid. I have a huge selfish fear that i will never see her, that our relationship will suffer and wither because of the miles. That not only will it not be the same, but it won't be as good.

Here's the deal. I know that she is married. I know her husband got a job last August that is 800 miles away. I know it's really best for her and the kids to be with their husband/father. And I know that in the big picture that best friends don't really count when it comes to life decisions. But it sucks and it doesn't keep me from being alone, afraid, sad, etc

*sobbing*

And she thinks that she has done nothing for me, that she's the only one that had benefited from this friendship?!?

*sobbing*

I miss her so much! I know this whole thing sounds corny, but it's how i feel. She taught, is teaching, me how to love through the good and bad. She has been my most successful relationship that was non-family. Actually, except for my son, she has been my most successful relationship, period. It's been 8 yrs. We've seen the good, the bad and the ugly. I almost destroyed our friendship because of my inability to deal with any turmoil in a relationship. She once told me that our friendship would be like a marriage, that we would be together through thick and thin. And SHE is the one that made that happen. She has been the only person that has loved me and been loyal to me, even thought she didn't have to. Even when i pushed her away. Even when her husband resented the time she gave me. I didn't realize that it was at those times that she chipped away and worked herself into my heart. And i feel so undeserving and that i gave her so little in return.

She has been confidant, supporter, loving critic, cheerleader, voice of reason, stability, other mother to my son, mother to my sons best friend, stability to my son (and my son), acceptance, provider of nieces and nephews, LAA (love, acceptance and approval), non-judgemental listener, great christian example, light to me in my darkness, honest opinion, generosity personified, role model, etc, etc. And i'm not over-exaggerating - i can give examples. She has showed me what is good and how to be daughter, mother, friend, wife, citizen. I wish i could have toldher in person, but i didn't have the fortitude.

I love you, Terry.

Shaken

OK, it's another dream. But i believe this one is a warning or prophetic - about the end times.

I dreamt that i was in Washington, DC. At first i thought i was on a trip, but later in the dream it seemed i lived or worked there. I actually don't think that was important, except it gave me some background to reason out things later. Just for the sake of details, I'll add that we were on the Washington mall and battling a lot of traffic. i was with friends, but not sure who. I figured out a way to ride a walker or something, because there was some mass confusion and we had been put at out at the wrong stop and had to walk.

At some point i was with the president, working in some capacity. Things were going wrong, like they were trying to overthrow him or there was chaos. But not obviously, or not enough to cause panic yet, like they were still trying to have a logical explanation. I can't remember.

I went to my apartment and i had a couple of the dogs, i think the schipperkes and a large white poodle - Macon, maybe. I had this feeling that i had to get home (this must have been a place to stay while at work). I felt i had to bring the dogs home, which i would not have normally done. The Poodle was acting strange and so i went for food and i was almost out. The dog was frantic for every morsel of food. I got the dog food sack and there was hardly any in it. I remember it was the right brand, but i was a lavender bag - Lamb and Rice. I thought, "that's odd, i never buy Lamb and Rice."

I started getting a panic and looked at the time on 'my' iPhone. It had been 45 minutes since the chaos started. I guess i still had not been sure until then. At that time my mom called and i said, "it's the end - it's started." She said that she had thought so and that's why she was calling.

It seems like i got home and we were trying to figure out what to do about the dogs, as far as feeding them or turning them loose. We were def thinking in terms of survival off grid.

OK, that's it. I know it doesn't sound like much, but i woke up in an absolute panic. I was thinking in terms of food and water for us and what to do about the animals. That i should sell the dogs and train the horses. I need ro have a plan for what to do if things break loose while i'm at work. I need to keep plenty of gas in my car at all times, when away from home, esp.

The panic went away while i checked facebook, but now it's back, just as strong. I really feel that this is a warning to get everything prepared. And it scares me. But it does occur to me that if God would give me a warning, then he will surely take care of me.

God is so good!

Well, I haven't posted din a while. I have had personal situations with my mom that have been emotionally traumatic. I'm not one to be dramatic like that, but there really is no other word.

The evolution of the past 6 months is amazing. I came to realize that my mother had betrayed me (again) but this time there was no extenuating circumstance that I could make somehow justify it in a backwards way. She was just outright conniving and cut-throat. It is very difficult to realize this about a loved one, but esp your mother. It's like the most basic instinct is to want your mother and to feel that no matter what may happen, your mother will always love you. In my case, i think it was magnified by the fact that i have sacrificed so much financially and emotionally to be there for her, even after the first time she betrayed me.

I also came to realize that i have to forgive her or the anger will eat away at me. However, i don't have to be foolish and naive and let her have an opportunity to trample me again. So now, i can be civil most of the time and temporarily forget what all she has done. Big improvement!

I've been quite lonely lately. I've managed to avoid a depression through sheer determination and distracting myself with other thoughts. Facebook doesn't help. I have a lot of friends (a lot for me - 160) but it seems so shallow. I was, once again, looking up old flames. I found one - actually ran into him Taco Bell a few months back but didn't answer his phone call. I'm not sure why, but i think i was embarrassed. We didn't really date, but spent a lot of time together and on the phone. There was point where we had one physical encounter and then we basically never spoke again. Now, i've found him on facebook but i want to scream - "I'm not who i was!!!" The really good thing is it looks like he has found a meaningful relationship with God, as well. But that makes him seem even more attractive. And then I'm even more embarrassed.

And this feeling is not just with him. Sometimes when i post a scripture, i wonder if all my college friends snicker and remember some of my behaviour. I have to keep in mind this is Satan try to steal, kill, and destroy what Gos is working in my life.

Anyway, back to the point of this post. My Bible reading this morning was Lamentations 3. I found it generally depressing and so i was skimming the chapter. Then i felt bad about that, because every word in the Bible is important. So i started paying more attention. And this is what i found:

Lamentations 3:19-21

'I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore i have a hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.'

How awesome is that?!? That is me exactly - i remember and my souls is downcast. But it doesn't have to be that way! I read Psalms 103 not to long ago and had written down verse 4but i like it with verse 2 even better:

'Praise the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits. . .who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.'

I just wanted to touch base and share, so that i would not forget. I hope this can help some one else, as well.

Blessing to all.

PS A quote from St Augustine: There is no saint without a past, and no sinner without a future.

(Not So) Merry Christmas!

I know Christians are supposed to be super happy around this time of year. And I really am so thankful that God sent his sent his on to me, for me. Just sometimes life gets so in the way, I'm just so sad. All I really want is love, is that so much to ask? It seems apparent that it is. And i know God loves me and this is not what He wants for my life - too feel this way. But my human nature wants a human to love me. I'm not even asking for unconditional, just really love me and take into acct my humanity. That i'm not perfect, but i will try my best to be. But it's just so hard when you feel like all that you've done for 37 yrs is try to be a good daughter and granddaughter, and it's rewarded by being alone and treated like the stepchild. When your own mother knocks you down and keeps you down, what can you expect from anyone else? My son is the truest love i've ever known. Of course, i can't burden him with my unhappiness. And he will be grown in a few years and leave, which is what he's supposed to do. But then i'll be really alone. I feel like i'm pushing him out the door, but it breaks my heart to do it. i just don't know how long i can keep going like this, physically and emotionally. Yesterday, i just wanted to let myself breakdown. i even thought it would be kinda nice to be checked in somewhere and not have to worry about life anymore. But that would be abandoning my son the same way my mother has done me. I'm determined that he always know how much i love him and that his mom is always there for him. it would help if i had someone to talk to. I tried to talk to Terry, but she didn't say anything and she's busy. I apologized for whining, and she said ok, so i guess to her i'm just whining. I called Richard and he's too busy to talk right now and he never called me back, so there you go. I called Tammy and her son was up and busy so she could only half listen, and when i apologized for complaining and taking her time she said, ok. I just want someone to say, "i would be upset, too." Everyone's too busy with the Christmas spirit to worry about someone that's upset. I kept thinking about the hank williams song, but i had the words wrong, but it described my feelings - "I'm so lonesome i I could die." I feel like i'm dying of loneliness. Is there anyone out there that can care for me?

More Dreams, Anyone?

I tried to post this from e-mail on Aug 10th since i can't access the blog from one of my jobs. It didn't work.

okay, I've been having weird dreams - with a capital CRAZY! All last week i was worn out because i was dreaming weird stuff and it was waking me up in the middle of the night. I can't really remember those, except one was about Richard, one was about Terry (i woke myself up laughing), and another i was talking in my sleep about tamales (have i mentioned i love Mexican food?!?).

Well tonight i was taking a nap before work and was awakened by my co-worker calling because i had set the alarm for am, not pm (oops!). This is the dream i was having: I had to go out to the country where we used to live (in dreamland, not real life). Problem was, the car (or van?) wouldn't go forward, only backwards, and i felt pressured by traffic. So i did what any one would do - i drove in reverse! i was quickly in the country and up to 55 or 60 mph, and then there was construction, so the the road made a slight detour off pavement onto clay. I kept going at the same rate of speed - still in reverse. At some point it became dark. I can't explain the headlights, but i could see. I guess my son was with me, cuz when we got there he went in with me to check his stuff. He came back upset cuz one of his Thomas characters was missing. i explained i had taken it home, so it was OK (why i took one of 50-ish, i don't know. and why he cared at 14yo, who knows?). Then my son got a call from an ICU nurse (Robbie) friend of mine and she was sorry he couldn't go to the zoo with the group, but she was determined to describe the big cat exhibit in detail. (???) Then i was outside calling my mom and trying to tell her where we were so she could come pick us up (like she wouldn't know where we used to live). i was looking at mail box numbers and i couldn't see ours or remember it but the neighbors were 636 (?) and then i saw ours was something like 4643 (a big jump in numbers!). Then she was there and we got in her van which was a big work type of van and i was sitting on the floor in the back thinking about how the thin rubber mat didn't cushion as well as the mat in my vehicle. I was looking out the left side wondering why they designed it with the transmission in the middle on the side, requiring a big bulge out of the body of the van. Then my phone rang. Pretty much, the most significant part to me was the driving backwards at a high rate of speed. Do i feel like I'm regressing in life? Well, with my depression lately, i certainly feel like a bit of a failure. It's prob also significant that i was going back to a place we used to live. In real life, i do miss my old town that we moved from last year.

Thoughts, anyone? Hellooooooo?!?

Strange, really. . .

Isn't it odd how one's sense of worth can almost be tied with the quantity (or lack, thereof) of comments. Why is that validation so sought after?

I wanted an anonymous blog - i got one!

;-)