. . . I Don't Know If I Can Do Right

Tracy Chapman's song reverberates in my mind. . .

At this point in my life
I’ve done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won’t let you down
If you give me a chance I’ll try
You see it’s been a hard road the road I’m traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I’ve had a hard life I’m just saying it so you’ll understand
That right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can

At this point in my life
Although I’ve mostly walked in the shadows
I’m still searching for the light
Won’t you put your faith in me
We both know that’s what matters
If you give me a chance I’ll try
You see I’ve been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I’ve been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I’ve conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now I’m doing the best I can
At this point in my life

Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I’ve seen and all I’ve done
The things I’d like to forget

At this point in my life
I’d like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it

You see when I’ve touched the sky
The earth’s gravity has pulled me down
But now I’ve reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I’ll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life
At this point in my life


I just feel so sad. I don't know why, really. I know that I'm blessed, I don't deny that. It's just a pervasive sadness that's always in the background of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's worse because I'm exhausted.

Last weekend co-workers Michael and Leigh were talking about their respective proposals and marriages. So, they were talking and reliving and comparing. Michael is even going to repropose because he doesn't think his wife had a good-enough proposal experience the first time.

I always eagerly listen to these stories from people, per chance to find the magic formula that worked for them, and perhaps may work for me? I want details of how they met, how long they dated, when they knew this person was "The One" and how the details of the proposal went. I guess you could say that for that moment i live vicariously through them.

Then the conversation is over and they walk away, and I'm right back in my lonely confused world. I was so sad. I ~am~ so sad. I'm sad every time (why do continue to torture myself?), but i was overwhelmingly sad last week. I had to get busy and distract myself, and yet, it was there - sadness. I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry. But why? To wallow in pity? To question God? To blame my mother? To hate myself? What's the point?

I want to be child-like and beg God day and night for a wonderful husband and companion. And i want to point out that's it's not entirely selfish. I want to be a good wife to someone, no matter how hard it may be. But what if it's not God's plan for me? What if i beg and whine so he gives it to me? Will I be happy then?

Or what if it ~is~ God's plan but I'm such a distrusting screw-up that I've passed him by? Do you get a second (or 22nd) chance?

I really try not to think about it. Ever. And when I do, I'm trying to have an attitude of trust and faith. But does that mean I do nothing to pursue? I don't think so, but how far is too far for me to try to make it happen? Do I join an Internet dating site? If so, do I just have an ad, but never contact anyone, instead waiting for God to direct them to me? Or can I contact people? I don't have a great track record, so maybe I should just wait. On the other hand, I don't attract the best sort. . . All so confusing.

I have no answers. And I don't think anyone does. And about that time that have my emotions tidied up something hits me out of the clear blue. Like Karen talking about a funeral, and who she knows that knows this person. And how the girl got pregnant. Then that reminds me of something related to my experience. And then i think about how i should have married Daniel. HE obviously has the ability to stay married, seemingly happy. I obviously have problems. And if i had married him, Matthew would have his daddy.

And there it is - my overwhelming sadness.

And I wouldn't have all these issues with my family in my face, b/c married people have someone in their corner. They get more respect, on an individual basis, and from society as a whole.

Michael posted a quote for his wife on FB -

The fundamental guarantee of marriage is the feeling that you are worthwhile, that you cannot be replaced, that your partner needs you, that you are acting well, you are a fellow human being and a true friend. But comrades must be equal, for when people are equal they will always find a way to settle their difficulties. - Alfred Adler.

That's what's missing. I have nobody to take up for me, nobody that finds me irreplaceable. I don't feel that basic human validation of marriage that says I'm worth committing to and sacrificing for, that I'm worthwhile.

I hate that I need it so desperately.

Desperately.

But Wait, There's More!

As if my life weren't emotional and dramatic enough already. . .

Tonight I finally told my son that his father and I were never married.

speechless. . .

I've cried and laughed and cried some more for 2 days. I may cry now.

Today is Wednesday. I found out Monday that my father loved me after all.

*crying*

Diet, Week 6, No Loss, No Gain

But here's my rant:

OK. . . it SO annoys me when smokers tell me that i have it easy cuz i can cheat on my diet (effort) but they have to completely quit. REALLY?!? Consider this: Instead of quitting cold turkey you have to cut back drastically. You are required to smoke 3 times a day BUT you can only smoke 1/4 to 1/2 of a cigarette, you have to stop no matter how good it is to you. AND you must do this with all your friends and family while they chain smoke and blow it in your face. To further complicate matters, you can't just smoke any old cig, you have to smoke a little from a wide variety of brands and strengths and you must become an expert on all the different names for ingredients. Of course, this makes shopping take longer. And your friends and family are likely to be annoyed at some point because you delay the group smoke while you try to figure out what you can or can't have. What? You say that smoking is harder cuz it's an addiction? Welcome to my world, where food is an addiction, also. Except that I've been doing it my entire life to survive and you chose to smoke beginning at whatever age. So, please don't tell me how easy it should be for me to lose weight, cuz i"ll have to tell you how i wouldn't get hooked on smokes or have a problem quitting. Any questions?

Too little, too late

I should have written weeks ago. Somehow, even though this is a private diary, it's kinda de-motivating that nobody reads it. Ever.

Anyway, Terry had moved. She left town on Friday, July 23rd, 2010, in spite of my half-kidding requests to please stay. In spite of my denial. In spite of the fact that i had not written the letters to her that desperately needed to be put on paper. She left anyway. Everything was put in motion and couldn't be stopped, no matter what.

And now she's 800 miles away. And i'm afraid. I have a huge selfish fear that i will never see her, that our relationship will suffer and wither because of the miles. That not only will it not be the same, but it won't be as good.

Here's the deal. I know that she is married. I know her husband got a job last August that is 800 miles away. I know it's really best for her and the kids to be with their husband/father. And I know that in the big picture that best friends don't really count when it comes to life decisions. But it sucks and it doesn't keep me from being alone, afraid, sad, etc

*sobbing*

And she thinks that she has done nothing for me, that she's the only one that had benefited from this friendship?!?

*sobbing*

I miss her so much! I know this whole thing sounds corny, but it's how i feel. She taught, is teaching, me how to love through the good and bad. She has been my most successful relationship that was non-family. Actually, except for my son, she has been my most successful relationship, period. It's been 8 yrs. We've seen the good, the bad and the ugly. I almost destroyed our friendship because of my inability to deal with any turmoil in a relationship. She once told me that our friendship would be like a marriage, that we would be together through thick and thin. And SHE is the one that made that happen. She has been the only person that has loved me and been loyal to me, even thought she didn't have to. Even when i pushed her away. Even when her husband resented the time she gave me. I didn't realize that it was at those times that she chipped away and worked herself into my heart. And i feel so undeserving and that i gave her so little in return.

She has been confidant, supporter, loving critic, cheerleader, voice of reason, stability, other mother to my son, mother to my sons best friend, stability to my son (and my son), acceptance, provider of nieces and nephews, LAA (love, acceptance and approval), non-judgemental listener, great christian example, light to me in my darkness, honest opinion, generosity personified, role model, etc, etc. And i'm not over-exaggerating - i can give examples. She has showed me what is good and how to be daughter, mother, friend, wife, citizen. I wish i could have toldher in person, but i didn't have the fortitude.

I love you, Terry.

Shaken

OK, it's another dream. But i believe this one is a warning or prophetic - about the end times.

I dreamt that i was in Washington, DC. At first i thought i was on a trip, but later in the dream it seemed i lived or worked there. I actually don't think that was important, except it gave me some background to reason out things later. Just for the sake of details, I'll add that we were on the Washington mall and battling a lot of traffic. i was with friends, but not sure who. I figured out a way to ride a walker or something, because there was some mass confusion and we had been put at out at the wrong stop and had to walk.

At some point i was with the president, working in some capacity. Things were going wrong, like they were trying to overthrow him or there was chaos. But not obviously, or not enough to cause panic yet, like they were still trying to have a logical explanation. I can't remember.

I went to my apartment and i had a couple of the dogs, i think the schipperkes and a large white poodle - Macon, maybe. I had this feeling that i had to get home (this must have been a place to stay while at work). I felt i had to bring the dogs home, which i would not have normally done. The Poodle was acting strange and so i went for food and i was almost out. The dog was frantic for every morsel of food. I got the dog food sack and there was hardly any in it. I remember it was the right brand, but i was a lavender bag - Lamb and Rice. I thought, "that's odd, i never buy Lamb and Rice."

I started getting a panic and looked at the time on 'my' iPhone. It had been 45 minutes since the chaos started. I guess i still had not been sure until then. At that time my mom called and i said, "it's the end - it's started." She said that she had thought so and that's why she was calling.

It seems like i got home and we were trying to figure out what to do about the dogs, as far as feeding them or turning them loose. We were def thinking in terms of survival off grid.

OK, that's it. I know it doesn't sound like much, but i woke up in an absolute panic. I was thinking in terms of food and water for us and what to do about the animals. That i should sell the dogs and train the horses. I need ro have a plan for what to do if things break loose while i'm at work. I need to keep plenty of gas in my car at all times, when away from home, esp.

The panic went away while i checked facebook, but now it's back, just as strong. I really feel that this is a warning to get everything prepared. And it scares me. But it does occur to me that if God would give me a warning, then he will surely take care of me.

God is so good!

Well, I haven't posted din a while. I have had personal situations with my mom that have been emotionally traumatic. I'm not one to be dramatic like that, but there really is no other word.

The evolution of the past 6 months is amazing. I came to realize that my mother had betrayed me (again) but this time there was no extenuating circumstance that I could make somehow justify it in a backwards way. She was just outright conniving and cut-throat. It is very difficult to realize this about a loved one, but esp your mother. It's like the most basic instinct is to want your mother and to feel that no matter what may happen, your mother will always love you. In my case, i think it was magnified by the fact that i have sacrificed so much financially and emotionally to be there for her, even after the first time she betrayed me.

I also came to realize that i have to forgive her or the anger will eat away at me. However, i don't have to be foolish and naive and let her have an opportunity to trample me again. So now, i can be civil most of the time and temporarily forget what all she has done. Big improvement!

I've been quite lonely lately. I've managed to avoid a depression through sheer determination and distracting myself with other thoughts. Facebook doesn't help. I have a lot of friends (a lot for me - 160) but it seems so shallow. I was, once again, looking up old flames. I found one - actually ran into him Taco Bell a few months back but didn't answer his phone call. I'm not sure why, but i think i was embarrassed. We didn't really date, but spent a lot of time together and on the phone. There was point where we had one physical encounter and then we basically never spoke again. Now, i've found him on facebook but i want to scream - "I'm not who i was!!!" The really good thing is it looks like he has found a meaningful relationship with God, as well. But that makes him seem even more attractive. And then I'm even more embarrassed.

And this feeling is not just with him. Sometimes when i post a scripture, i wonder if all my college friends snicker and remember some of my behaviour. I have to keep in mind this is Satan try to steal, kill, and destroy what Gos is working in my life.

Anyway, back to the point of this post. My Bible reading this morning was Lamentations 3. I found it generally depressing and so i was skimming the chapter. Then i felt bad about that, because every word in the Bible is important. So i started paying more attention. And this is what i found:

Lamentations 3:19-21

'I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore i have a hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.'

How awesome is that?!? That is me exactly - i remember and my souls is downcast. But it doesn't have to be that way! I read Psalms 103 not to long ago and had written down verse 4but i like it with verse 2 even better:

'Praise the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits. . .who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.'

I just wanted to touch base and share, so that i would not forget. I hope this can help some one else, as well.

Blessing to all.

PS A quote from St Augustine: There is no saint without a past, and no sinner without a future.