10 Years Later

Today is the day after Thanksgiving.  We did not celebrate Thanksgiving yesterday because i worked the night before and I came home and slept, thus the dressing did not get made.  Which wouldn't have been possible because my mother didn't make the cornbread ahead of time like she said she would.  But whatever.  We are having Thanksgiving today, which is just as good, in my opinion.  Actually, I really don't care and I'm only going to the effort for Matthew and Memo.

Having said all that to say this - I just woke up from a disturbing dream.  Everything was in real time, in the present.

We were all at Memo's house.  The Wisconsin Family was here, too.  (In real life, they will be here tomorrow.)  My mother was making cornbread and i was in there just generally waiting and helping.  My mother had some little papers - from notepads and scraps and napkins.  I was curious because she was guarding them so closely, keeping them with her as she moved around the kitchen.

She had her computer set up in the corner of the kitchen, which was unusual, but you never know about her.  A tall black guy came in, a dumb jock type that she must'vemet at the college.  Apparently we knew him because it didn't seem all that unusual.  He came and sat down on a stool in front of her computer.  She handed him one of the little papers and he started typing what was written.  I went over and sat beside him and he sort of tried to hide the paper and what he was typing. He was slow mentally, and he didnt hide either well.  He could hardly type, and it was all he could do to keep up with where he was on the paper. I finally got a good look.  It was all about me and the turmoil we went thru in 2003 when i moved out with Matthew.  She was still trying to build a case against me, and she was having him type part of it as a witness statement.  I looked at him and leaned in and said, "did you know this is about me?" He nodded his head.  I said, "This is from 10 yrs ago.  You know this isn't right, don't you?" And again, he nodded.  Then he continued trying to type.

I didn't know what to do.  She was staying close and never moving.  When he left she had the papers with her at all times again.  About that time i looked out the kitchen window and i could see all four horses in the north pasture.  Matthew was right, they had gotten out.  I told her and she started getting kitchen stuff where she could go out and help us put them up.  I went back to get Matthew out of the bathroom.  I went to the front bathroom and knocked.  No answer. I knocked again.  I could hear someone in there, but no answer.  I said something to the effect of needing Matthew cuz the horses were out.  I heard a whisper.  Aunt Bunny said she thought it was Susan.  I knocked again, A louder whisper.  Then i went to the back bathroom and Matthew was back there.  I told him we had to get out and get the horses.  We headed thru the house and i realized that mother had gone out just ahead and left her papers on the counter.  I grabbed them and tried to take a picture.  I was frantic to hurry before she remembered and came inside.  I couldn't get the camera app to open.  Then i was worried i wouldn't have enough space.  I couldn't hold the phone still.  I went into the dining room and laid the papers out, and started taking pics.  Then i trashed the ones i had taken and doubled up the pics so  I could be more likely to get all of them.  I wanted to show in court her hand-written notes that coincided with the typed notes from the black guy and whomever else she was using.  I think that's when i woke up.

So what does it all mean?

Obviously, there are unresolved issues between us about that time period.  But that's no news flash, considering i just found where she was helping Rick against me.  I think to me, it shows that it's new and fresh - almost as if it's happening currently.  I'm sure that is contributing to my depression.  Also, i think when the horses got out, and Matthew was right, it was a nod to the fact that i feel i have no control over my life.  When whomever in the bathroom wouldn't answer me, i think that was indicative of me asking for help and support, and not getting any.

That was such a hard time in my life.  I don't think I will ever get over it.  My mother betrayed me.  She betrayed me in the worst possible way - trying to have my child taken from me.  It would have killed me, literally.  Matthew is the only lasting thing in my life - he keeps me grounded.  He's the only successful long-term relationship I've ever had.  He's my purpose for trying to do better and be better.  And she tried to take that from me out of selfish spite.  Frankly, it was traumatic. And the worst slap in the face?  She denies her role in the whole mess.

While i was proof reading and spell checking, i think i realized someing else.  I said in the dream that I needed Matthew to help me with the horses (life out of control), and then later I stated how he is so important to me, for my survival.  In the dream I acknowledged that by saying I needed him to help me with the horses.  Even in the dream, i pointed out that they arent running, they're just grazing.  So in other words, I didn't really physically need him, just emotionally.  Interesting.

Shaken

OK, it's another dream. But i believe this one is a warning or prophetic - about the end times.

I dreamt that i was in Washington, DC. At first i thought i was on a trip, but later in the dream it seemed i lived or worked there. I actually don't think that was important, except it gave me some background to reason out things later. Just for the sake of details, I'll add that we were on the Washington mall and battling a lot of traffic. i was with friends, but not sure who. I figured out a way to ride a walker or something, because there was some mass confusion and we had been put at out at the wrong stop and had to walk.

At some point i was with the president, working in some capacity. Things were going wrong, like they were trying to overthrow him or there was chaos. But not obviously, or not enough to cause panic yet, like they were still trying to have a logical explanation. I can't remember.

I went to my apartment and i had a couple of the dogs, i think the schipperkes and a large white poodle - Macon, maybe. I had this feeling that i had to get home (this must have been a place to stay while at work). I felt i had to bring the dogs home, which i would not have normally done. The Poodle was acting strange and so i went for food and i was almost out. The dog was frantic for every morsel of food. I got the dog food sack and there was hardly any in it. I remember it was the right brand, but i was a lavender bag - Lamb and Rice. I thought, "that's odd, i never buy Lamb and Rice."

I started getting a panic and looked at the time on 'my' iPhone. It had been 45 minutes since the chaos started. I guess i still had not been sure until then. At that time my mom called and i said, "it's the end - it's started." She said that she had thought so and that's why she was calling.

It seems like i got home and we were trying to figure out what to do about the dogs, as far as feeding them or turning them loose. We were def thinking in terms of survival off grid.

OK, that's it. I know it doesn't sound like much, but i woke up in an absolute panic. I was thinking in terms of food and water for us and what to do about the animals. That i should sell the dogs and train the horses. I need ro have a plan for what to do if things break loose while i'm at work. I need to keep plenty of gas in my car at all times, when away from home, esp.

The panic went away while i checked facebook, but now it's back, just as strong. I really feel that this is a warning to get everything prepared. And it scares me. But it does occur to me that if God would give me a warning, then he will surely take care of me.

More Dreams, Anyone?

I tried to post this from e-mail on Aug 10th since i can't access the blog from one of my jobs. It didn't work.

okay, I've been having weird dreams - with a capital CRAZY! All last week i was worn out because i was dreaming weird stuff and it was waking me up in the middle of the night. I can't really remember those, except one was about Richard, one was about Terry (i woke myself up laughing), and another i was talking in my sleep about tamales (have i mentioned i love Mexican food?!?).

Well tonight i was taking a nap before work and was awakened by my co-worker calling because i had set the alarm for am, not pm (oops!). This is the dream i was having: I had to go out to the country where we used to live (in dreamland, not real life). Problem was, the car (or van?) wouldn't go forward, only backwards, and i felt pressured by traffic. So i did what any one would do - i drove in reverse! i was quickly in the country and up to 55 or 60 mph, and then there was construction, so the the road made a slight detour off pavement onto clay. I kept going at the same rate of speed - still in reverse. At some point it became dark. I can't explain the headlights, but i could see. I guess my son was with me, cuz when we got there he went in with me to check his stuff. He came back upset cuz one of his Thomas characters was missing. i explained i had taken it home, so it was OK (why i took one of 50-ish, i don't know. and why he cared at 14yo, who knows?). Then my son got a call from an ICU nurse (Robbie) friend of mine and she was sorry he couldn't go to the zoo with the group, but she was determined to describe the big cat exhibit in detail. (???) Then i was outside calling my mom and trying to tell her where we were so she could come pick us up (like she wouldn't know where we used to live). i was looking at mail box numbers and i couldn't see ours or remember it but the neighbors were 636 (?) and then i saw ours was something like 4643 (a big jump in numbers!). Then she was there and we got in her van which was a big work type of van and i was sitting on the floor in the back thinking about how the thin rubber mat didn't cushion as well as the mat in my vehicle. I was looking out the left side wondering why they designed it with the transmission in the middle on the side, requiring a big bulge out of the body of the van. Then my phone rang. Pretty much, the most significant part to me was the driving backwards at a high rate of speed. Do i feel like I'm regressing in life? Well, with my depression lately, i certainly feel like a bit of a failure. It's prob also significant that i was going back to a place we used to live. In real life, i do miss my old town that we moved from last year.

Thoughts, anyone? Hellooooooo?!?

What a Start!

I've been wanting to start a blog and put my story out there.

Problem is, I don't necessarily want people to know who i am, esp when they learn all my gory details. (maybe by 'people', i mean my family. . . ?) I want it to be totally anonymous so i can write about any and everything. But funny thing is, i have this fear that no one will ever read it. And while i don't want my mother to read it, i still want her to. For like an approval thing. At 36. How sad. . .

So then i had to think of a name. Would it be the street i grew up on (Saxony) Would it be my first pets name (Sweet Pea), or - you guessed it - my 'p*rn star name' (Saxony Sweet Pea). See, already i don't want my mother reading this. ;-) (it was a joke, with a long story - later!) I figured everything witty was taken. Plus, I'm not very creative. so, my blog has been lingering in my mind for several months now. Then it happened.

I had a dream. . .

ok, not that big. . . but really.

I was dreaming this morning on my one morning to get to sleep in. I was in the middle of quite a symbolic dream when my boss called and told me HR approved the raise i requested (small, inside little dance). When i hung up, i started thinking about this dream and i thought, "if i had a blog i would post this and get it out of my system, 'cause mark my words. . . " "Hey, that would be a good blog name. Someone's prob got that. I could check." Well, by the time i made it to my computer i was already thinking about my life and, oh my word, so i checked and here i am with an even more emphatic variation.

So , here's my dream. . .

A bunch of people, including my mother, were at the hospital where i work. It was a break time so we got in my car (my old Cutlass Supreme - loved that car!) and went down to the creek that adjoins the property. It was myself, my mother and two people she knew. We were all on the front row and i was in the middle - next to the end on the right. In other words, i wasn't driving my own car. In the front it was these 2 people, then me and then my mother.

We were watching the creek and talking and one of them asked if they could smoke and my mother told them it was okay! She doesn't even smoke, and it wasn't her car, and she said ok - but very sheepishly, almost like my ds was there - but he wasn't. (i added that part, cause don't people bore you with the details of their dream? but it's my dream, my blog, so there you go.) BTW, the creek did this sudden rise because it had been raining quite a bit on the other side of the hospital. Like that was enough for a rush of water. . .

Anyway, then this creep of a guy that works EVS (for real, and he is creepy) came up and my mother was encouraging him and i was trying to get her to let him go, leave him alone so he would leave and she totally blew me off and kept talking to him. I tried to explain that he creeps me out, but she ignored it.

Then we had to go back to the hospital and were driving over (again not me - i think it was her) and she started talking about going to Wisconsin to see this man she,s been talking to, and i asked what car she was taking, because she never drives her own (she's working that system good) She said she was planning on taking mine and i said i don't think so. She said she would ask grandaddy (he bought it) and i reminded her that he gave me the full title and it was my car and she wasn't taking it under any circumstances. Then we looked up (we were driving all this time) and we come to a wide drive/entrance to a parking lot and there's someone standing in the middle directing traffic. It was grandmother, in her present condition (86, and a bit stooped and wobbly). She was wearing her little denim pants set with the red medallion shirt and doing all the hand signal for the traffic (now if that's not symbolic, i don't know what is!)

About that time my boss called and woke me up. Aren't you glad?

There was more about the interaction with the creepy guy, but i can't remember now. Again, aren't you glad?

Any comments, however long after the post, would be much appreciated. Dream analysis fascinates me. I know we've already got my mom backseat driving (from the passengers side, and later blatantly driving), and totally disregarding my values (the smoking, the creep). We've got my grandmother directing things, even though she's frail. (and how odd that she was in her pants set, she always wears a dress. ohh, maybe she had the more masculine pants because grandaddy's gone and now she's directing things. . . )

See, i really love it. Write me so i know someone is reading this.


(crickets chirping)

mmBye-bye