. . . I Don't Know If I Can Do Right

Tracy Chapman's song reverberates in my mind. . .

At this point in my life
I’ve done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won’t let you down
If you give me a chance I’ll try
You see it’s been a hard road the road I’m traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I’ve had a hard life I’m just saying it so you’ll understand
That right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can

At this point in my life
Although I’ve mostly walked in the shadows
I’m still searching for the light
Won’t you put your faith in me
We both know that’s what matters
If you give me a chance I’ll try
You see I’ve been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I’ve been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I’ve conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now I’m doing the best I can
At this point in my life

Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I’ve seen and all I’ve done
The things I’d like to forget

At this point in my life
I’d like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it

You see when I’ve touched the sky
The earth’s gravity has pulled me down
But now I’ve reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I’ll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life
At this point in my life


I just feel so sad. I don't know why, really. I know that I'm blessed, I don't deny that. It's just a pervasive sadness that's always in the background of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's worse because I'm exhausted.

Last weekend co-workers Michael and Leigh were talking about their respective proposals and marriages. So, they were talking and reliving and comparing. Michael is even going to repropose because he doesn't think his wife had a good-enough proposal experience the first time.

I always eagerly listen to these stories from people, per chance to find the magic formula that worked for them, and perhaps may work for me? I want details of how they met, how long they dated, when they knew this person was "The One" and how the details of the proposal went. I guess you could say that for that moment i live vicariously through them.

Then the conversation is over and they walk away, and I'm right back in my lonely confused world. I was so sad. I ~am~ so sad. I'm sad every time (why do continue to torture myself?), but i was overwhelmingly sad last week. I had to get busy and distract myself, and yet, it was there - sadness. I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry. But why? To wallow in pity? To question God? To blame my mother? To hate myself? What's the point?

I want to be child-like and beg God day and night for a wonderful husband and companion. And i want to point out that's it's not entirely selfish. I want to be a good wife to someone, no matter how hard it may be. But what if it's not God's plan for me? What if i beg and whine so he gives it to me? Will I be happy then?

Or what if it ~is~ God's plan but I'm such a distrusting screw-up that I've passed him by? Do you get a second (or 22nd) chance?

I really try not to think about it. Ever. And when I do, I'm trying to have an attitude of trust and faith. But does that mean I do nothing to pursue? I don't think so, but how far is too far for me to try to make it happen? Do I join an Internet dating site? If so, do I just have an ad, but never contact anyone, instead waiting for God to direct them to me? Or can I contact people? I don't have a great track record, so maybe I should just wait. On the other hand, I don't attract the best sort. . . All so confusing.

I have no answers. And I don't think anyone does. And about that time that have my emotions tidied up something hits me out of the clear blue. Like Karen talking about a funeral, and who she knows that knows this person. And how the girl got pregnant. Then that reminds me of something related to my experience. And then i think about how i should have married Daniel. HE obviously has the ability to stay married, seemingly happy. I obviously have problems. And if i had married him, Matthew would have his daddy.

And there it is - my overwhelming sadness.

And I wouldn't have all these issues with my family in my face, b/c married people have someone in their corner. They get more respect, on an individual basis, and from society as a whole.

Michael posted a quote for his wife on FB -

The fundamental guarantee of marriage is the feeling that you are worthwhile, that you cannot be replaced, that your partner needs you, that you are acting well, you are a fellow human being and a true friend. But comrades must be equal, for when people are equal they will always find a way to settle their difficulties. - Alfred Adler.

That's what's missing. I have nobody to take up for me, nobody that finds me irreplaceable. I don't feel that basic human validation of marriage that says I'm worth committing to and sacrificing for, that I'm worthwhile.

I hate that I need it so desperately.

Desperately.

Diet, Week 6, No Loss, No Gain

But here's my rant:

OK. . . it SO annoys me when smokers tell me that i have it easy cuz i can cheat on my diet (effort) but they have to completely quit. REALLY?!? Consider this: Instead of quitting cold turkey you have to cut back drastically. You are required to smoke 3 times a day BUT you can only smoke 1/4 to 1/2 of a cigarette, you have to stop no matter how good it is to you. AND you must do this with all your friends and family while they chain smoke and blow it in your face. To further complicate matters, you can't just smoke any old cig, you have to smoke a little from a wide variety of brands and strengths and you must become an expert on all the different names for ingredients. Of course, this makes shopping take longer. And your friends and family are likely to be annoyed at some point because you delay the group smoke while you try to figure out what you can or can't have. What? You say that smoking is harder cuz it's an addiction? Welcome to my world, where food is an addiction, also. Except that I've been doing it my entire life to survive and you chose to smoke beginning at whatever age. So, please don't tell me how easy it should be for me to lose weight, cuz i"ll have to tell you how i wouldn't get hooked on smokes or have a problem quitting. Any questions?

Too little, too late

I should have written weeks ago. Somehow, even though this is a private diary, it's kinda de-motivating that nobody reads it. Ever.

Anyway, Terry had moved. She left town on Friday, July 23rd, 2010, in spite of my half-kidding requests to please stay. In spite of my denial. In spite of the fact that i had not written the letters to her that desperately needed to be put on paper. She left anyway. Everything was put in motion and couldn't be stopped, no matter what.

And now she's 800 miles away. And i'm afraid. I have a huge selfish fear that i will never see her, that our relationship will suffer and wither because of the miles. That not only will it not be the same, but it won't be as good.

Here's the deal. I know that she is married. I know her husband got a job last August that is 800 miles away. I know it's really best for her and the kids to be with their husband/father. And I know that in the big picture that best friends don't really count when it comes to life decisions. But it sucks and it doesn't keep me from being alone, afraid, sad, etc

*sobbing*

And she thinks that she has done nothing for me, that she's the only one that had benefited from this friendship?!?

*sobbing*

I miss her so much! I know this whole thing sounds corny, but it's how i feel. She taught, is teaching, me how to love through the good and bad. She has been my most successful relationship that was non-family. Actually, except for my son, she has been my most successful relationship, period. It's been 8 yrs. We've seen the good, the bad and the ugly. I almost destroyed our friendship because of my inability to deal with any turmoil in a relationship. She once told me that our friendship would be like a marriage, that we would be together through thick and thin. And SHE is the one that made that happen. She has been the only person that has loved me and been loyal to me, even thought she didn't have to. Even when i pushed her away. Even when her husband resented the time she gave me. I didn't realize that it was at those times that she chipped away and worked herself into my heart. And i feel so undeserving and that i gave her so little in return.

She has been confidant, supporter, loving critic, cheerleader, voice of reason, stability, other mother to my son, mother to my sons best friend, stability to my son (and my son), acceptance, provider of nieces and nephews, LAA (love, acceptance and approval), non-judgemental listener, great christian example, light to me in my darkness, honest opinion, generosity personified, role model, etc, etc. And i'm not over-exaggerating - i can give examples. She has showed me what is good and how to be daughter, mother, friend, wife, citizen. I wish i could have toldher in person, but i didn't have the fortitude.

I love you, Terry.

(Not So) Merry Christmas!

I know Christians are supposed to be super happy around this time of year. And I really am so thankful that God sent his sent his on to me, for me. Just sometimes life gets so in the way, I'm just so sad. All I really want is love, is that so much to ask? It seems apparent that it is. And i know God loves me and this is not what He wants for my life - too feel this way. But my human nature wants a human to love me. I'm not even asking for unconditional, just really love me and take into acct my humanity. That i'm not perfect, but i will try my best to be. But it's just so hard when you feel like all that you've done for 37 yrs is try to be a good daughter and granddaughter, and it's rewarded by being alone and treated like the stepchild. When your own mother knocks you down and keeps you down, what can you expect from anyone else? My son is the truest love i've ever known. Of course, i can't burden him with my unhappiness. And he will be grown in a few years and leave, which is what he's supposed to do. But then i'll be really alone. I feel like i'm pushing him out the door, but it breaks my heart to do it. i just don't know how long i can keep going like this, physically and emotionally. Yesterday, i just wanted to let myself breakdown. i even thought it would be kinda nice to be checked in somewhere and not have to worry about life anymore. But that would be abandoning my son the same way my mother has done me. I'm determined that he always know how much i love him and that his mom is always there for him. it would help if i had someone to talk to. I tried to talk to Terry, but she didn't say anything and she's busy. I apologized for whining, and she said ok, so i guess to her i'm just whining. I called Richard and he's too busy to talk right now and he never called me back, so there you go. I called Tammy and her son was up and busy so she could only half listen, and when i apologized for complaining and taking her time she said, ok. I just want someone to say, "i would be upset, too." Everyone's too busy with the Christmas spirit to worry about someone that's upset. I kept thinking about the hank williams song, but i had the words wrong, but it described my feelings - "I'm so lonesome i I could die." I feel like i'm dying of loneliness. Is there anyone out there that can care for me?

A Quick Share

I have a lot that rambles through my mind - usually when I'm at work and doing the monotonous but necessary tasks, such as QC. I can run on autopilot and my mind wanders. Then when i have time to post . . . nothing.

But I took pictures on the drive home yesterday. I always take my camera and then I'm usually in a hurry or late or it's dark. But yesterday i was driving in the late afternoon and evening, no hurry and i took a different route home. Let me say, I used to drive this way every week and was so bored, but when you've been gone a while, you see 'new" things again.

First there were some wild flowers that i am sure I've never seen before. I suspect that they are invasive old home site plants.

Their feel is almost like a succulent (that rubbery feel), and the flowers remind me of several - snap dragon, wisteria, etc. There were scores of plants, so i pulls up two plants. The first just broke off and I realized they must have an extensive root system, so i looked in the car (SUV) and found a hoof pick - don't ask - and dug the earth away from around the second and tried to get under it. I got several large roots, but there were a lot and they ran deep. If anyone knows what this is, please tell me.

And who knew that salvia grew wild here?

I've been meaning to take a pic of this little shack for a while.

I love, love, little shacks, old buildings, old barns, etc. I mean, I like these old shacks, but I like old barns even better. I like to imagine what all happened there - the daily grind, the joys (was there a baby born here?) the sadness inevitable, and who was the last person to leave? Did they know when they left that nobody would live there again?

Barns really make me reflect. I think about the animals that lived there, the bond between the animals and people, the people that constructed this shelter - the shelter the animals came to at night after serving their purpose. The ingenuity in some of the structures that i sometimes think is now missing. And again, the last time it served its intended purpose.

Time stands still here, but it doesn't. Two structures that come to mind immediately. I was going to take a picture the next time, but the next time they were gone. One was an old barn, and the next day, it had collapsed. Another was an old lumber kiln, that had rails running thru it. It was fascinating, but they bulldozed it to clear the area. The last symbol of that era - gone. I guess in a way, it makes our troubles (maybe even our lives?) seem insignificant. Because tomorrow (whenever tomorrow is) it won't matter.

I didn't intend for this turn into a melancholly post.

On a brighter note. . .

I got my exam back today. I made the highest grade in the class! 100 out of 102 pts. I would have made 100% but i got a little dislexic - on a matching portion i marked out "J" and put "J" again, instead of "G". And why does that bug me? Oh, well. . . 98% !!!!

And this is what i really noticed in the south pasture as i drove up to the house.

I picked some for Memo and took them to her. She was delighted. She said that Ida had planted those flowers. (I've never heard of Ida. She lived/worked here, with her husband Troy, for my great-grandfather. I think Memo said Troy was a 'Daniel'.

I'm calling this 'series' of photos 'Ida's Delight'. Corny, but again, my blog ;-).

Ooh, that reminds me. . .

At least one person has read my blog, and commented! I was sooo excited, and it was none other than Bush Babe (bushbabe.blogspot.com) !

THANK YOU!!! Thanks for reading and for such a nice comment. I truly enjoy your blog - it helps get me through the weekend.

Well, that's it, folks.

Y'all have a good day now, ya hear?!?

where did that come from . . . ?